I guess there's no other way to put it. I've just been blackout drunk on the Patriots win in the AFC Championship Game. I finally woke up today and after a quick look around, all I could think was...
I really could use a drink.
I guess Willie Shakesberg was right; there really isn't anything new under the sun. Everyone west of the Connecticut River hates the Patriots. The Patriots are cheaters. (These two narratives may be related.) Bill Belichick is a genius albeit of the evil variety. (This may also be related to the "everyone hates the Patriots" narrative.) Everyone west of the Connecticut River hates Tom Brady. (Sensing a pattern now.) Tom Brady is the GOAT. Or not. Either way he's smug, condescending and arrogant. Blah, blah, blah.
Lies, Damned Lies and Roger Goodell...
I guess it's kind of a weird, backhanded compliment being called cheaters. The haters willfully dismiss facts and science yet call Patriots fans delusional. Deflategate was only a big deal because Tom Brady wouldn't admit being generally aware of something that didn't happen. The narrative is self-fulfilling, an elliptical haiku…
Winners never cheat
Cheaters never win except
The Patriots do
I get it. Everyone wants to have a reason why they lost that doesn't involve personal failures or inadequacies.
It was a sucker punch that knocked you out. You have it on "good authority" your penis is actually slightly above average size. It turned out it was an allergy to tomatoes. The minimum height requirement on those rides is bullshit. I guess I'm not as fluent in French as my instructor told me. It's not like you started an international incident or anything. Wait-What? You did? I guess that's unintentionally historic or will be twenty years from now. Did I mention I'm a Steelers fan? Maybe you could tell by my Jerome Bettis replica jersey. Anyway, I hate those fucking cheating Patriots, man. Pittsburgh would have 3 more rings if it wasn't for those prick bastards. You know who's a better quarterback than Tom Brady? Kordell Stewart, that's who. Quality arguments, brah.
Speaking of Touchdown Tommy…
The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived…
For me, the great QB debate ended years ago while watching "Bad Teacher." In it, teacher Russell Gettis (played by Jason Segal) is debating with a student named Shawn; Shawn is arguing for LeBron James as the greatest basketball player of all time while Segal argues for Michael Jordan.
Russell Gettis: Call me when LeBron has six championships.
Shawn: That's your only argument?
Russell Gettis: It's the only argument I need Shawn!
Perhaps a better metric than all the wins and awards and the record seven Super Bowl appearances, Shawn, is the lengths that Brady's critics go to; the endless qualifications on his success. Belichick is the chicken; Brady is just the egg. Without the Tuck Rule he'd be Tom Nobody. Deflategate puts an asterisk on every game he ever won. Montana never lost a Super Bowl game. Manning was better. Rodgers will be. Bart Scott says the Falcons have the advantage at quarterback in SB51 because Matt Ryan beat Aaron Rodgers in the NFC Championship game. Brady is a system quarterback. He never won without a great defense. All he does is dink and dunk. Great quarterbacks win championships with touchdown passes, not field goals.
I feel like I must be forgetting something. But you get the picture.
Anyway, pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have been saying that if Brady wins a record fifth Super Bowl championship it will put the GOAT debate to rest.
They're wrong.
There's nothing that will never shut up the Shawns of this world.
Bill Belichick Just Bought a Condo in Matt Ryan's Head…
Maybe Matt Ryan doesn't pay any attention to the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads. Maybe none of his friend message him about what they read in the press. Maybe he knows nothing of the history of the sport he plays.
Or maybe he knows Bill Belichick's defensive game plan for Super Bowl XXV is in the Hall of Fame. Maybe he knows that wasn't the last great offense Belichick shut down in a Super Bowl. The Patriots were 14-point underdogs to the "Greatest Show on Turf" in Super Bowl XXXVI. New England throttled the top scoring offense in the NFL and beat the then St. Louis Rams 20-17. The team the 2016 Falcons tied for 4th most points scored in a season.
The gridiron cognoscenti are already laughing nervously while they scoff at the "still haven't played anyone because Le'Veon's groin injury and Antonio Brown being a selfish prick and maybe Ben Roethlisberger should retire" New England Patriots defense taking out Julio Jones while concurrently noting that, well, Bill Belichick lives for this shit. This is his jam. This is his church. Belichick, Matt Patricia, Josh McDaniels, their assistants, Nick Caserio and Ernie Adams are down in the secret subterranean complex deep below 1 Patriots Place, modeling hundreds of thousands of monte carlo simulations on the Amazon cloud. Michael Floyd will spend the next 10 days doing his very best Julio Jones impression while Jimmy Garoppolo does Matty Ice as Belichick and Patricia fine tune their game plan on the practice field. Meanwhile, Josh McDaniels is prepping a counter intuitive game plan with a healthy dose of LeGarrette Blount and Dion Lewis toting the rock to keep the Falcons offense idling on the sideline. (Bet the under. Trust me on this one.) Remember the Ty Law pick-6 in SB36? I know you remember Malcolm Butler's game-saving interception in SB49. Ernie Adams has a 5x7 card with a diagram crudely drawn from the Falcons playbook just like he had that slant pass from the Seahawks playbook drawn up the week before SB49.
You know it's true.
So does Matt Ryan.
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