Waiting for the Other Shoe

The good news? There is no good news.

 

The NFL has finally spoken on Deflategate. Sort of. I have to think the League’s statement has more to do with drying Mark Brunell’s tear-filled eyes than anything else. See all the lawyers and investigators we’ve hired? See how seriously we take the integrity of the game? Don’t you worry, Mark; we’ll make Tom apologize to you personally!

If there was a smoking gun, here, you might think the league would’ve found it by now. Then again, the Ray Rice video was right there under Roger Goodell’s aristocratic nose and he couldn’t sniff it.

The narrative seems to change on a daily basis. D’Qwell Jackson noticed the ball was underinflated and gave the ball to the equipment manager and then he didn’t. In the initial report I read, one of the 11 underinflated footballs was found to have a leak. I haven’t heard that mentioned since. That would complicate the story line, I suppose. I read a commenter on Pats Pulpit say the footballs for both the Patriots and Colts lost 1 pound of pressure when tested at halftime; the Pats from 12.5 to 11.5 and the Colts from 13.5 to 12.5. (I haven’t been able to confirm that anywhere else in the Google Machine so that may just be wishful thinking.) I’ve heard Brady and the Pats offense actually ran some plays in the 1^st half with a Colts game ball. We know now that the 2^nd half was played with appropriately inflated footballs (Pats won 1^st half 17-7, won 2^nd half 28-0). I’ve heard those footballs were still properly inflated after the game. Okay, but were they inflated indoors at 72F our outdoors at 50F?

I’ve heard over and over again that Tom Brady should’ve been able to tell the difference between underinflated and properly inflated footballs but the officials – who handle the football on every play and are the guardians of the integrity of the game – couldn’t tell either. I’ve seen a video produced by the Boston Globe that shows people comparing a ball inflated to 12.5 PSI and one inflated to 10.5 PSI and most of them couldn’t tell the difference. Here’s the thing: Maybe Tom Brady would’ve been able to tell if he had both footballs side by side just as some Globe staffers could. As was noted on that video, though, those comparing the feel and grip of those footballs expected the 10.5 PSI ball to have the consistency of linguine but in fact it didn’t feel significantly different from the 12.5 PSI ball. You’ve probably seen this comparison on ESPN, as well.

Here’s what I’d like to see. Just give Mark Brunell one football and ask him: Is this football 10.5, 11.5, 12.5 or 13.5 PSI. Blindfold him, hand him footballs one at a time and let’s see how many he gets right.

Better.

The Mark Brunell PSI Challenge

Get Brunell out on the set and toss him a set of 12 footballs, one at a time, some inflated properly, some underinflated, some overinflated. Toss him the football and have him throw the ball as quickly as he can (Tommy is typically under 2 seconds) to someone else on the set and then tell us whether that ball was legal, under or over.

Because that’s what everyone thinks Brady should be able to do. In the cold and the rain while playing the AFC Championship Game.

One of the local pigskin pundits, Tom E. Curran of CSNNE.com, actually posited that this was an NFL sting operation designed to catch the Patriots using underinflated footballs after the Colts complained following their regular season beating (or the Colts were tipped off by the Ravens who then tipped off the league). If so, the NFL was willing to risk (all together now) the integrity of the game in order to catch the Patriots and the coach everyone loves to hate red-handed. Of course, all you need to know is that Tom Brady prefers his game balls to be inflated at the low end of the range (12.5 PSI) and it was a near virtual certainty New England would be found to have underinflated footballs when they were tested at halftime. The environmental factors (time and temperature) as well as the wear and tear of the game itself would assure some loss in pressure.

Why did Bill Belichick say they would inflate their game balls by an extra 0.3 PSI? Belichick isn’t the kind of guy who just pulls a number out of his ass so why 0.3? I know he said he didn’t know anything about the process but could it be that it was -0.2 PSI and not -2.0 PSI?

Okay, that seems like a stretch even to me. If that was the case, the League could’ve made this story go away pretty quickly. Even with the Patriots involved, this story wouldn’t have gone viral over 0.2 PSI.

Viral? How about nuclear?

