Make a play. Win the game.
San Diego 37, Denver 49 – Not as close
as the score indicates. I can see the Chargers scoring some points and in doing
so limiting Peyton Manning’s opportunities but Manning will still put up big enough
numbers with whatever opportunities the Broncos get. Manning is apparently on a
quest to erase the perception he’s a bad cold weather QB. The Chargers are
simply plot devices in Peyton Manning’s in the latest chapter of his magnum
opus.
Washington 23, Atlanta 27 – If there’s
any team in the NFL the Falcons can beat, it’s the Real Football Team of Washington.
They’re bitchy and vindictive and they
nurture small hurts and they somehow believe we’ll all be sympathetic to
their self-involved and self-inflicted pain. In truth it’s all we can do to
stifle our laughter. Well, okay, we don’t even care to do that anymore. They’re
the stars of the new hit comedy “The Big Schadenfreude Theory.” They were written
by Ricky Gervais. Washington is the pigskin equivalent of “Office Space” with HC Mike
Shanahan doing his best Peter Gibbons,
benching his franchise QB “for his own good,” acknowledging he’s a serial
liar, filling all the staplers with crazy glue, doing anything and everything
to force his boss to fire him only he won’t. (Too busy reminiscing about the
good old days when he was a lad in short pants and his favorite team fielded
real life Native Americans to play football for his amusement.) What’s Shanahan
have to do? Email dick pics to Snyder? I’ve already read one pigskin pundit
propose that starting Kirk Cousins is the smart
move for Washington. The play there is that Cousins runs the table and
makes himself a trade chip worthy of a 1st round pick or more likely
a 2nd and 5th. Okay, but one of the reasons RG3 has
struggled is poor offensive line play. Won’t Kirk Cousins be subject to this
same flaw in Washington’s offense? How is he supposed to put up the numbers to
convince the Arizona Cardinals to give up some draft coin to secure his services
at QB? And if he can do what RG3 couldn’t do behind a leaky offensive line? Let’s
spin the B-side. Let’s say Cousins manages to put up big numbers and run the
table. Small data sample, sure, but let’s say he’s 3-0-0, throws for 1,015
yards, 8 TD and 2 INT when the regular season ends. So now who are you trading?
Let’s say you trade Cousins to Arizona. Daniel Snyder finally fires Shanahan
and then hires Brett Favre as head coach. RG3 goes on to prove that 2013 was
the new normal and Cousins leads the Cardinals to a Super Bowl win in 2014.
That could happen. Then again, Cousins could get sacked 11 times and throw 5 interceptions. That could most definitely happen.
Chicago 24, Cleveland 33 – The Browns
are a little bit better on defense than the Cowboys. And Josh Gordon is a
beast. We’re reminded that Josh McCown never had a day like that before last
Monday night. We expect McCown to regress to the mean and regress hard.
Houston 39, Indianapolis 23 – That beeping
sound is the Indianapolis Colts backing into the playoffs. And that’s Andrew
Luck leaping from the cab of the truck before it crashes into the retaining
wall.
New England 29, Miami 27 – Would you
believe a game-winning safety this time? Why not? Maybe a punt blocked through
the end zone. No wait! A botched shotgun snap that sails over Ryan Tannehill’s
head that he tries to recover but he only winds up knocking it through the end
zone. After a questionable offensive pass interference penalty, of course.
Philadelphia 37, Minnesota 20 – Not even God
can stop the Eagles. So, you know, I’m not giving the Vikings much of
a chance here.
Seattle 40, NY Giants 18 – The Giants
get the Seahawks after a bitter loss and a long, annoying flight. Tough get for
a team that will be out of the playoffs with the next game they lose. The
Giants have been a huge disappointment. 8-8-0 could still take the NFC East. It
won’t but my mathematical point is simply that the NFC East is not a strong division.
Somebody was going to fall down in the right direction and win the NFC East.
And that team is not the New York Giants. What’s the record for most sacks
given up in one game?
San Francisco 20, Tampa Bay 27 – The
Buccaneers get the 49ers after an emotional win and a long, annoying flight.
Buffalo 12, Jacksonville 30 – Head Coach
Doug Marrone says that someday EJ Manuel is going to be a great quarterback. But it is not this day…
Kansas City 34, Oakland 21 – Chiefs’ fans
would probably like to just enjoy the regular season while it lasts but in the
back of their minds they have to know that a third loss to the Broncos is
probably their best case scenario. After watching Denver fold their asses into
hats twice in the regular season,
does anybody think Kansas City can beat them in Denver in the playoffs? Still,
it’s a better best case scenario than what the Raiders have. If they won out
they’d be 7-9-0. But they won’t. They’ll lose at least 2 of 3. First to KC and
then to the San Diego Chargers, whose goal in life is to never become the
Oakland Raiders. They’ll lose out if the season finale means anything to the
Denver Broncos. So, let’s say 5-11-0. Best case. Ouch.
NY Jets 16, Carolina 37 – The Panthers
transfer the humiliation from their loss to the Saints into furious anger wreaked upon the inexplicably still mathematically alive in the
playoffs Jets.
Green Bay 24, Dallas 23 – The Cowboys
seem bound and determined not to break their fans’ hearts in Week 17 this year.
They’d like to get it over with quickly so their fans don’t suffer as badly as
in previous seasons. If they can lose this week and then again next week in
Washington (admittedly, that will take some effort) then their Week 17 “show
down” with Philadelphia will be meaningless. I know a lot of people doubt the
Cowboys but I think they just might be able to do this.
Arizona 23, Tennessee 17 – Just when
you start to believe in the Cardinals you’re reminded that Carson Palmer is
still their quarterback. On the other hand, I just don’t get the sense the
Titans players care to save
Mike Munchak’s job and even if they did, there’s Ryan Fitzpatrick under
center for Tennessee.
New Orleans 43, St. Louis 13 – Drew Brees
and the Saints only stop scoring when HC Sean Payton calls Brees out of the
game so he can ask him if Brees can score Payton a couple of cases of free Nyquil.
Cincinnati 20, Pittsburgh 21 – Why can’t I
believe in the Bengals? Why do I still think the Steelers are legit? How
screwed am I when these two things come together? The actual score of this game
will probably be Cincinnati 40,
Pittsburgh 13. What’s with the universal disdain for Andy Dalton?
Not good when the consensus of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads is that only Photoshop
can put your franchise QB and the Lombardi Trophy in the same picture. (Go to
Google and enter “Will Andy Dalton win” and Google will suggest “will andy dalton
ever win a superbowl.”) Andy Dalton is way better than Trent Dilfer; why all
the hate, people? (Sorry, Trent Dilfer,
but it’s true.) Okay, so Dalton is a ginger. He does throw a few
too many interceptions. He’s averaged one INT for every game played in his
2.8125-year career. 45 games, 45 interceptions. That’s crazy. Every time Dalton
goes two games without a turnover he’s due for a game where he throws three to
the bad guys. That would make it tough to make a run deep into the playoffs.
Hmm. Perhaps the haters are right.
Baltimore 34, Detroit 30 – Flipping a
coin here. Can’t figure out either one of these teams.
Indulge me here...
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