The Other Fifteen

A little shout out to Matt Schaub who got to ride fate’s savage roller coaster Thursday night. Banished to the bench in favor of Case Keenum thanks to a penchant for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory with ill-timed interceptions was summoned by ex-HC Gary Kubiak when Keenum struggled against the #31 defense of the Jacksonville “Good Seats Still Available/Will Play in London for Food” Jaguars. The Texans trailed 17-7 at the half and fell further behind in the third quarter at 24-10. Schaub had rallied Houston to a 24-20 deficit and had the ball on the 22-yard line with 2:21 to play. It was redemption time for Matt Schaub. When his agent is looking for another team for him this off-season he could point to this game and say that Matt Schaub still has it. And then we saw that Matt Schaub indeed still had it. Instead of a game-winning TD pass, he threw an interception, effectively ending the game. After the chip shot field goal made it 27-20, Schaub was sacked for an 18-yard loss. Game over. He went from future starting QB for the Minnesota Vikings to backing up Andrew Luck in Indianapolis and not taking a snap for the next three years in two minutes.

Can you imagine the dark, foul ball of psychic energy that flooded Matt Schaub’s brain when he threw that interception? I can imagine him thinking for just a moment, “I’m in Hell. I’m doomed to throw ill-timed interceptions for all eternity! What did I do to deserve this? This seems way out of proportion to whatever I did. What? God is a Houston Texans’ fan? That’s kind of random isn’t it? It is what it is? Oh. Even so, isn’t God supposed to be love? Forgiveness? Oh. Except where football and specifically the Houston Texans are involved. I see. Oops! Threw another INT. Maybe there’ll come a time when this will all seem funny.”

Maybe it’s already funny.

 

Indianapolis 25, Cincinnati 23 – Both of these teams are hard to believe in and the outcome of this game is unlikely to change that.

Atlanta 30, Green Bay 16 – Without Aaron Rodgers the Packers appear to be completely unfamiliar with even the most basic elements of the game of football.

Cleveland 17, New England 51 – Bill Belichick and Tom Brady have won football games at an alarming rate during their careers together and yet they have not won them all. Belichick understands as well as anyone that each season is different; each game is an independent event, every play a binary node on the time-space-pigskin continuum. More importantly (perhaps) is the fact that Bill Belichick is a bad, bad man. The Patriots have demonstrated resilience during their 9-3-0 run but they have yet to put their boot on the neck of an opponent and not let up. Enter Cleveland Browns, a team whose best option at QB is a guy who just came out of a coma.

Oakland 27, NY Jets 13 – Couldn’t we just re-show the Heidi Game? And then break into during the 4^th quarter with a re-broadcast of Carrie Underwood’s “Sound of Music.” NBC doesn’t want to flex this game to Sunday night?

Detroit 27, Philadelphia 28 – I’m riding the Nick Foles’ City of Brotherly Love band wagon all the way to January.  

Miami 20, Pittsburgh 28 – Not exactly a good week for Mike Tomlin. First he cheats. Then he doesn’t even win. Then everyone finally realizes he cheated so they fined him $100K. I’m sure he’d like to change the conversation and I’m not sure a loss does that. I’m also thinking Mike Wallace lays a rotten pigskin egg in his return to Pittsburgh. A crucial dropped pass, a fumble, a 3 catches for 19 yards kind of game.

Buffalo 17, Tampa Bay 31 – The Bills have become a little too comfortable with losing I think. Force of habit, perhaps. Plus they are 1-4-0 on the road. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers revitalizing 3-game winning streak was junk-punched by the Panthers last week. The Bills are not the Panthers. By the way, who thought Mike Glennon would be the best rookie QB of 2013? Who thought Greg Schiano wouldn’t be the first HC fired?

Kansas City 27, Washington 20 – Look, everyone knows RG3 and Mike Shanahan should break up. They’re like so not together. Check their body language. And did you see those come hither looks Mike Shanahan was giving Kirk Cousins? I know!

Minnesota 9, Baltimore 20 – Look for some to be confused by the how bad the Vikings are with how good the Ravens look.

Tennessee 9, Denver 63 – I may be underestimating just how badly the Broncos will beat the Titans. If I were coaching the Titans I wouldn’t call a single pass in this game. I’d run the ball to keep the clock running because I’d want this to be over as quickly as possible.

St. Louis 13, Arizona 30 – That’s right. I’m saying yes to Carson Palmer.

NY Giants 3, San Diego 24 – Eli Manning says he doesn’t remember why he left the San Diego Chargers at the altar. Does he really think that’s the kind of thing your crazy ex-girlfriend wants to hear? You don’t even remember why you dumped her? It wasn’t even important enough for you to remember it? You really didn’t see that glass of wine in the face coming, did you?

Seattle 37, San Francisco 21 – Everyone is thinking this will be an epic struggle between two of the league’s best but I think it’s going to wind up a lopsided rout. Not that it couldn’t go either way but I’ll say Seahawks.  

                 

Carolina 34, New Orleans 31 – I’m not sure you come back this soon from the kind of beating the Saints suffered in Seattle last Monday night. PPBSD. Post-Pigskin-Beatdown Stress Disorder. The Panthers are starting to get that Team of Destiny glow about them.

Dallas 28, Chicago 20 – If I agree will you stop telling me what a clutch QB Tony Romo is? Can’t you see he’s setting you up? He will break your heart later. Or he’ll be great but the Cowboys find another way to lose and we’ll all actually feel sorry for Tony Romo. Then we’ll move on. Wait. I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Dallas takes the W as Tony Romo shreds Chicago’s once proud defense for 350 yards and 4 TDs.

I hate hipsters like I hate clowns and dentists but I do like their music. The hipsters that is…