Backpfeifengesicht

The nut punch games are the worst. You want to punch somebody but you're all doubled-over and blinded by pain. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. It shakes your foundational belief in the tangible verities of this world. Why do bad things happen to good football fans? The Patriots have lost 3 games by a total of 4 points. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? I really hope it’s a good sign. It’s usually not a good sign when I think it’s a good sign. Anecdotally speaking. Yeah. You want to know who’s got a face that’s badly in need of a fist? Reality. Right in the nose.

So, I went into a total media blackout after the Seattle game. No sports. No politics (almost as ominously disconcerting as the AFC East). I continued drinking, though. I can’t swear for certain but it may have saved my life. Dusty dry martinis with a great meal, hanging out with our friends Steve and Kathy at Pepperland Tuesday evening, the healing began. As if to laugh at the devil, we agreed to watch the Jets game together at their house (they have the bigger TV). We’ll eat (somehow guacamole will be involved) and drink (shaken, not stirred) and we’ll be there for each other whatever happens. If the Patriots lose, we will console each other in civilized tones, drink coffee and eat cake. If the Patriots win, dominate, punch the Jets in the nose then we will also have coffee and cake but first we will flex, high five and re-enact key plays using the furniture to represent Jets defenders.

I’ve been waiting for that game where the Patriots authenticate their Super Bowl aspirations. I really thought that was going to happen last week. I’m still confused by the outcome. Let’s move on. Nothing to see here. Anyway, the Jets are coming off a blow-the-dirt-off-my-face-I’m-not-dead-yet win and are once again on track for a Super Bowl berth. The Patriots are brooding like Heathcliff on the moors. That’s a good sign, right? I think it’s a good sign. Not that that’s a good sign.

Patriots 55, Jets 8

It won’t really make me feel better but yeah, I hope the 49ers are wearing their angry eyes following the loss to the Giants and they hand the Seahawks their asses. I am that small and I really don’t care.

49ers 37, Seahawks 13

Are we going to see the Titans team that figured out a way to beat the Steelers in Buffalo this Sunday? Does beating the Steelers really mean what it used to? Did Buffalo finally figure it out last week in Arizona? Huh. It was only a 3-point, OT win against a deeply flawed and profoundly troubled Cardinals team; maybe the Cardinals game was a pigskin chimera and the Bills still haven’t figured it out. If I were the kind of person to wager large sums of money on football games, this is a game I would stay away from.

Bills 28, Titans 27

I get the feeling the Giants won’t be sneaking into the playoffs this year. It’s the Giants and everybody else in the NFC East this year. They start putting everything in their rear view this Sunday.

Shirts 31, Skins 17

A measuring stick game for preeminence in the AFC as Baltimore – sans Ray Lewis – visits Houston. The two best teams in the conference (both 5-1-0) clash on the gridiron this Sunday. (Cut to close ups of Matt Schaub and Joe Flacco. Music swells.) It’s a shame Lewis is out for the season. That is, if you’re a Ravens’ fan. Me? I’ve seen my team’s franchise QB’s left knee shredded and immediately knowing for certain his season lost. So for me, whatever. We’ve all got problems. Rub some dirt on it.

Texans 31, Ravens 27

They should let any licensed therapist into the Cowboys-Panthers game free. These teams need help. Have you noticed their body language? Not a lot of self-esteem there.

Panthers 30, Cowboys 18

I have to take Greg Schiano’s terrifying intensity in this one. Plus, I still think the Saints are cursed.

Buccaneers 20, Saints 17

Are the Steelers old? Will the youthful Bengals be served? Yeah, I think so. In unsurprising news, Pittsburgh LB James Harrison revealed that he’s had so many concussions he is wearing a helmet with extra padding. Perhaps as a direct result of his double digit concussions, Harrison has lost all sense of irony.

Bengals 27, Steelers 24

Is parity a dream or a nightmare?

Todd, a friend from work, hates parity. He wants some teams that dominate (70’s Steelers, the 49ers of the 80’s, the Cowboys in the 90’s) satisfying our need for villains, with some teams playing the role of plucky underdogs (I’m thinking the Seahawks with Dave Krieg, the Bengals with Boomer Esiason, the Chargers with Dan Fouts) that give us a rooting chance against the villains, and a few teams that flat out suck. Teams built for unintended comedy. Goats. Teams the plucky underdogs would beat to go 10-6-0 while the villains ran out to 13-3-0 or 14-2-0 and first round byes. Sometimes, the plucky underdog would make it all the way to the Super Bowl and lose of course, like Steve McNair’s Titans losing to the St. Louis Rams the year before Tom Hanks got off that island. That’s pigskin theater to Todd. Villains, plucky underdogs and goats.

I get it. Who wants to have all the division champions go 9-7-0 and qualify for their playoff spot on the fourth or fifth tiebreaker? I mean, unless it’s your team, of course.

I love pop music, but yeah, I probably deserve a fist in the face for this...