James surveyed the salvage operation, now nearly complete. The sum of his twenty-six years had been packed in a large suitcase, a garment bag, and four cardboard boxes, which were stacked neatly on the floor, ready to be shipped to his new place in Wisconsin. His flight to Madison from Manchester left at 6:05pm. If anything, he was ahead of schedule. He realized, much to his surprise, that he felt good; not quite happy, but good. He would travel the road not taken, after all.
"Kind of sad your whole life fits in four cardboard boxes," his sister Lauren said. She had come over to his apartment nominally to help him pack, but had spent the day trying to talk her brother out of leaving. Leaving family and friends. Leaving New Hampshire. Leaving Kate.
"Well," James said. "I'm not taking any memories with me. Keeps the overhead low."
"You can't leave your memories behind," Lauren said.
James smiled. "Vodka begs to differ on that point."
"Besides, memories don't weigh anything," Lauren said.
"Vodka begs to differ on that point, too," James said, resignation seeping into his voice. He had struggled to bear the crushing weight of his memories of the last ten months, of Kate; but he knew his sister was right. He'd never been any good at holding a grudge and he knew someday he'd forgive her but he also knew he would not - he could not - forget. He considered the open box on the table in front of him. He had scrawled TRASH in black marker on all four sides. "Maybe you can't leave your memories behind, but you can leave behind the Tchotchkes of Forever, so those memories are never triggered again," James said.
"The Tchotchkes of Forever." Lauren said. "That would make a great name for a band."
He rummaged around in the TRASH box and picked up the large, grapefruit-sized snow globe, a gift from Kate on their first - and as it turned out, what would be their last - Christmas together. He shook the plastic globe and instead of snowflakes, tiny biplanes flew around the cartoonish figure of King Kong, who clung defiantly to the radio tower atop the Empire State Building. Yes, this was a good memory, but it led inexorably to the unhappy ending of the movie. He watched as the tiny planes dropped out of their liquid sky, leaving Kong still unvanquished. Maybe that's where the movie should've ended, he thought. Fade to black before Kong's lovelorn heart is smashed to pieces on the pavement below. He put the snowglobe back in the box and picked up the wrinkled, smudged napkin. He smoothed it out and read again what he had written almost a year ago. Ten months, one week, and a day to be exact…
SCENE: Day. Exterior. Wallis Sands Park: A playground area with swings and monkey bars, and a sandy rectangle where a casual volleyball game is being played. A group of five is throwing a frisbee around. There is a grassy area with picnic tables near a building with bathrooms and showers, where the temporary kitchen and the kegs have been set up. There is a clear sky and an expansive ocean view for the Portsmouth employees of Liberty Mutual Insurance enjoying their summer outing.
KATE, a twenty-seven year old woman with short cut, thick red hair, dressed in high-end casual clothes, is seated alone at one of the picnic tables, a red plastic cup and a plate with a chicken lobster, an ear of corn and coleslaw on the table in front of her. She is checking her phone as she eats. JAMES, a twenty-five year old man with few distinguishing features other than longish brown hair in need of a haircut, wearing a Bruins cap and a St. Anselm's t-shirt, approaches with his plate of food in one hand and a red plastic cup in the other.
JAMES: Mind if I sit here?
KATE: Not at all.
JAMES: [sits] Hi. I'm James.
KATE: Oh, you're going to talk, too?
JAMES mimes zipping his lip, locking his mouth and throwing away the key.
KATE: Are you okay?
JAMES shakes his head "no" and smiles.
KATE: I'm sorry. So what, exactly, is wrong with you?
JAMES takes out a pen, pulls a napkin from the dispenser on the picnic table, writes on it and hands it to KATE.
KATE: [reading aloud, suppressing a smile] "A beautiful woman has stolen my voice and my heart." [nodding, she hands the napkin back to JAMES] Is that supposed to be funny?
JAMES: [taking back the napkin, managing a smile] I… Apparently not. [he wads up the napkin and puts it on his plate, picking up his plate and cup and standing to leave] Sorry to bother you.
KATE: That's it?
JAMES: That's it.
JAMES walks over to another picnic table and sits, joining his best friend and roommate, ERIC, the paragon of blue-eyed, handsome men, dressed in classic, and expensive, business casual clothes.
ERIC: That was tough to watch, bro.
JAMES: Trust me. It was harder living it.
ERIC: I mean, I see why you were willing to risk capture, torture, and almost certain death, but you didn't really give her much of a chance.
JAMES: Yeah. I choked. Just went up. Total blank. Traumatic blindness. Words had no meaning. I lost the facility for language. I think there may have been a twister. Either that or I'd suddenly forgotten how to breathe.
ERIC: [looking over at KATE then back to JAMES] You know, I never believed in love at first sight until this very moment. You have got it bad for that girl, my friend.
JAMES: [shrugs] She's out of my league, anyway.
ERIC: The women who are in your league are what those of us in data science like to call a statistically insignificant number. [when JAMES doesn't react] Hey, come on, man, maybe you whiffed when you got called up from AA ball, but you went down swinging. I respect that.
