Bad Reputation

It isn't the hate, it's the blindly rabid, teeth bared, snarling, snapping lust for blood that scares me. Just a little. I mean – ha, ha – so what if it’s statistically likely you have a gun. Ha, ha! That was funny what you said!

 

Phew! That was close.

That everyone outside of New England, from the trolls in the comments sections to the mainstream pigskin pundits and bobbleheads, came to Jerry Rice's* defense was hardly a surprise. Rice* is one of the league's all-time greats – some would argue, the greatest professional football player ever. He seems like a nice enough guy, too. What's a little illegal substance between friends? Everyone was doing it! Well, everyone except Cris Carter.

Quick Aside: The "everyone is doing it" defense didn't get past my mother when I was a 3-year old. If everyone was jumping off a cliff would you do that, too? My mom has lost all respect for Jerry Rice*. She has sent him to bed without supper and told him in no uncertain terms to think hard about what he did.

The collective lack of self-awareness in the hypocrisy of the gridiron cognoscenti also not a shock. A little stickum on the gloves? No big deal. A little less air in the football? Big, big deal. Both should make the football easier to hold onto. The difference? As best I can tell, it's that Jerry Rice* is a cool dude and I hate Tom Brady's hair!

Quick Aside: I hate finding myself on the same list with people like Adolf Hitler, Ted Cruz or Roger Goodell (among many, many others) but as to the #levelplayingfield – or everybody's doing it – argument, in Goodell's state of the NFL address before the Super Bowl, in regards to Deflategate he noted that it didn't matter whether or not a competitive advantage was gained, it's about breaking the rules. Rules are important. Rules are all that stands between us and mere anarchy. If the Patriots were found to have broken the rules, they would be punished, competitive advantage or not. Holding to the same standard, with Rice* admitting he broke the rules, he's lucky his playing days are over.

Sadly, it does call into question the legitimacy of all of the games the 49ers won with Rice* on the field.

That is the standard Tom Brady and the Patriots are being held to, isn't it?

Obviously and admittedly cherry-picking a bit because like most sentient beings here on planet Earth, I think Goodell is a complete and utter idiot who would be unemployed, homeless and afflicted with toenail fungus if there were any justice in the universe. Toenail fungus is disgusting.

As noted previously on TSCIF.com, I'm not buying into the "everybody cheats" claim (even if that lovable scamp Aaron Rodgers has already admitted he likes his balls "a certain way" – and really, who doesn't?) as a defense for Deflategate because the New England Patriots are not pleading guilty in exchange for a lesser sentence.

They have loudly and repeatedly proclaimed their innocence.

So the "everybody cheats" defense is off the table for the Patriots. They have to win and apparently they are betting on themselves.

Does any of this change hearts and minds?

The consensus amongst Six-Staters is that nothing will matter to anyone outside of New England. The people from west of Lake Champlain have made up their minds: The Patriots are the cheatingest cheats who ever cheated. The Wells investigation won't change that, regardless of the findings.

If the Patriots are cleared, it won't be because the Patriots didn't cheat, simply that there was no evidence of tampering (they're that good!). Also, it will be because Robert Kraft has Roger Goodell in his hip pocket.

Okay, so this is basically an exercise in futility but I just can't help myself! A few thoughts…

I don't think anyone outside of New England will take a moment to consider the Sports Science segment that proved there was little advantage – perhaps even a slight disadvantage – in deflating footballs for a pass-wacky offense like the Patriots. I'm assuming that everyone outside of New England continues to believe the debunked "statistical analysis" that "proved" the Patriots fumble at an unsustainable rate compared to other NFL franchises.

And God help the good citizens of Patriots Nation if the Wells Report actually uses science to provide a credible explanation for the PSI measurements taken at half-time. Americans hate smart people in general and scientists specifically. It figures the Patriots would use scientists!

I know there have been several media outlets that published studies on how quickly you could deflate 11 or 12 footballs by 2.0 PSI (well under 98 seconds), but have any of these same sources done any studies on how long it takes an "elderly" man to take a piss? This one isn't really science. It's just counting.

Although it's difficult to know what to believe from the various leaks regarding the number and the extent to which the footballs were below the 12.5 PSI limit, let's for a moment assume the more recent report that only 1 football was -2.0 PSI (the ball the Colts had thanks to D'Qwell Jackson's interception) and the rest were just a "few ticks" below 12.5 is actually the truth (you know, within a few ticks).

Quick Aside: Why do I believe this?

You may recall that in his Mona Lisa Vito press conference Belichick mentioned that going forward, the Patriots would probably inflate their footballs by another 0.3 PSI (12.8 PSI rather than 12.5 PSI) so as to avoid any concerns or questions about the footballs going forward. Why 0.3 PSI when the footballs were supposedly off by 2.0 PSI? Belichick doesn't strike me as an "I'll just pull a number out of my ass" kind of guy. How does pumping up the ball +0.3 offset -2.0? It doesn't, of course. But it does explain a few ticks.

