No,
it’s not too late, even if you’re 0-4-0. Well, unless you’re 0-4-0 and you’re
the Cleveland Browns. In that case, yeah, too late.
Speaking
of 0-4-0, Drew Brees and the Big Easy’s are getting ready for their close up on
Sunday Night Football, facing Philip Rivers and the Whale’s Vagina Chargers. Rivers,
of course, supplanted Brees as starting QB for the Powder Blue Bolts back in
2006, setting off a chain reaction that resulted in (a) the Miami Dolphins
continuing to suck and (b) the New Orleans Saints winning a Super Bowl thanks
to institutional thuggery and Brees pinpoint passing. Though much will be made
of Rivers and Brees interconnected narratives, 6.25 years later, this hardly
shapes up as a grudge match. For New Orleans, the prospect of falling to 0-5-0
should be all the motivation needed; nothing motivates like desperation.
Unfortunately, desperation rarely overcomes having the worst defense in
the league.
And let’s not forget this is the kind of game the Chargers win early in the
season so their late season collapse can achieve epic-level status.
Chargers
34, Saints 31.
Who’s
more fun than Jay Cutler right now? He’s got the worst mechanics of any
quarterback in the NFL not named Tim Tebow; he’s got the smirking social skills
of an eight-year old; he trusts his mighty right arm like it was Thor’s Hammer. He’s a less
likable Brett Favre (I know!). He’s the polar opposite of Tom Brady. He’s a
human NASCAR race, careening three-wide and sideways into the turn, sometimes
exploding in a fiery ball of shredded tires and twisted metal and sometimes
bursting from the chaos of smoke and fire unscathed. Somehow, in the face of
everything we hold to be good and true about sports and sportsmanship, he has
the Chicago Bears in a tie for first place in the NFC North with Green Bay and
Detroit in his rear view.
Bears
38, Jaguars 3.
Are
we starting to wonder what Mark Sanchez did in a previous life to deserve this?
Something involving genocide? Okay, probably not; we’re only talking about
playing football badly here. It’s not like he’s been thrown in a pit, left for
dead and a last meal of rat tartare. Perhaps he was a cattle rustler or a
personal injury lawyer. Maybe he was a carny who ran a rigged rifle range game.
Karmic justice or mere happenstance, it doesn't look good for Sanchez this
Sunday. Houston’s defense is statistically better than the San Francisco
defense that just ate his lunch, punched him the stomach and told him he’d
better do better than tuna salad next time.
Texans
26, Jets 0.
As
a general observation, I’d say it’s absurd to talk about an eleven-year veteran
“getting it.” In Michael Vick’s case it’s far more reasonable to look at his
zero turnover game against the Giants as an aberration rather than an epiphany.
The Steelers have had two weeks to stew in the bitter juices of their 34-31
loss to the Raiders and though Troy Polamalu and James Harrison are still
questionable I would still expect Pittsburgh to throw the zone-blitz sink at
Vick who I expect to regress to his statistical mean, giving up two turnovers.
With the Bengals and Ravens both at 3-1-0, the Steelers need this game a whole
lot more than the Eagles. Expect something heroic from Roethlisberger,
something limpy and wincy and no, no, no I’m not coming out of this game 4th
down conversion and game-winning scramble with outstretched arms for the TD heroic.
Steelers
21, Eagles 20.
Ryan
Tannehill is starting to look like he belongs in the conversation with Andrew
Luck and RG III. Of course, by default he would be mentioned in any
conversation that begins, “Let’s talk about the first round quarterbacks taken in
2012…” but throwing for 400+ yards in a game – in particular against a good
defensive team – will tend to get people’s attention. (Imagine that guy in your
office who has Brian Hartline on his fantasy team. Brian Hartline! Yeah, you
hate that guy. He's an idiot and he's killing you.) The Dolphins do look like a team that will lose a lot of close,
competitive games. This week will be no different.
Bengals
24, Dolphins 20.
Headlining
Week 5, in the latest installment of the great debate over who is this
generation’s Greatest QB of All NFL Time, Peyton Manning returns to Foxborough
to face Tom Brady.
I
hate these games. The difference between Manning and Brady isn’t worth talking
about. In fact, Brady just tied Manning for most AFC Offensive Player of the
Week awards in All NFL Time. When asked if you would trade Brady for Manning or
Manning for Brady the correct answer is, “What’s the point?”
I
really wish this game was being played the first week of December than the
first week of October. I expect this defense to continue to improve over the
course of the season but they certainly aren’t all the way there, yet.
Hightower has a hammy. They’ll need to get pressure and losing Hightower hurts.
As good as Chandler Jones is, he’ll be up against Ryan Clady, one of the best
left tackles in the NFL. There are still issues at safety. “Issues at Safety”
could be the title of a Peyton Manning highlight reel. I’m not sure what can be
done about that without plenty of hits, knockdowns and sacks. But I’ve seen
this all before and somehow the ball always comes out of his hand before he
goes down. He’s like one of those horror movie characters that you kill and you
kill and you kill and somehow they’re never dead.
So
I’m anxious. Concerned. Worried. Apprehensive. Maybe I threw up in my mouth.
Still, I like the Patriots at home.
Josh
McDaniels seems to have reasoned it out. The Patriots have the #1 offense in
the NFL. They suddenly have a lethal running game to go with the already potent
passing game. Bolden and Ridley look like a two-headed Corey Dillon. There, I
said it; I said it and I’m glad! Admittedly, a two-headed Corey Dillon would be
kind of creepy. Anyway, they have a running game. And Brady is brilliant with
the ball fake. That sets up play-action to Gronkowski or deep sideline patterns
to Lloyd. Meanwhile, Welker is being Welker again. Think of it this way. They
rolled 500+ yards and 50+ points on the Buffalo Bills and their new and
improved defense without Aaron
Hernandez and Logan Mankins.
Vince
Wilfork will be going mano y mano with old friend Dan Koppen. Koppen struggled
in training camp to hold up against Wilfork, Love and a bunch of guys who aren’t
even with the Patriots any more. Much was made of Koppen’s lack of roster
flexibility at the time. He could only play center while all the other interior
linemen were listed as C/G. Koppen wasn’t going to contribute on special teams,
either. While all of that was true, the stories of Koppen routinely losing in
1-on-1 drills is what stuck with me. I expect Vince Wilfork to be an agent of
chaos, disrupting the Broncos’ running game and pressuring Manning up the
middle. Which I just realized sounds kind of dirty.
Belichick
is still the master. He’s the master of the game plan and he’s the master at
working the bottom of the roster. Julian Edelman has a hand injury? Let’s bring
back Deion Branch. Dont’a Hightower pulls a hamstring? How about Bobby
Carpenter to backfill? It’s not just the plan, it’s the personnel.
No plan
survives contact with the enemy, of course. In-game adjustments need to be
made. Belichick always gives the credit to the players after a victory but you
seriously want to tell me nothing was said or done at halftime? It flies in the
face of my closely held belief that inertia is the strongest force in the
universe. Things will continue to go as they are going on until acted upon by
an external force. I believe the man who once upon a time encouraged former
Ravens’ wide receiver Derrick Mason to check the scoreboard most
certainly had some insightful homilies for his team during their halftime break.
So,
Brady, McDaniels, Wilfork and Belichick. Bolden and Ridley. Gronk, Lloyd and
Welker. Et al.
Patriots
48, Broncos 24.
Goodbye
September…
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