Bitterly Cold

Is it simply petty bitterness on my part? Well, so what if it is?

 

I’ll be rooting for the Seahawks this Sunday in Super Bowl XLVIII.

Okay, I’ll really be rooting against the Broncos this Sunday in Super Bowl XLVIII. It just so happens they’re playing the Seahawks. I’d be rooting for the 49ers if they were repping the NFC.

Not that I think the Seahawks will win. This is Manning’s year. He broke Drew Brees record for passing yards and Tom Brady’s record for TD passes. And he did it at age 37, coming back from career-threatening neck surgery. Manning’s regular season resume is staggering. If he can win a second Super Bowl and do it outdoors in frigid temps – his supposed kryptonite – he will erase any argument against his ascendance. Step aside Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, Dan Marino and especially you Tom Brady; Peyton Manning is the man.

The Seahawks are just B-movie villains, sneering with braggadocio in Act I, sure to be gut shot by our hero in Act III.

Who (outside of Seattle) doesn’t want Peyton Manning to win Super Bowl XLVIII?

I’m looking at you, Terry McAuley and the rest of middle-aged white guys who will be calling the game. If asked, I’m sure you would say it won’t matter on Sunday but you know you love Peyton Manning. You’ll swear it won’t influence the calls you make but there will be at least one questionable roughing the passer call that bails Manning out of a jam (look for that yellow hanky to fly after an interception). I’m setting the over/under on pass interference calls on Seattle at 3.5. I’d recommend you bet the over.

It’s the NFL’s most beloved player, Peyton Manning, going for the win that would secure his place in NFL history as the greatest QB ever. Why is this so important? Because Peyton Manning is Middle America’s favorite son. The guy you hope your daughter will marry. The man you know your son will never grow up to be. A car salesman you can trust. A member of the Omaha Chamber of Commerce. A man so noble and true and strong and hard-working that you ever so briefly considered a sex change operation until you remembered you wouldn’t do anything to stain his reputation and an extramarital affair with a transgender woman might put Peyton’s immense forehead on the cover of the Weekly World News (with an inset of Bat Boy captioned “Love Child?”).

And who is he playing against in this most biggest importantest Super Bowl of all time?

Dreadlocked thugs from Compton. Richard Sherman is that guy who’s been arrested but never convicted, asking the cops if they want to party with him later when his lawyer comes to spring him.

Check this graph from The Guardian:

“Since 2011, six Seahawks players have been given four-game suspensions for violating the sport's drugs policies. Guard John Moffitt is understood to have tested positive for prescription drug Adderall, an amphetamine used in the treatment of attention deficit disorder. (Moffitt has since quit the game altogether). Offensive lineman Allen Barbre and cornerback Winston Guy, both of whom are no longer with Seattle, each served four-game drug-related suspensions. Defensive end Bruce Irvin missed four games this season after breaking the league's drug rules, as did another cornerback, Walter Thurmond. For those not familiar with NFL positions, many of these are very big guys doing a lot of pushing and shoving, and almost all play on the defensive side of the team, a key component in the Seahawks' success.”

If Peyton Manning is Tom Cruise in a sensible sedan the Seattle Seahawks are a motorcycle gang of gay, black, meth-huffing alien vampire zombies chasing him through the frozen swamps of Jersey with blood in their eyes and a hard on in their pants.

You think that won’t have at least a subconscious impact on those middle-aged white guys wearing those unfashionable stripes Sunday night? They’re only human. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Can anything stop the seemingly inevitable?

Based on the rather benign weather forecast for Super Bowl Sunday I’m inclined to believe even God wants Peyton Manning to win this game. It will be cold but only seasonably so. Wind? Snow? Not so much. Though you might think otherwise if you’ve been paying any attention to pigskin pundits and bobbleheads. NFL luminaries such as Don Shula and Mike Ditka have called the cold weather Super Bowl a mistake and stupid.

Could the controversy regarding the Super Bowl being held at MetLife in February be intended to mitigate the impact of a potential failure by Manning? As noted above, he supposedly doesn’t play well in cold weather. So, it’s unfair if his legacy was put at risk by this stupid, outdoors, cold weather Super Bowl, right?

Let’s just get over the argument that if the weather impacts the game it somehow invalidates the fairness of the result. Both teams will play under the same conditions, whatever they are. I’m not sure how much fairer than that it can get. Football was invented as an outdoor game that would be played into the winter months. Unlike baseball, football games aren’t stopped for a little rain. Or even a lot of rain. Or wind. Or a blizzard. Lightning storms that might kill a paying customer? Okay, we’ll stop playing football in that case. The reason Super Bowls have been played in Miami and San Diego and wherever there’s a dome is because it’s better for television, not because it makes for better football. There’s a reason why the ’58 championship is referred to as “the greatest game” and it isn’t because it was played indoors. Ask yourself to name the most iconic games in NFL history and you’re probably going to have the Ice Bowl on your list. Green Bay, -40F wind chill, Bart Starr winning the game on a quarterback sneak. I’m going to have the Snow Bowl (you may know it as the Tuck Rule Game) on my list.

When you get to the Super Bowl, there’s no such thing as a level playing field. A dome team, playing a dome Super Bowl is going to have an advantage over a team that plays their games outdoors on natural turf. It is what it is. Astute general managers build their teams to play indoors even when they don’t. Take a look at the Green Bay Packers if you don’t believe me.

I think the only reason the arctic vortex is such a big deal is Peyton Manning’s legacy and the possibility that it will adversely impact the Broncos’ record-setting pass-centric offense. If Knowshon Moreno is the MVP of Super Bowl XLVIII then, sure, Manning wins on points, but Manning’s fans are looking for the knockout blow here; indisputable video evidence that he is the greatest of all time. 400+ yards passing, 4+ TD passes and a Super Bowl MVP trophy to set right next to that fifth regular season MVP award.

I hate to say it but I think that’s just what’s going to happen.

As a Patriots’ fan, I knew exactly how this season was going to end as soon as Wes Welker signed with the Broncos. Denver was going to the Super Bowl and Welker was going to – finally – make a clutch catch with the game on the line, sealing the victory that slipped through his fingertips as a Patriot.

Because sometimes life is like a movie; a movie with a terrible ending that you saw coming a mile away.