Almost Real

We get our pigskin amuse-bouche tonight, as the Patriots play their first preseason game of 2012. As is usually the case, if the Patriots play well, I will be surfing a 40-foot wave of wild optimism. If they struggle, well hey, it’s early, you know?

I actually like preseason games. I look forward to seeing undrafted free agents and 7^th round draft choices make their bid for a spot on an NFL roster – and in this case not just any roster but the Microsoft of the NFL, the New England Patriots.

Contractually Obligated List of What I’m Looking For in Tonight’s Preseason Game

Tom Brady – I’m looking for a 5 for 5 opening drive for a touchdown with a completion to Brandon Lloyd along the way. Then I’d like to see Brady dressed in Kevlar, rolled up in bubble wrap and surrounded by stadium security for the rest of the game.

The Running Backs – I think we know what we’ve got in Danny Woodhead so I’m looking for Stevan Ridley, Shane Vereen and undrafted free agent Brandon Bolden to tote the rock with confidence, decisiveness, authority, a burst to the outside, a SportsCenter Top 10 Plays stiff-arm and a second gear when they hit the next level of the defense. Is this too much to ask? Maybe, given the unsettled state of New England’s offensive line. Given Brady’s mad skills in play action, a reliable running game could actually make the Patriots’ passing game even more effective, if that’s statistically possible.

The Offensive Line – I’m looking for whoever lines up tonight to walk off the field at the end of the game without a limp.

The Kick Return Game – I’m looking for an upgrade over Danny Woodhead. Somebody on this roster has to be a credible threat to score on a kickoff return and Woodhead just isn’t that guy. I also think he’s too valuable in the no huddle/two minute scenarios to risk on kick returns where he looks like a concussion waiting to happen. Does Donte Stallworth still have the wheels? Could Shane Vereen contribute? Hello? Is this thing on?

The Cornerbacks – I’m looking for Devin McCourty and Ras-I Dowling to build some confidence. I’m looking for Kyle Arrington and Sterling Moore to show some ball skills, too. Lining up against Drew Brees and the aerobatic Saints offense will be a significant challenge for New England’s much mocked and maligned secondary. Well, it’ll be a challenge for one or two series and then I expect New Orleans to put Brees in a baseball cap.

The Front Seven – It seems unlikely we’ll see Brandon Spikes or Jonathan Fanene given their absence from recent practices so I’m looking for Chandler Jones, Kyle Love, Vince Wilfork and Rob Ninkovich with their hands in the dirt and Dont’a Hightower, Dane Fletcher and Jerod Mayo backing them up and I’m looking for them all to get after Drew Brees. I’m looking for Jones and Hightower to make plays of the game-changing variety. I’m also looking forward to my first look at undrafted free agent defensive end Justin Francis who has been mentioned often on the ESPN Boston Patriots’ blog and to see how Bobby Carpenter works into the linebacker mix. And like I’ve been for the last two years, I’m looking for Jermaine Cunningham to make me say, “Hey, who’s that #96? That was a nice play!” Quite a bit of intrigue at the DE position with rookie Jake Bequette and refurbed veteran Trevor Scott also vying for roster spots.

The Tight Ends – I’m looking for Gronkowski and Hernandez to spend as much time on the sidelines as possible. Put another way, I’m looking for Alex Silvestro’s first reception as a pro.

The Safety Net – Free agent pick up Steve Gregory and rookie Tavon Wilson join Patrick Chung at the safety position. Among the theories as to why New England’s cornerbacks struggled last year was poor safety play so I’m looking for Gregory providing some help over the top for Dowling and McCourty. Another theory for the Patriots’ 31^st ranked pass defense was a lack of pressure on the quarterback so I’m also looking for Chung and Wilson blitzing from the safety spot.

The Understudies – I’m looking for Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett to boost their trade value. I don’t see the Patriots picking up a first round pick for either one but after watching Kevin Kolb’s “highlights” from the Hall of Fame Game, I’m wondering what Arizona might offer for Hoyer. This is all contingent on Mallett showing progress, of course. Or not. If it’s Super Bowl or Bust for the Patriots and the unspeakable should happen, do any of us picture Brian Hoyer kissing the Lombardi Trophy? I know we all believe anything is possible with Belichick on the sidelines but we’re talking one in seven figures with Hoyer or Mallett under center so does it really matter which one they keep if they could pick up a third round pick?

Ebert and Ebner – A roster projection on Pats Pulpit had both WR Jeremy Ebert and safety/special teams’ demon Nate Ebner making it to the Practice Squad. I’m not so sure. Generally speaking, I see teams like the Vikings, Buccaneers, Dolphins, Browns Jaguars, Colts and Rams vying for any and all of the players the Patriots cut. I could see Ebner slipping through. Not that many teams can afford a roster spot for a developmental player like the former college rugby star but any of the receiver-needy teams like the Dolphins, Rams or Titans would very likely claim Ebert. Still, I’m looking for Ebert to show up tonight with a tough catch over the middle and for Ebner to show up on kick coverage with a tackle inside the ten.

Thematically Unrelated

I like this song…