It Got Better

Sorry I didn't post this sooner but I was drunk on football. Oh yes and tequila.

  

Sunday was as a beautiful autumn day in New England. Good times.

So many pigskin heroes for the Patriots on Sunday. No, they won’t score 50+ points every Sunday and yes, they did give up 28 points and had more than a few shaky moments on defense but I’m going to roll in this one like a dog with a dead fish.

What’s better than a Patriots win? A Patriots win and a Jets loss and a Bills loss and a Dolphins loss. Mostly “and a Jets loss.” The Jets were grounded and pounded by the 49ers in one of those 34-0 and it wasn’t that close kind of games. The chattering classes are already clamoring for Tim Tebow as Mark Sanchez has been playing like an amnesiac dentist whose been told he’s a professional quarterback. It seems cool at first and there’s the supermodel/actress girlfriend of course but eventually you start asking yourself existentialist questions that become Zen koans only you can understand. Rinse? Spit? You’re going to feel a small pinch… Have you been flossing regularly? These are the things you ask yourself right after you underthrow a wide open receiver because you have the arm strength of an amnesiac dentist.

Sanchez is arguably the worst QB in the NFL not named Blaine Gabbert. He is completing 49% of his pass attempts at a time where 65% is the new normal. His offensive linemen apparently hate him. He has no running game to speak of (unless we are to speak ill of it) and the defense, minus Darrelle Revis looks decidedly average (21^st in yards allowed, 22^nd in points allowed). His best receivers – Santonio Holmes and Dustin Keller – are hurt leaving the Jets with Chaz Schilens, Jeremy Kerley and Jeff Cumberland to star in Step Up 3 and Out: Drop It Like It’s Hot.

It’s hard to see what the Jets can do to turn this around. When Tebow quarterbacked the Broncos to a playoff spot, he had a running game, a solid receiving corps and a stout defense. As noted above, the Jets have none of these things.

Yes, I know it’s wrong to enjoy the misfortune of others. So why does it feel so good?

And yeah, the Jets are actually tied for first place in the AFC East with the Patriots and Bills.

But it doesn’t feel that way, does it?

If the Super Bowl was Played Today…

If I were a Texans fan with plenty of disposable income I’d be planning my February trip to New Orleans. Houston has got it all. They’re giving up the fewest points in the NFL while ranking second in points scored. My spatial math skills are essentially nonexistent but I think this means the Texans have been crushing it. Let’s count them down…

   1) Houston Texans – Juggernauty.

   2) Arizona Cardinals – Yeah, I’m still having a hard time buying the Kevin Kolb was always going to be this good storyline but Arizona’s defense is good (yes, I’m throwing out the Tannehill-Hartline numbers as an outlier) and we know what defense does. It leaves sweaty fingerprints on the Lombardi Trophy.

   3) Atlanta Falcons – Destined to lose to the Cardinals in the NFC Championship. Sorry. We all know it’s true.

   4) Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco is elite at handing the ball to Ray Rice.

   5) New England Patriots – Let’s see the offense roll up 550+ yards consistently and then we can talk, okay?

   6) San Francisco 49ers – I know the Vikings look like they might be for real but seriously, you lost to the Vikings? Oh, you beat the Jets 34-0. Really. You’re telling me you’re buying the Jets as a Super Bowl contender? Oh, the Jets only looked that bad because they were playing you? And you’re explaining the loss to the Vikings how?

   7) Philadelphia Eagles – I know. The Eagles, man.

   8) Green Bay Packers – I don’t care how much noise the Vikings and Bears are making right now. I will care if they’re still making noise in November, of course.

   9) Denver Broncos – Peyton Manning > Philip Rivers > Carson Palmer > Matt Cassel.

10) Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are a good team but really, once you get this far down the list, people are starting not to care. It’s not personal. What were we talking about?

Like everything else, this one’s for you, babe…