While Contemplating the Six Feet of Snow in my Front Yard

Waiting. Waiting for Revis. Waiting. Waiting for the Wells Report on Deflategate. Waiting. Waiting for updates to mock drafts. Wondering why the mockers project players who don't fit the Patriots' profile of positional flexibility and short area quickness. You know you're getting it wrong again this year, don't you?

 

So, I read somewhere this morning the Revis contract might not be resolved until April 1st. This may leave Revis without a market but it also ties the Patriots hands until a deal with Revis is or isn't done. With so many other questions pending what happens with Revis that just seems crazy. Do the Patriots even have the cap space to franchise Devin McCourty? By my count, New England has quite the "To Do" list in hand and waiting until April just doesn't sound like Bill Belichick to me.

The Patriots probably can't offer Revis the most money. I wonder if Revis values his legacy in the same way Tom Brady does. If Revis re-works his contract to stay in New England and the Patriots win another Super Bowl (or two), is there any doubt who the greatest cornerback in the history of the NFL is? That may be important to Revis but it's also hard to deposit in a bank account.

I guess I feel like Revis is that smoking hot girlfriend you just couldn't believe was willing to go out with you in the first place and even after you moved in together you just knew it was never going to last. Even though you saw it coming from a million miles away, when she dumped you for a guy who had a job and actual prospects and used to model men's suits in GQ it still broke your heart. Maybe Audrey May from the Piercing Pagoda will take you back.

So, the Patriots will put together their best offer, Revis will say no and the Patriots will move on because that's what they do.

It should allow New England to keep Devin McCourty, Shane Vereen, Stephen Gostkowski, Vince Wilfork and Jerod Mayo (and maybe two or three from the list of Akeem Ayers, Alan Branch, Dan Connolly and Jonathan Casillas) which is way better than Audrey May from the Piercing Pagoda.

I also read somewhere this morning the Wells Report could come out "soon."

Given how pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have been positioning themselves, re-framing earlier statements on Deflategate, it makes sense we're drawing close to the end of our long national nightmare. It seems the zeitgeist is pivoting from "this is the biggest deal in the history of sport" to "meh." We're reading more and more about Ryan Grigson, the Colts' GM and Mike Kensil, an NFL suit who has a history with Jets-era Belichick, and less and less about what the Patriots did or didn't do with their balls. "With their balls" is kind of like "in my pants" in that you can basically attach it to any statement as a suffix for comedic effect. That's what she said! With their balls! For all intents and purposes, Deflategate has gone meta; it's all about the people attached to the story rather than the story itself.

We all understand that nothing in the Wells Report on Deflategate will change the minds of those who believe Bill Belichick is the pigskin minion of his dark lord and master, Satan. Given the confusing and conflicting leaks surrounding Deflategate, it seems impossible to predict what we'll ultimately see on the page or what conclusions, if any, will be drawn. Will we finally learn the gauged pressure readings of all 12 Patriots' game balls at halftime of the AFC Championship game? Were the Colts' footballs also gauged? Will there be anything in the report regarding how the football D'Qwell Jackson intercepted was handled on the Indianapolis sideline? Was there anything tangible that accompanied the suspicions Grigson brought to the NFL? Was there a sting operation? How does that square with the warning in the Minnesota-Carolina scenario? Will the report include a layman's explanation of the Ideal Gas Law? What about the leaks and how the league handled the investigation itself? (An appendix, perhaps?) What about KBallgate? I mean, what the hell was that, anyway? What about that guy who got fired?

Absent a confession or indisputable video evidence, what are we talking about here?

What will we get for everything we've invested as fans?

What's the payoff?

I am no more informed nor any less biased than anyone else involved in this small town high school production of "The Crucible." I know how I hope this ends.

I hope it ends like "Carrie." (Think about it. "The Crucible" has witches. How cool would it be if Goody Procter just burns Reverend Parris and the town of Salem to the ground? Maybe that's just me.) Blood and fire. Metaphorically, of course. Unfortunately, no actual witches or sexually confused telekinetic teens involved in this case. Sadly.

I think the Wells Report will wind up being more "the call on the field stands," rather than "the call on the field is confirmed." What more than the halftime readings can be confirmed? Either way, the PSI of those footballs will likely be used by both the "cheaters cheat" and the "you hate us 'cause you ain't us" camps to justify either lots of asterisks and sharply worded condemnation or lots of t-shirts and sometimes funny homemade videos on YouTube. Tohwm Braday is fahkin' owwwsome!

Well, he is.

If the pressure of the game balls is as important as the weight of this investigation I assume some recommendations on how the balls should be handled (I'm going to miss those ball-related puns!) will be included in the Wells Report. In retrospect, as important as game ball inflation apparently is, it's clear something must be done. New protocols must be defined. We need some process improvement here. Perhaps a committee will be formed and recommendations will be made.

Such a finding would be more than enough for the haters.

Obviously the league would go out of their way to clear the current Super Bowl champs but if they didn't cheat, then why change the ball-handling protocols? Hmm? Why? Why! WWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY!?!?

Because the old ball-handling protocols are part of the longest-running joke in NFL history?

That will likely be it. Table of football PSI at halftime. No evidence of tampering by the Patriots found. Talked to everyone. Nobody squealed. Nothing on video. Nothing on audio. Poor quality controls for ensuring the integrity of game balls will require review for improvements. A committee will be formed. The league's bum-fuckery in its handling of the investigation is outside the scope of the Deflategate charter.

And… scene.

No apologies (just doing our job – you're welcome!) from the NFL.

Followed by a spasm of self-justifying rationalizations from the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads, complete with an airing of grievances and a deletion of tweets. Just because you can't prove they cheated just means they're really good at it! Whatever maintains the integrity of your game balls, bruh.