Dull Pitchforks and Unlit Torches

The long-awaited Wells Report on the Ideal Gas Law is bound to disappoint, much like other long-awaited events, like Chinese Democracy or the new Paul Blart Mall Cop movie. We wait and we wait and we wait and after a while it doesn’t even matter. Whatever it is, it will never live up to our expectations. I can't even tell you how much I'm dreading that X-Files reboot.

Little Brother, A Play in One Act

Jets: Ha! I can file tampering charges, too! I'm going to file tampering charges every time you say anything! I don't even care if you don't make a forward-looking statement.

Patriots: You know, I might stop treating you like a little brother if you stopped acting like one. A petty, whining little brother. We're actually the same age, you know.

Jets: That's tampering! Tamperiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg! Hey! Stop! Don't stick me in the closet. Again. Oh, man!

Patriots: I'm late for my pedicure. I'll let you out right afterwards. And then I'll kick your ass. Again. Bye now.

Rules for Dummies

The NFL does realize they're admitting Bill Belichick is the smartest guy in the room, don't they?

Rules for Rich People

New York Daily News scribe Manish Mehta's recent "Petty Patriots" post seemed to get the locals post-St. Patrick's day Irish up. I must admit, I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm not sure why I should care what anyone in NYC has to say about the Patriots or their fans. Even as a Patriots' fan I'm loathe to personalize the mewling protestations of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads from everywhere west of the Connecticut river. On the other hand, Mehta's column certainly deserves deconstruction, Fire Joe Morgan-style…

Invinceable

Bill Belichick got rid of the best offensive lineman he ever coached and the Patriots went on to win the Super Bowl.

Now he's gotten rid of the best defensive lineman he ever coached. So, Super Bowl?

Speculating

It seems the good citizens of Patriots Nation have lost their collective shit. Suddenly, the football players on the New England roster – the team that just won the Super Bowl – aren't any good, at least not as good as all the football players on the rosters of the Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins and New York Jets. Those teams have all taken a step up and the Patriots have taken a step down. In case you forgot, they were lucky to win the Super Bowl. They're doomed. Might as well not even show up because why bother? Even the most optimistic of pigskin pundits and bobbleheads believe the Pats will struggle to win the AFC East in 2015. Super Bowl 50? Don't even go there. Don't even. Don't.

The good news? There isn't another franchise in the NFL that plays better with a chip on their shoulder than the New England Patriots.

Jumping to Conclusions on the Dark Side of the Moon

The locals have sounded like that friend of yours who got dumped by that girl he thought was the one but you knew she was way out of his league and it was only a matter of time. Yes, she was beautiful, smart, had good sense of humor but she was kind of expensive, liked going out to expensive restaurants, seeing a show and you know he maxed out two or three credit cards buying her jewelry and perfume and those sunglasses she really liked. Then she dumped him. She was getting back together with her ex. Now he won't shut up about her. He keeps saying stupid shit about how if he'd proposed when he had the chance that they'd be happily ever after.

No.

That was never going to happen. Throw out all those Maroon 5 CDs she made you buy. Get drunk. Throw up. Look into debt consolidation options. I think that girl in accounts receivable is interested. No, she isn't as pretty as that conniving bitch that just kicked you in the nuts but she looks kind of cute and she hates Maroon 5 (I asked).

It's over. Time to move on already.