Super Bowl 51 Drinking Games - Patriots Edition

We're down to hours. The big game is almost upon us. Guacamole will be dipped. Lucky chili will be eaten. Drinks will be drunk.

And if you need any encouragement, I can offer the following…

I'm Not Getting Over It

The message seems to be that I should just move on. Well, not me personally but everyone who's pigskin passport was issued by Patriots Nation. Move on. Get over it. Haters gonna hate so shake it off, shake it off. Let it go, let it go… Oh wait, that lyric is all about letting it all out while I'm being asked to keep it all inside. And you'll go gay if you sing it. Well, that's what I heard.

Where was I?

Oh, right. Unreasonably bitter and angry.

You Hate Them. You Really, Really Hate Them

If you still believe in polling data (I seriously understand if you don't) then we can confirm with actual numbers and stuff that the Patriots are the most hated team in the NFL.

Suck it, Dallas Cowboys! We all know who the real America's Team is now, don't we?

Julian Edelman's Beard

I'll admit, I don't really like to know the intimate details of celebrities' lives. Especially the ones I like. Okay, just the ones I like. My heroes, if you will. The rest I'm more than willing to listen if you have something quirky or salacious or just plain creepy. (Unless it's about Mariah Carey. Too creepy. Clear your browser history creepy.) I like Julian Edelman because he plays for the Patriots but I'm not all that interested in his obsession with hamburgers or his Swedish baby mama.

Okay, yes I am.

And yes, his beard is impressive, though I'd say Rob Ninkovich's is better. I don't really care to know the details of beard grooming but I guess we're down to that, aren't we?

And still five days to go…

Let's do this. Let's take the road more traveled…

Wishing and Hoping

The week leading up to a Patriots game is fraught with anxiety. I know that may be hard to believe if you live west of the Connecticut River. New England has won nearly 80% of their games with Belichick and Brady. Why worry so much? Because Belichick (and his coaches and players) will make this week's opponent sound like a combo platter of the Greatest Show on Turf Rams and the Super Bowl Shuffle Bears. Intellectually I know it's just that Belichick has too much respect for the game and the men who play it to take any team lightly. Still, my inner child with his fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of ego dissolution, fear of - well, you get the picture - my inner child can't help but feel a little nervous.

And with two weeks leading up to a Super Bowl against a legitimately dangerous opponent?

My inner child is currently curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, whimpering quietly, hoping no one can hear.

Patriots So White

I hope you haven't turned "Chris Hogan played lacrosse in college" into a drinking game. If so, you're probably face down in a puddle of your own vomit. Best wishes on a speedy recovery.

It's The Same Old Song

I guess there's no other way to put it. I've just been blackout drunk on the Patriots win in the AFC Championship Game. I finally woke up today and after a quick look around, all I could think was...

I really could use a drink.

I guess Willie Shakesberg was right; there really isn't anything new under the sun. Everyone west of the Connecticut River hates the Patriots. The Patriots are cheaters. (These two narratives may be related.) Bill Belichick is a genius albeit of the evil variety. (This may also be related to the "everyone hates the Patriots" narrative.) Everyone west of the Connecticut River hates Tom Brady. (Sensing a pattern now.) Tom Brady is the GOAT. Or not. Either way he's smug, condescending and arrogant. Blah, blah, blah.