Why Can't I Stop Doing This?

Lisztomania is a pretty good album by a French band you probably never heard of.

Listomania is the worst part of the NFL offseason.

The latest entry in this cynical and unabashed cycle of offseason clickbait that I do not seek out but more often than not gets tossed in my face by fellow Defenders of the Wall is the NFL.com's Top 10 Teams of the Decade.

By now you'd think I'd be smart enough not to take that bait.

What's that you say? You know me and you'd like to assure me that I really am not that smart?

You're telling me this for my own good?

Well. Okay then.

How Long Can You Stand On Everest

Let me ruin my own metaphor by channeling my inner Belichick: You don't stand on Everest, you have to climb it every year.

It only appears the Patriots are standing atop the NFL's Everest. Pigskin persistence of vision.

Captain of America's Game

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Our brains are wired to defend long- and deeply-held beliefs, regardless of objective facts that argue against the crazy thoughts running around in their underwear, shouting and snarling for attention in your cracked and dented cranium. Maybe you believe Guns n Roses is the greatest rock and roll band of all time. It won't matter how many Led Zeppelin records I play for you, providing ample evidence GnR were reductive, derivative hacks who couldn't hold Greta Van Fleet's jock; you're ride or die with Axl and Slash. You'll be buried in your "Appetite for Destruction" t-shirt while they play "November Rain."

But really, people. Tom Brady is a system quarterback? Peyton was better? Montana is the man? 

Can you even hear yourself?

Fan is Short for Fanatic

Ranking NFL fans? This is what we're down to? That and gifs of an uncomfortably happy Bill Belichick.

No offseason. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want to call this, I'll be glad when it's over.

Okay, I guess I get it. Total clickbait. Everyone is going to check where they've been ranked because this one is personal. I don't use "we" when I refer to the Patriots because I'm not on the team. This time, though, it is about me, about us. Patriots Nation.

Tepid Takes

Are we sure there's no offseason?

Maybe Welker vs. Edelman or 2004 Pats vs. 2014 are fun mental exercises in the same way solving the quadratic equation in your head is fun. (It isn't.) Maybe mocking the trolls hasn't gotten old. (It has.) Let's face it. Brady was considered the GOAT after five rings. Now he has six. At this point, calling Tom Brady the GOAT is actually a tepid take. Who clicks a link like "Brady's the Best" (or some variation on that theme) other than Patriots fans? You know what kind of link will get clicks from fans from all fan bases?

Anything featuring the words "Brady" and "cliff."

You Know Me

You know who I am. I'm the New England Patriots. 

Y'all know me.

Optimistic

Was it just a few weeks ago that we all thought the Patriots Dynasty was ending, right before our very eyes? Trey Flowers and Trent Brown lost to free agency along with key contributors to their 6th Super Bowl win like Duane Allen and Cordarrelle Patterson. Gronk retired. Brian Flores and half the New England coaching staff took their talents to South Beach.

Now? There are plenty of reasons to feel good about the upcoming 2019 season.