Unless…

Unless the League is happy to have the Patriots cast as the villain for Super Bowl XLIX. They would hardly be playing against type so it isn’t exactly a tough sell. I read somewhere that ticket prices were actually down for this year’s championship game and this was blamed on “Patriots fatigue.” Clearly, this “Patriots fatigue” could impact television ratings, too. After Ray Rice dropping his fiancé with a straight right hand and Adrian Peterson beating his children with a stick until they bled and Marshawn Lynch constantly grabbing his junk; could Roger Goodell survive all of that and the lowest rated Super Bowl in twenty years?

When it comes to conspiracy theories, it’s always wise to follow the money. Since the Patriots were fitted for their black hats, I’ve read and heard pigskin pundits and bobbleheads predicting the most watched Super Bowl in history.

Cha-ching!

I thought I’d reached the point where nothing about Ballghazi would surprise me and then I saw Tom Brady’s Q&A on Thursday and once again the boundaries of my credulity were pushed to new limits. It was like a scene out of “Gone Girl.” I was astounded and appalled by how shamelessly Brady was treated both during and after his press conference. Perhaps Brady didn’t realize he’d already been convicted when he was asked to say “I’m sorry” or explain in detail exactly how he cheated. Afterwards, ESPN hosted three objective, unimpeachable experts on sports morality from teams that suffered crushing defeats at the hands of the Patriots. Did they believe Brady? Shockingly, no. Brady is a cheat and a liar. He had his chance to man up and own his crimes against humanity and he refused to say it.

Tom Brady is a bad, bad man.

What do we tell the children?

Even after a press conference in which he said flat out – believe him or not – that he didn’t cheat and that the integrity of the game absolutely matters there were still more questions to be answered, at least according to the Boston Herald (a piece attributed to “Herald Staff” as apparently nobody had the balls to put their name on it). At least, “Why didn’t you say ‘I’m sorry’ when you had the chance?” didn’t make the list…

1.Have you ever instructed equipment personnel to deflate footballs?

A fair question given the context but didn’t Brady answer this question when he said that once he has selected and approved the 12 game balls, he doesn’t want anyone to touch them?

2. Do you believe equipment personnel would take it upon themselves to deflate footballs without being told to do so and without telling anyone?

This is a “gotcha” question, of course. If Brady says no then it implies the equipment personnel would only deflate footballs if directed to do so (presumably by Brady). If he says yes he’s throwing the equipment manager and ball boys under the bus.

Again, I think this question was answered by Brady in the only way it could be answered when he said he doesn’t know what goes on when he’s busy, you know, getting ready for the game.

3. Why should we believe you when you say you prefer the balls to weigh 12.5 psi, but you claim you couldn’t tell the difference between the balls in the first and second half against the Colts?

Evidently, Brady’s answer that there’s a lot of shit going on in an NFL football game during any given play – getting into the right formation, defensive reads, blitz pickups, check downs, ineligible eligible receivers – wasn’t a good enough explanation (see also, The Mark Brunell PSI Challenge, above).

If the question is whether we should believe anything Tom Brady says then I think the only credible answer Brady could’ve given would’ve been “Fuck you, ass face. Did you believe that?”

4. What did you mean when you told your teammates you like your footballs “a certain way,” as NBC News reported yesterday?

This question was answered several times as Brady described how quarterbacks have preferences for tackiness, shape and pressure. (Aaron Rodgers likes his footballs a certain way, too.) Brady also answered that conversations between himself and his teammates are private, so, you know, fuck you, ass face.

5. Why didn’t you immediately contact NFL investigators to tell them what you know?

If Brady is innocent of any wrong-doing – I know that sounds crazy but just bear with me for a moment – then what is he going to tell the NFL?

“Yeah, Roger. This is Tom. Tom Brady. Yeah. I’m calling about the footballs. Just wanted to let you know I followed league protocols like I always do. Turned the game balls I picked out to the officials like I always do. 12.5 PSI, like I always do. Sorry I laughed this off on WEEI Monday morning because I do respect the integrity of the game. I take it very seriously. It just seemed like another crazy ‘Cheatriots’ story when I first heard it. Sour grapes, you know? Spygate was seven years ago, you know? Anyway, if you need anything else, just give me a call. Oh, and Giselle says hi.”

If Brady is guilty – apologies for saying “if” – then why is he calling the cops and telling them where he buried the body? He’s a cheat, a liar and an idiot, too?

