Quiz Show

"I've got a question for you," Bob said.

"Okay," Tim said.

"Let's hear it," James said.

"I'm just wondering if there's a right answer to this question," Bob said. "Elena and I will be watching TV, maybe a movie, and there's a beautiful, young woman in the scene and she is quite objectively beautiful, it isn't even debatable, and Elena will ask me, 'Do you think she's pretty?'"

"Uh oh," Tim said. 

"It's the Kobayashi Maru relationship scenario," James said.

"I know, right?" Bob said. "So, what do you say?"

"I say," James said, "she's too thin for me."

Tim laughed.

"Brilliant," Bob said. "You don't mind if I steal that, do you?"

"Happy to help," James said. "But I have to warn you, it works for me because they usually are too thin for me. Sir Mix-A-Lot is my spirit animal. For you, maybe go with 'Her boobs are too big for me.' Just try to keep it light, make a joke out of it."

"That might work for you," Bob said, "but I am famously terrible at telling a joke."

"Maybe Elena wanted to Netflix but she just didn't want to chill," Tim said. "So she picked a fight."

"Or maybe she was projecting," James said.

"Projecting?" Bob asks.

"She has feelings for somebody else and she feels guilty about it," James said.

"Where did that come from?" Tim asked.

James shrugged. "Simple risk analysis, really. Likelihood and impact. Granted, this is based on partial information so some assumptions were made. And it isn't the only possibility, given the level of uncertainty involved, but I'd say the likelihood is somewhere in the medium-to-low range and the impact in the high-to-critical range."

"I don't think you're making it better," Tim said.

"I wasn't trying to make it better," James said. "I work in IT, remember? I'm here to tell you your project is going to fail unless you give me more money, resources, and time. And then it's going to fail."

The three men  were having lunch at the Panera near their Portsmouth office. Bob was the business lead for their development team. He was short, smart, ambitious - already a Senior VP in just his sixth year at Freedom Assurance - but also easy to anger, especially when the topics were his height or his thinning hair. Tim was his lieutenant on the business side. He looked too much like a young Kevin Costner for it not to have become a running joke with Bob. James was the tech lead for the IT side of the team. He was distinctly average, with the pale skin and sensitive eyes of a man who rarely went outside in the daylight, and the desperate, trying-too-hard haircut of a man who spent way too much time on Tinder.

Bob and Tim were best friends and James felt grateful to be invited to lunch, even if it was as a "work friend," of which he had few. He had few friends in general. Bob and Tim had vacationed together, leveraging Elena's fluent Spanish on trips to the Dominican and Puerto Rico; trips that had become something of an annual event for the two couples. 

"Look, Bob," Tim said. "Ignore him. You're just overthinking this."

"Bob? Overthinking?" James said.

"I know," Tim said. "Right?"

"Thinking is not a bad thing," Bob grumbled.

"Who was it?" James asked.

"What?" Bob asked.

"Who was the woman in question?" James asked. "You know, the objectively beautiful one."

"Is that important?" Bob asked.

"It might be," James said. 

Bob paused. "Margot Robbie," he said.

"Oh, murder," Tim said. "Wait! Your petite brunette wife asks you if you find the leggy blonde attractive and you don't say, 'she's not my type'?"

"Or, maybe, she's too tall for me?" James offered with a smirk. Noting Bob's dark look, he added, "Well, I don't think 'her boobs are too big' is going to work in this case."

"Bold talk from someone 5' 10" tall," Bob said.

"How was the Barbie movie?" James asked, not sure what he could say to lighten the mood.

"I'm not sure," Bob said. "We didn't finish it."

"Ouch," Tim said. "But maybe I was right about Elena simply not wanting to chill."

"I don't know," James said. "Sounds like it got pretty chilly to me."

"Just tell the truth," Tim said. "If the woman in the movie is beautiful, say she is. You think Elena is beautiful, so, what? There can't be more than one beautiful woman in the world? Don't make a big deal out of it."

"I tried that," Bob said. "It did not work. And I'm still hearing about it."

"Yeah. Big mistake," James said. "Never tell the truth."

"I know you're not married," Bob said, "but have you ever been married?"

"Never tell the truth?" Tim asked. "You're kidding, right? Isn’t the truth kind of important in IT?"

“In the virtual world, yes,” James said. “In the virtual world a lie - an error in logic as an analog to a lie - can kill you. In the virtual sense, of course. In the real world, it’s the truth that will kill you. Every time. D. E. D. Dead. Sometimes literally. I'm not kidding. Never tell the truth. And never admit you were lying, even when you get caught."

"Again, that may work for you, but I am also a terrible liar," Bob said. "I've been avoiding watching anything with Elena for almost a week now, because Hollywood has a nearly inexhaustible supply of young, beautiful, barely clothed women and I'm sure one of them is a pop quiz just waiting for me. I've even been working late and you know how much I hate to do that. Why do you think I'm asking for your advice?"

