Do These Grapes Taste Funny to You?

Apparently, Bill Belichick owns a condo in the Houston Texans’ collective head. Or Antonio Smith’s head at the very least.

 

Okay, Texans’ DE Antonio Smith has been demolished by everyone from the crypto-commenters in the Twitterverse to the shouting class on ESPN; it feels a little bit like piling on but some things you just can’t let go. Those of us who follow the Patriots are just a little bit sensitive when it comes to accusations that feature words like “spy” or “cheat.”

An athlete saying something stupid after a loss happens all the time. Athletes actually don’t need an excuse to say (or do) something stupid. After the fact, they’ll take down the tweet they posted or sheepishly admit to the local media that it was one of those “heat of the moment” kind of things and they feel badly about what they said (or did). That Antonio Smith made the ludicrous claim that the 8-3-0 Patriots arranged – somehow – to spy on the 2-9-0 Texans, stealing their double-secret plan to beat New England, translating that diabolical espionage into a 17-7 halftime deficit, isn’t really the story for me 28 hours into the news cycle. It’s the fact that we haven’t heard anything from Gary Kubiak or Wade Phillips.

Before I go on, it’s too soon to make any jokes that reference Kubiak’s stroke, right? Right. Okay.

Do Kubiak and Phillips believe Smith’s pigskin conspiracy theory? Do they have similar explanations for the previous nine losses? Was Matt Schaub abducted by aliens and replaced with a less than fully tested cyborg simulacrum of Matt Schaub? (Admittedly, this would explain a lot.) Bad shellfish for lunch before the Colts game? Someone replaced JJ Watt’s motivational hard rockin’ Five Finger Death Punch pre-game music with a Kelly Clarkson CD before the Rams game? Gypsy curse?

I’m sure Gary Kubiak and Wade Phillips have more important things to think about (like how hard it’s going to be to sell their houses at the end of the season). Maybe they’re as tired of getting their asses folded into a hat by Bill Belichick as Antonio Smith is. I find it hard to believe they haven’t been asked about Smith’s comments but I haven’t been able to find anything in the Google Machine. Perhaps the reality is just too much for them to handle.

Bill Belichick is better than you.