6. Did team owner Bob Kraft insist that you appear before the media and if so, did he or team officials give you talking points?

This question is designed to pull the Patriots owner into the crime as an accessory after the fact, of course. Brady, unlike Belichick, did not come out with a prepared statement; he simply answered the questions as they were asked. Brady’s press conference was going to happen regardless, wasn’t it? I guess the notion here is that you don’t need to have talking points if you’re simply telling the truth so actually preparing for this press conference would’ve been an indirect admission of guilt.

7. Did you and Bill Belichick coordinate your statements?

Again, you don’t need to coordinate the truth, do you?

8. Do you believe the officials follow the exact correct protocol while measuring the footballs before every game — or is it possible referee Walt Anderson’s crew treated the measurements differently or lazily?

How is Brady supposed to know this? The exact correct answer would be, “I don’t have any direct knowledge either way but I believe the men who officiate the NFL hold the integrity of the game as an absolute and paramount concern and would never knowingly or through indifference impact fair play on the field.” Hey, that would make a pretty good talking point, wouldn’t it?

9. Has Deflategate uncovered a quarterback subculture — in other words, did you get caught doing something the rest of the league routinely practices?

This may be my favorite question in this list because it reminded me of the Five Timers Club for SNL Hosts. This probably has something to do with Aaron Rodgers admission that he also likes his footballs “a certain way.” The existence of a Freemason-like secret social club of NFL quarterbacks makes for fascinating possibilities. Do rookies like Blake Bortles, Johnny Manziel and Derek Carr have to serve drinks and appetizers and bus tables? Will anyone sit next to Jay Cutler at the bar? Is there a VIP Room reserved for Super Bowl winners? Does everyone politely decline Peyton Manning’s drunken challenges to arm wrestle just to prove he’s still got it?

Again, how would Tom Brady know the answer to this question? And at what point do the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads count up the number of times Tom says, “I don’t know” and use that to “prove” he’s covering something up?

10. Have you done your own
investigation into how the balls were deflated and if not, why not?

Really? So, when did Tom Brady turn into Sherlock Holmes? Sorry Coach, can’t make practice today because I’m sleuthing. Okay. “No, I haven’t done my own investigation because there’s nothing to investigate and because my job is to get ready to play football in Super Bowl XLIX, which is now clearly the biggest game of my life and because I am not a licensed private investigator.”

11. Are you certain that no one connected with the New England Patriots gave the order to deflate the footballs?

Essentially asked and answered during the Thursday presser as Brady said he was confident that nobody in the Patriots organization did anything to deflate the game balls. Of course, his qualification that he is neither omniscient nor omnipresent, a perfectly reasonable caveat in that Tom is not God, has somehow been taken as an admission that something did in fact happen.

12. Do you believe the league is unfairly targeting the Patriots here when the Minnesota Vikings were accused in a similar controversy?

Hoo boy. You really want Tom Brady to answer this question? Add this one to the stick count on “I don’t know” because there’s no way Brady can plumb the depths of Roger Goodell’s mind (see above, re: omniscience). I suppose he could go with “I really don’t think about things like that. That’s probably a question for other people to answer.”

If you’d polled the citizens of Patriots Nation before Deflategate you’d probably have gotten an 80% yes response to “Do you think the NFL is out to get the Patriots.” They hate us cause they ain’t us! If there is animus in the league office toward the Patriots (and there have been anecdotal references to the prickly relationship between some League officials and Bill Belichick) the only good answer here is a simple no.

At the end of the day…

I should say at the end of this day because there’s no fat lady in sight. Anyway, here’s where I am with this.

There is no evidence of wrong-doing on the part of the Patriots. If there were, TMZ would already have it.

The NFL will let the Patriots be cast as villains for Super Bowl XLIX because it’s good for business.

In related news, the NFL doesn’t know the meaning of the word expeditious.

When the NFL finally releases “The Wells Report 2: Deflategate!” some weeks after the Super Bowl and finds no evidence of wrong-doing on the part of the Patriots, nobody will believe it.

If the NFL finds no evidence of wrong-doing but punishes the Patriots anyway, this will be Roger Goodell’s last Super Bowl because Robert Kraft will make sure of that.

Bill Belichick is taking names.