My pigskin playoff wish list?
Lots of points and no major injuries.
I like to keep it simple.
Hey, chicks aren't the only gender that digs the long ball.
What I'll be trying to manifest this Wild Card Weekend…
Seahawks vs. 49er
After Russell Wilson left for Denver, did anyone pencil Seattle into the playoffs?
Stop it.
You know you didn't.
The Seahawks and the Resurrection of Geno Smith are a great story but as I've noted (yes, too many times) before, this ain't the movies. I suppose 49ers QB Brock Purdy has to turn into a pumpkin at some point. (Or does he?) But it is not this day. The Niners defense is too good and so is Christian McCaffrey.
49ers 37, Seahawks 19
Chargers vs. Jaguars
Yes, my ridiculously petty inner child kind of blames the Chargers weak schedule for them being in the playoffs, and by extension, for the Patriots not being in the playoffs, and yes, I know, the Chargers alone didn't keep the Pats out of the playoffs - mostly the Patriots kept the Patriots out of the playoffs - but this is my inner child we're talking about and he's not a creature of logic or quiet contemplation.
Besides, I can't help thinking how much fun seeing the Jaguars and Doug Pederson face the team that fired his ass after he took them to a Super Bowl win; (in your best Michael Buffer voice) from the City of Brotherly Love, your Philadelphia Eagles!
And yes, that's a little bit too Hollywood for it to happen (but if it does, I'm going to say I called it right here, right now).
Jaguars 43, Chargers 37
Dolphins vs. Bills
A Miami win in Buffalo would be an upset of epic proportions and upsets are always fun.
I just don't think this game is going to be fun.
There's a PETA joke in here somewhere…
A dolphin and a buffalo walk into an oyster bar. Suddenly, the buffalo gores the dolphin, killing it. The bartender rushes over and says, "When I saw you walk in together, I thought you were friends!" And the buffalo says, "Ah! You've clearly fallen victim to a causal fallacy." But the dolphin wasn't quite dead and suddenly flipping his tail, cuts the buffalo's throat. "And you," the Dolphin said with his last dying breath, "have clearly fallen victim to a caudal fatality."
I'll keep working on it.
Bills 51, Dolphins 9
Giants vs. Vikings
Did we expect the Vikings to come out of the NFC North? Anyone?
Do we expect the Vikings to come out of the NFC Bracket only to lose another Super Bowl?
That would be hilarious but no. We do not.
I'll be rooting for the Giants in this one because (a) the Giants of Yelberton Abraham Tittle were the first team I ever rooted for as a pre-school Army brat living in Oneonta, NY, with my Mom and Grandparents while my Dad was stationed overseas, and (b) nobody is left on their roster from the team that broke my heart. Twice.
As for my rooting interests, I think you can find my picture in the dictionary next to "Kiss of Death."
Do not bet on this game. Truly, nobody knows what's going to happen with wild cards (see what I did there) like Kirk Cousins and Daniel Jones involved. Okay, don't bet on the game but a prop bet on total interceptions thrown with the line at 5.5 is hard to pass up. I'd definitely take the over.
Vikings 24, Giants 23
Ravens vs. Bengals
Hmm. Considering the battered roster of the Ravens (and the Dolphins, and the Buccaneers), maybe a 17-game season isn't so good. I mean, we do want to see the best football the NFL has to offer in the playoffs.
This will not be that.
Bengals 49, Ravens 12
Cowboys vs. Buccaneers
Does anyone trust Mike McCarthy in this game? It just feels like a game where McCarthy has used up all his timeouts before the end of the 3rd quarter and it winds up being a critical factor in another early Cowboys playoff exit.
I was going to say "tragic Cowboys playoff exit" and then I realized, I like watching the Cowboys lose.
Comic Cowboys playoff exit?
That works.
On the other hand, this isn't the same Tampa Bay team that won the Super Bowl just a couple of years ago. (Sometimes, restating the obvious is necessary. No, I'm not sure this is one of those times, but, here we are.)
On the other other hand, they do still have Tom Brady.
If you're asking me to bet the very last dollar to my name on this game, I'm taking Brady.
Buccaneers 31, Cowboys 30
Yeah. That would be fun.
Go football!
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