Fate is Coincidence Wrapped in Hindsight

Obligatory weekly picks…

After the jump…

Dallas losing to Cleveland at home just writes itself, doesn’t it? A feel good, underdog tale of a failed baseball player turned quarterback in Brandon Weeden, a rookie running back in Trent Richardson who looks a little bit like Emmitt Smith and a whole bunch of other guys, some B-List supporting guys in Josh Cribs, Joe Thomas and Joe Haden (if he plays) and a whole bunch of other guys like you see in the movies like fat guy, crazy guy, cool black guy, dumb white guy, breaking down veteran guy, political commentary guy (think ethnic lesbian placekicker); a lovable, ragtag bunch trying to live up to the once proud uniforms of the Cleveland Browns they now wear. Of course, events in the real world hardly ever end like the movies, unless that movie is based on a true story, of course. Let’s face it; Keanu Reeves is not walking through that locker room door.

I suspect Tony Romo’s window has already closed. He’s 32 years old. It’s true Elway didn’t win a Super Bowl till he was 37 but he engineered The Drive and got to the Super Bowl when he was 25. Romo’s signature moment is a botched hold on an extra point. (Who else has their starting QB hold for extra points and field goals?) I don’t think Romo is as bad as his critics would have you believe but shouldn’t he have at least lost a Super Bowl by now?

Browns 23, Cowboys 21

This is one of those, “The playoffs begin today…” games for the Lions. At 4-5-0 they’re a long shot to be sure but they certainly cannot afford another loss and perhaps even more significantly, another division loss as they’re already 0-3-0. Ndamukong Suh is the bipolar face of the franchise, a veritable ticking time bomb of insanity, a man of incredible physical strength and the savage world view of a two-year old. Detroit HC Jim Schwartz has told Suh that Aaron Rodgers broke his sister’s tricycle and said mean things about his mommy.

Lions 31, Packers 24

The worst home teams in the NFC are Dallas, Carolina and Washington, all with 1 win apiece. Brutal. I still don’t think Philadelphia has a chance this Sunday in our nation’s capital, even if Washington is playing for next year. Hard to say what the Eagles are playing for; a new head coach?

Skins 27, Eagles 16

Tampa Bay at Carolina is the kind of game that could use some kind of TKO rule. Pigskin CEO Greg Schiano has the Buccaneers believing they can make the playoffs. (It won’t be easy with two games against the Falcons and roadies at Denver and New Orleans ahead.) The Bucs have the #1 rushing defense (though overall they only rank 31^st – trading your #1 cornerback when you have the worst pass defense in the league is either a ballsy move or certifiably insane). They run the ball effectively with rookie phenom Doug Martin and QB Josh Freeman seems to have rediscovered his fastball, leading the league with his 8.37 yards per attempt (Vincent Jackson’s 21.4 yards per reception has to help, not to mention Mike Williams 18.3). The Pewter Pirates have won their last three games by scores of 36-17, 42-32 and 34-24. Swag, baby.

Carolina is 1-4-0 at home. They’re a team that is just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to them; five of their seven losses were one score games (losing by 6, 2, 4, 5 and 1 point). Fear of success? The Panthers apparently have no fear of failure. What’s the opposite of swag?

Buccaneers 41, Panthers 12

Given Matt Schaub’s injury history, I’d be tempted to play my second string QB with Jacksonville coming to town, just to limit the opportunities for something snapping, tearing or breaking.

Texans 28, Jaguars 3

A Jets win in St. Louis will probably generate a lot of “turning the corner/back in the playoff race/go team” chatter from the NYJ. A Jets loss in St. Louis will undoubtedly generate more anonymous recriminations, irrational justifications for Mark Sanchez as a starting QB and the teary-eyed insistence that the NYJ are still in the playoff hunt.

Hilarious in either case.

Rams 20, Jets 17

I doubt a Chargers win against the Broncos would cause many cause pigskin pundits and bobbleheads to question Denver’s inevitability. They’ve got Peyton Manning penciled in as Comeback Player and MVP, Von Miller as DPOY and the Broncos as the AFC rep in Super Bowl XLVII. As we’ve seen following the presidential election, it’s hard to give up deeply held beliefs, regardless of the facts on the ground.

Even with a win this Sunday in Denver, I’m not sure Norv Turner can save his job. Turner’s “unacceptable” moment in last week’s post-game presser sounded more like a man who was about to break down and cry than a man who was asking you to step outside.

I waste my time on a lot of worthless endeavors – casting a remake of “The Philadelphia Story” (Emma Stone is my current fave for the Katherine Hepburn role), trying to decide what my all-time favorite Kelly Clarkson song is (“My Life Would Suck” or “Stronger”?), questioning the sanity of whomever it is that puts together that Maxim Hot 100 list (Jessica Biel at 28? Seriously?) – but considering the prospects of a San Diego win over Denver this Sunday may indeed have been the biggest waste of my time by a wide margin.

Broncos 55, Chargers 9

Even without Ben Roethlisberger, the Steelers should take care of the Ravens in Pittsburgh. Joe Flacco has been Sanchezesque on the road. Pittsburgh’s running game plus a defensive score should be enough.

Steelers 20, Ravens 9

We’ll find out just how good Chicago’s defense is Monday night as they travel to San Francisco. With QB Jay Cutler still unable to remember the last four digits of his social security number, it will be left to Jason Campbell – one of the better backup QBs in the NFL – to feed the rock to Matt Forte on running plays and screens and occasionally find Brandon Marshall downfield. San Fran’s starting QB Alex Smith was concussed last week, too, but not so much as brain rattling helmet to chin shot that Cutler took. He may be ready to play by Monday but the 49ers are more than happy to rely on their running game and defense, too. I’ll set the over/under on combined pass attempts for the game at 29.5.

49ers 12, Bears 9

I’ve spent the week listening to local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads talk about how they’re already clearing a space for Andrew Luck’s bust in Canton and how he will be strafing New England’s epic fail secondary this Sunday. The Patriots front four can’t get any pressure on the QB + The Patriots secondary can’t cover receivers downfield = Career day for Andrew Luck. Admittedly, New England’s shaky performance off the bye, at home against Buffalo does not justify arguments to the contrary.

Aqib Talib debuting with a Pick-6 is probably too much to ask, isn’t it?

Three more turnovers are probably too much to ask, too.

Meanwhile, the Patriots are banged up on offense. They could be without starting guards Logan Mankins and Dan Connolly, Aaron Hernandez is still struggling with an ankle injury and Wes Welker – also with an ankle injury – will be a game time decision.

There’s a reason CBS flexed this game to 4:15pm and assigned their top team of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms to call the game and it isn’t because they’re expecting the Patriots to blow out the Colts. Nantz and Simms – inveterate Patriot Haters – are coming to Foxborough to anoint Andrew Luck as the next great NFL QB.

Brady ain’t dead yet. Maybe it’s all I got. Maybe it’s all I need.

Patriots 38, Colts 20