"Because you're looking for someone to blame for your relationship issues other than yourself and will use whatever advice we give you as the causal reason for your disintegrating marriage and inevitable divorce?" James asked. 

Bob hesitated. "Maybe."

"Besides," Tim said, "you work late because you want executive VP and you're just making sure Mr. Kelly sees you before he leaves and he always works late."

"It is," Bob sighed, "a losing battle."

"Indeed," James said, "Think of it this way. Life is just a long-running quiz show that nobody ever wins."

"Ridiculous," Tim said. "Everyone knows life is like a box of chocolates."

"Your lips say ridiculous," James said. "But your eyes say you know I'm right."

"Really?" Tim said, leaning forward. "And what are my eyes saying now?"

"Hmm," James said. "I'll take, His Eyes Say Fuck You for $500."

"Lucky guess," Tim said. "I thought you said nobody ever wins?"

"I guess I shouldn't have said nobody ever wins," James said. "I should've said that eventually everyone loses."

"But if someone loses," Tim said, "doesn't that mean that somebody else won?"

"Until they lose," James said. "My Dad told me that back in the day on Jeopardy, like way back, before Trebek, the losers would get a set of Samsonite luggage. Literal baggage you could carry around signifying your loss, as broadcast on national television." James said. "You're telling me that isn't like real life?"

"Luggage?" Tim asked. "Really?"

James nodded. "At least Bob would have something to pack up his belongings in when Elena kicks him out after catching him masturbating to the Barbie movie."

"That's supposed to make Bob feel better?" Tim asked.

James shrugged. "The pressure's off. He can't win." He smiled. "Unless you can reprogram your life to beat the Kobayashi Maru relationship scenario."

"Look, Bob. If Elena was testing you," Tim said, "then it probably wasn't your powers of observation she was questioning. She doesn't want to know if you think that woman is pretty, she wants to know if you still think she's pretty." He paused. "Everything okay with you two?"

"Yeah," Bob said. "Sure."

"Okay," Tim said. "I'll accept your statement as fact, ignoring the less than confident tone of your voice." 

"I wouldn't," James said.

"But I will note," Tim said, "that if Elena isn't as sure about things as you are, working late may not be reassuring her that you would not sleep with Margot Robbie if you had the chance."

"Kobayashi Maru," James said.

*****

It isn't a gated community, James thought, as he pulled his car up to the curb in front of Bob's house, but it might as well be. The call had surprised him, but not nearly as much as the sight of Bob standing at the end of his driveway, surrounded by luggage.

James got out of his car and walked over to Bob and said with what he hoped was a consoling smile, "I see you lost."

"What?" Bob asked, with a look on his face that seemed to indicate that James was speaking to him in a foreign language.

James made a gesture at the suitcases arrayed beside and behind Bob. "The complimentary luggage. The game show of life consolation prize."

"Oh," Bob said. "Yeah. Actual baggage I can bring with me from this failed relationship to the next. A bit sad that my life could fit into a single set of luggage, but well, there it is."

"Sorry, man," James said. 

"Thanks," Bob said. "And thanks for the ride."

"Sure," James said. "No problem."

They stood quietly for a moment. Bob sensed that this wasn't just an ending but also the first step toward a new and somehow terrifying beginning to the rest of his life.

"Do you think it will all fit in your car?" Bob asked.

"Do you want it to?" James asked. He saw the Subaru Outback in the driveway. He looked back at Bob. "I wondered why you didn't call Tim. I mean, I figured you did and for whatever reason he couldn't give you a ride -"

"For whatever reason," Bob said. 

"It's funny," James began.

"Is it?" Bob demanded.

"No," James said. "I didn't mean funny ha ha."

"What did you mean?" Bob asked.

"I mean," James said, "Elena, and Tim's wife Teri look like they could be sisters."

"Still not finding the funny," Bob said. 

"Yeah, sorry," James said. "I'm not really sure where I was going with that but it really was my intention to make you feel better though, yeah, still not sure where I was going with that."

They were quiet again. Bob felt the future rising in front of him, surrounding him, ready to take him, but this time, it felt a bit less terrifying. Exciting? Bob wondered. No, he thought, still more scary than exciting. 

"You know what," Bob said. "Let's just leave these here."

"All right," James said. "Where to?"

"I booked a room at the Portsmouth Hilton," Bob said. He smiled weakly. "As good a place as any to start the rest of my life, I guess."

"I've always found The Thirsty Moose to be a great place to start a new chapter in my life," James said. 

"It's a little early to start drinking, isn't it?" Bob said.

"Is it?" James said.

Bob smiled. "Maybe you're right," he said. "Hey, hang on a sec, okay?"

"Sure," James said, but Bob had already started up the driveway to the garage. 

After a few minutes, he emerged with a gallon can of gasoline. He then poured it all over his luggage, and as he was emptying the can said to James, "Start the car."