Pigskins Without a Parachute

You ever have that feeling like you just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute? Like you're falling, plummeting, accelerating to terminal velocity and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it but watch?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2023 New England Patriots.

Intellectually, I knew this was how it would be in the post-Brady pigskin universe. That, unfortunately, has actually done little to help me deal with the terrible reality of it. It doesn't help that New England decided not to rip off the band-aid and take the short term pain up front. Instead, they decided that instead of rebuilding, they would reload. And shoot themselves in the foot. And then the other foot.

As bad as it has been, it appears that it can get even worse.

The Patriots are 1-5-0 (two full games behind the Jets!), with their next two games against the 4-2-0 Bills and the 5-1-0 Dolphins. New England will not win either of those games. Not because upsets don't happen in the NFL (I'm looking at you San Francisco 49ers and you, Philadelphia Eagles), but because the Patriots are a really, really, really bad football team. 

But you knew that.

They do all the things bad football teams do. When the QB actually gets a pass downfield to an open receiver, it's dropped. When the offense makes an explosive play, it blows up in their face, with a holding penalty wiping out a TD. They commit pre-snap penalties at an unsustainable rate. Every turning point breaks for their opponent.

In short, they beat themselves.

Yes, the Carolina Panthers are 0-6-0 but aren't they starting a rookie QB as they begin their latest rebuild? 

Yes, there are a number of other 1-5-0 teams in the league but only the Giants have a worse point differential. 

At best, the Pats may be the 3rd worst team in the league.

Numbers, and the standings, don't lie.

I was in favor of the Pats holding a fire sale two weeks ago and nothing I've seen since then has changed my mind. 

Trade anyone. 

Trade everyone. 

Tank. Tankity, tankity, tank!

Kraft will have to fire Bill Belichick for that to happen, of course. First, it isn't in his DNA to tank and second, he's chasing records. I'm not sure Kraft is as ready to embrace the chaos as I am, though. Come give me a big old hug you hurly-burly maelstrom of pigskin madness!

Give me Malik Cunningham at QB and let's see some of the old razzle-dazzle on the gridiron. As swiss-cheesey as the Pats offensive line is, a more mobile - dare I say athletic? - quarterback would seem to make more sense than a cardboard standee type of QB. A mobile QB also might be able to give the Patriots wide receivers the extra 3 to 10 seconds they appear to need to get open. 

Ba-da-bing!

Yeah. I'm grasping at straws here.

The Patriots are lacking in talent, but they're also decimated by injury. Judon and Gonzalez are on IR and Uche is playing on a bum knee. They started two rookie guards and a guy at right tackle who was somebody else's trash in the Vegas game. 

Are there even any parts to sell off? Even if there were, would the Patriots playing even worse make me feel any better? 

I suppose there isn't much of a choice, really. Not for me, anyway, and certainly not for Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Yeah, the ride is scary and I might have a heart attack and I'm probably (definitely) going to throw up but you know what? 

It will end.

We're on to 2024!