The Men Who Stare at GOATs

No! Nooooooooooooooo! Not again! Not again. Please. Not. Again. Fourteen times wasn’t enough?

 

Apparently fourteen times isn’t enough. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, arguably two of the Top 10 NFL Quarterbacks of All Time, will lead their teams onto the gridiron for the fifteenth time this Sunday. Fifteen! On, and IT MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME EVER! And it’s for EVERYTHING. It’s for their respective legacies. It’s another chapter in one of the most compelling narratives in sports history. Whatever happens, it’s going to mean something!

Well, if Brady/Manning goes on to win the Super Bowl, of course. If he loses the big game, well, you know. Soy un perdedor.  

I understand there’s too much context now. Fourteen games worth of context. Willie McGinest. 4^th and 2. Ty Law’s three interceptions. It’s nearly a full season’s worth of games. Marino and Elway played against each other just three times. Is it better than Stabler vs. Bradshaw? Young vs. Aikman? Do we care?

Brady and Manning don’t actually face each other, of course. There are lots of ins and outs. There are differences between the two teams in terms of wide receivers, tight ends, running backs, offensive lines, defensive lines, run defense, pass defense, safety play, coverage linebackers, rush specialists, return specialists, kickers, punters, etc. It’s football! There’s like eleven different guys on each team!

Where was I? Oh, yes. I get it. One of them has to be the greatest of all time. Unless you still think it’s Montana or Marino or Elway or maybe Unitas or maybe even Otto Graham, of course. If, in other words, you’re a huge douche.

Here’s the deal.

Peyton Manning is the GOAT. Numbers don’t lie. He is the man. The way it ended for Brett Favre makes it hard to go there; Manning has also never emailed a picture of his dick to a woman not named Peyton Manning’s Wife. Clear edge to Manning there. More importantly is the inevitability that Manning will surpass Favre’s record for career TD passes next year and his record for career passing yards the season after that. Marino’s selling Nutrisystem. Besides, Manning broke Marino’s record. Twice. Joe Montana? The argument for Montana seems almost quaint at this point. Nobody even knows who John Candy is any more. Elway had the comebacks but doesn’t that mean he wasn’t very good in the first three quarters?

There’s Manning and then there’s everyone else. Peyton Manning is the greatest of all time.

Done.

Over.

Finito.

One problem.

Tom Brady.

The greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL is 4-10 against Tom Brady’s teams. This could simply be dismissed as nothing more than a statistical outlier, a small data sample. Except for Tom Brady’s own numbers. And his Super Bowl rings. And his rugged good looks, those dreamy blue eyes and that dimple in his chin. And his Brazilian supermodel wife. And he’s always lurking. If Peyton Manning is #1 or #2 in a given statistic, there’s Tom Brady at #5 or #7.

And then there are the playoffs where everything is totally upside down. In the playoffs Tom Brady is just 3 TD passes from tying Joe Montana for the most all time. He is the first player in NFL history to pass for 6,000+ yards in the playoffs; Peyton Manning will most assuredly become the second player to reach that milestone this Sunday. In the playoffs Manning is 10-11. Brady is 18-7.

Tom Brady’s mere existence makes you want to question everything that is good and holy in this world!

Namely, Peyton Manning.

And his legacy. You see, if Manning and the Broncos win Sunday and then win the cold, outdoors Super Bowl XLVIII in the Meadowlands, he seals the deal. GOAT. Thanks for playing, Tom Brady. I guess you can try to console yourself by spending the rest of your life with one of the most beautiful women on the planet.

(You can almost see why so many people hate the guy. Even when he loses he wins.)

On the other hand, if Brady and the Patriots win Sunday and then win that cold, outdoors Super Bowl XLVIII in the Meadowlands, nobody will be able to wipe that smug grin off the faces of New Englanders. Tom Brady would have six Super Bowl appearances and four winner’s rings. He would extend his record for career playoff wins to 20. He would almost certainly break Montana’s TD record and be #1 in playoff TD passes and playoff passing yardage. All the Patriot Haters would have to stop saying, “Yeah, well, the Patriots haven’t won a Super Bowl since Spygate.”  

If Peyton Manning and the Broncos lose this Sunday or lose that cold, outdoors Super Bowl XLVIII in the Meadowlands, well, I guess he can try to console himself with his role as the beloved, goofy spokesperson for Papa John’s Pizza.