Pip Pip Cheerio

London is a long way to go to lose a football game. It’s an even longer flight back. It’s Einstein’s Law of Expectations. Time slows down as doom approaches.

 

I’ve got my eye on the 1 and 2 win teams this week. It ain’t over till it’s over but it’s going to be over pretty soon for these teams. Unless the statistically improbable happens and one of them rips off 5 or 6 wins in a row. That would be crazy. Too bad it won’t happen…

Looks like another three hankie game for Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers as they head to Chicago to face the 5-1-0 Bears. Da Bears might be the best team in the NFC. Their +84 point differential in 6 games is better than the 5-2-0 Giants and 49ers and the 6-0-0 Falcons. It’s arithmetic! As for Newton, does it get any worse than being compared to Vince Young? (Well, being compared to Ryan Leaf would be worse, of course. And Hitler. Definitely Hitler.) That’s going to leave a mark. As will Brian Urlacher. Anyway, does everyone hate Jay Cutler? No fine for Ndamukong Suh suplexing Cutler head first into the turf? His own coach going all “it’s just football” on him after game? You know, when Brandon Marshall is the voice of reason, it may be a while before we can figure out what it all means.

Bears 38, Panthers 16.

Given the Asperger-like behavior of the San Diego Chargers it’s a real possibility the Browns could win this game. Yeah, right. Cleveland is bad. Seriously. Bad. The Chargers are a much better team. They’re coming off a bye. More importantly, in the battle of Repetitive Patterns of Behavior vs. Lack of Motor Skills there’s no way I take Lack of Motor Skills, no matter what the point spread is.

Chargers 31, Browns 9.

I know Detroit has 2 wins but it feels like they only have 1, doesn’t it? They were supposed to build on last year’s playoff appearance and contend for the NFC North. Instead they’re 2-4-0 and in dead last. They make me feel much better about the year in 3^rd grade when I failed to work up to my abilities. Hey, it’s true. I wasn’t even trying. B’s and C’s bitches! But Detroit is getting D’s and F’s and that’s really not cool, even when you’re not even trying. Lucky for the Lions, the Seahawks are not nearly so valiant and true on the road as they are at home.

Lions 24, Seahawks 23.

The Jaguars are traveling to Green Bay without their best player, Maurice Jones-Drew. Their embattled Quarterback of an Alternative Future Blaine Gabbert is hurt. The kids from Little Giants might have a better chance in this game.

Packers 43, Jaguars 6.

I’ve been wrong about a lot of things but I don’t think I’ve ever been as wrong as I was about the Kansas City Chiefs. I guess the Chiefs’ players love Romeo Crennel but not that way. Have crueler words ever been spoken than, “Brady Quinn is our starting quarterback?” Who dumps Matt Cassel and starts dating Brady Quinn the week before the prom? This is a big game for Kansas City. Oakland has been their long-time rival going back to the old AFL. Granted, this may mean nothing to Brady Quinn but it means a lot to the crimson-clad fans who will fill Arrowhead Stadium this Sunday. More’s the pity.

Raiders 18, Chiefs 15 (all field goals).

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will take buckles and swashes to Minnesota where Christian Ponder’s sudden averageness has largely gone unnoticed thanks to Adrian Peterson’s return to above averageness. The Bucs actually have a better point differential (+12) than the equally 2-4-0 New Orleans Saints (-6). Unlike the Saints, the Buccaneers prefer to lose low scoring games. The Vikings should oblige.

Vikings 17, Buccaneers 13.

The tendency is to tilt your head to one side like a dog when looking at the Saints early season struggles. (What is that?) Before getting off to the 0-4-0 start, there was chatter amongst the pigskin commentariat regarding the real and uncomfortable possibility the Bountygate Boys would host Super Bowl 4.70E+01. Even with the season-long suspension of Sean “Painless” Payton, the Saints still had Drew Brees and their nitromethane-powered offense. They had a chip on their shoulders. They had something to prove. Comparisons to the 2007 Patriots and their response to Spygate were made. So, what happened? It turns out the only offenses that could score more points than the Saints offense was any offense playing against the Saints defense. The Saints are giving up an astounding 465 yards and 30 points a game. They will be playing outdoors – and at altitude – this Sunday night in Denver. More importantly, Peyton Manning will be playing against the Saints defense.

Broncos 55, Saints 34.

Hold on hope, Patriots Nation…