I think Belichick already knew that most of the footballs were just a few ticks below 12.5 PSI when he stepped up to the podium. Chris Mortensen isn't the only guy with sources inside the league office. Belichick (or more likely Robert Kraft) has his sources, too. Belichick has his enemies in New York, no doubt, but we shouldn't assume he doesn't have any friends after 40 years in the business.

The obvious counter to this would be to ask why the NFL was turning this into the Warren Commission if only one of the footballs was -2.0 PSI. Then you remember it's the NFL we're talking about.

I'd say they were using Deflategate like a magician uses his left hand; to hide the life size Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson dolls they're holding in their right hand. Then I remember it's the NFL we're talking about.

I'd say they cast Deflategate as a life or death struggle for the very soul of the NFL so they could look like heroic knights on magnificent steeds, slaying the foul dragons of Neweng Land. Aye, there be dragons in the nor'east country. Then I remember it's the NFL we're talking about.

The NFL launched an investigation to ensure the integrity of the game only to watch as story after story of cheatier and cheatier cheating – individually and organizationally – was delivered to us through the various media channels that sustain our sports gluttony. We've been eating it up with a spoon in both hands. We've got it all over our faces. We're going to lick it off each other's bodies later. Well, perhaps that's just the wife and me.

Where was I?

Oh!

This is something of a Kobayashi Maru moment for the NFL. How can they win? Is it even possible? It's pretty clear these guys aren't anywhere near as smart as James Tiberius Kirk.

At this point, it seems unlikely 11 of the 12 Patriots' game balls were underinflated to exactly 10.5 PSI but let's say that's what we see in the Wells Report on Deflategate. The NFL had to know that on Day 1. It's what they leaked to Chris Mortensen, after all. Precision is important here. Mother Nature is famous for random patterns (see snowflakes); human beings – especially human beings who've determined the perfect PSI for throwing, catching and holding onto a football – would create a repeating pattern. (Still can't figure out how they missed that 12th football.) While it's possible (in that "anything is possible" way things are possible) that 11 footballs subjected to the same generalized environmental factors would result in the exact same loss of pressure to the tenth of a pound, it does seem highly unlikely given the multiple variables involved (again, see snowflakes). So, if 11 of 12 Patriots' game balls from the AFC Championship game measured exactly 10.5 PSI then it would be hard to deny human intervention was involved.

Why then didn't the NFL act swiftly – and harshly – in a judgment against the Patriots?

Well, that's what got them in trouble in the Ray Rice case. They acted swiftly and wound up getting clowned by TMZ. If they'd immediately hit the Patriots with suspensions, fines and the loss of a draft pick, only to find out later the only thing tainted about those footballs was a few drops of urine (he really should've washed his hands), Roger Goodell and the League would've forfeited whatever tattered shreds of credibility they have left. The longer they drag this out, the more considered, the more diligent and the more evenhanded they will appear to be. Or perhaps they're hoping we all just move on to the SI swimsuit issue and pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training.

Having said all of that, without physical evidence of tampering, without a confession from our elderly and possibly incontinent equipment attendant, with only circumstantial evidence, with just their dick in their hands would the NFL suspend Belichick for the 2015 season, Tom Brady for four games and take a draft pick from New England? Probably not.

A $25,000 fine for each football more than a "few ticks" below 12.5 PSI?

Maybe but I'm struggling with how they would justify that, given the admission that no measurements were recorded when the officials approved the game balls.

Quick Aside: On more than one occasion it's been noted that if the Patriots want to use science to explain the pressure readings for their game balls, then we should see the same loss of pressure in the Colts' game balls. Fair enough. The only problem with that argument is that we have no idea what the starting point was for the Colts' game balls, either. Were they 13.5 PSI? 14.0 PSI? Nobody knows.

Justified or not, a monetary fine is unlikely to satisfy the torch- and pitchfork-bearing mob gathered at the door of the league offices, waiting restively, murmuring threats.

Even if the Wells investigation turns up evidence that it was the Colts who tampered with that one football I think everyone outside of New England will still blame the Patriots for what happened. I'm not sure how they'll work that out but I'm confident they can. Let's see…

Oh!

I've got it!

Tom Brady threw the underinflated ball to D'Qwell Jackson on purpose! Belichick and Brady duped the Colts into turning in that underinflated football to create a cheating scandal, one he knew they the Patriots would beat because when they checked the other footballs they'd find them to be just a few ticks below the 12.5 limit he had long ago calculated using his years of studying fluid dynamics. Belichick had realized the only problem with Spygate is that it happened five months before the Super Bowl. He needed something with immediacy, something that would be fresh in his players' minds. This would give the Patriots something to rally around, something to create that "us against the world" mind set in the locker room. New England would use the hate as fuel, win a Super Bowl, and screw with one of their long-time rivals in the process.

Brilliant!