JAMES: [not really listening to ERIC] She didn't find my, well, apparently pathetic attempt at humor amusing. [shrugs] It never would've worked out. She doesn't think I'm funny.
ERIC: No one thinks you're funny.
JAMES: Everyone knows I'm funny. You're the good-looking one and I'm the comic relief.
ERIC: You're only half right about that.
JAMES: I'm also the smart one.
ERIC: Now you're half wrong.
JAMES: [with a sideways look at ERIC] I think you need to check your math. [sighs] There's someone out there who thinks I'm funny. [looking over at KATE] Someone kind, and smart, and brave, and beautiful, with a great sense of humor, who shares my love for Italian cuisine. And we will live happily ever after.
ERIC: Nobody lives happily ever after, James.
JAMES: You're probably right but [breaking his wistful gaze in Kate's direction] I guess I just don't want to believe that.
ERIC: I'm getting another beer. [pulling out a reel of little red paper tokens] They probably shouldn't have put me in charge of the drink tickets. You want a beer? Silly question. Of course you do. You don't just want one; you need one. I'll be right back.
JAMES: Thanks.
ERIC heads off to the kitchen/keg area. After a moment, KATE picks up her plate and drink and walks over to the table where JAMES is sitting.
KATE: Mind if I sit here?
JAMES: [surprised, momentarily lost for words] Not at all.
KATE: [after she sits] Hi. I'm Kate. And don't tell me you didn't know I'd be continuing the conversation.
JAMES: [after a pause, smiling] It's nice to meet you, Kate. I'm James.
KATE: I'm curious James. Why'd you try to pick me up when you're obviously so bad at it?
JAMES: Oh! You thought I was trying to pick you up? [manages an obviously fake laugh] I'm so sorry! I mean, I see it now that you say it but, you see, I'm on the hospitality committee and -
KATE: The hospitality committee?
JAMES: Right. Yes. The hospitality committee. [gesturing at the festivities in progress around them] For the summer outing. And one of my responsibilities today is to check in with folks. Just to make sure everyone is having a good time. Of course, we'll still be putting out a survey after the event looking for feedback on what we can do better next summer -
KATE: You are just terrible at this, aren't you?
JAMES: So… You aren't having a good time?
KATE: I don't know yet.
JAMES: If there's anything I can do…
KATE: I do have another question.
JAMES: I'll do my best.
KATE: Why me? And you can drop the hospitality committee bullshit. You're a terrible liar. I recommend you answer my question in an honest and forthright manner.
JAMES: Honesty, huh? [pauses] Okay. [takes a deep breath and lets it out] You're beautiful.
KATE: You said that in the note.
JAMES: It bears repeating.
KATE: [breaking eye contact with James] I saw your stand up at the last quarterly town hall.
JAMES: Oh, right. My fifteen minutes of fame.
KATE: You did a good job with the presentation. I think I got most of it, even though it was pretty technical. Not everyone can explain complex subjects in a way that's easy to understand. Without being condescending.
JAMES: [unsure where KATE is going] Thanks.
KATE: Seems pretty obvious the management team loves you.
JAMES: I wouldn't say -
KATE: After the meeting, you looked like a rock star with a crowd of Brooks Brothers suit-wearing groupies trying to get a selfie with Justin Bieber.
JAMES: Ouch. I couldn't be Harry Styles?
KATE: No. I didn't get that joke, though. I mean, I think it must have been a joke based on the groans from the crowd.
JAMES: [smiling] You mean, three software engineers walk into a bar and ask for a table for 11? And the bartender says, "You know this bar isn't binary!" You don't get it? I mean, it isn't a great joke, I suppose. It's really a bad joke on purpose. That's kind of what makes it funny.
KATE: The bar isn't binary. So, is it a gay bar? Is that supposed to make it funny? You're not -
JAMES: No! No, no, no. Wow. Okay. Now that you say that I don't think I'll ever tell that joke again.
KATE: Why a table for 11? Seems kind of random. Is the number 11 inherently funny in some way I'm unfamiliar with?
JAMES: [pauses briefly] You don't work in the IT group, do you?
KATE: I'm in Legal. Contracts. M&A.
JAMES: [nods] Three, in binary code is represented as one one. It looks like eleven.
KATE: [nodding] Hence, the groans from your co-workers.
JAMES: Yes.
KATE: It's a pun. Only with numbers.
JAMES: Yes! Right. Exactly. So. You're a lawyer. Impressive.
KATE: Impressive? Not the response I usually get.
JAMES: I think you're very impressive.
KATE: [suppressing a smile, nodding at the napkin dispenser] I don't suppose you could grab me a napkin?
JAMES: [handing her the napkin he had written on earlier] Here you go.
KATE: [after taking and re-reading the napkin] You want to have sex with me.
JAMES: [nervously, his voice cracking] No!
KATE: [looking at him sideways, with a smile] It wasn't a question. It's a statement of fact. And you promised to respond in an honest and forthright manner.
JAMES: [nods] I don't think I promised, but okay. [forcing a smile] Yes. But I was thinking we might start with dinner and a movie on our first date, our first kiss, followed by a day trip to the beach and some fried dough on our second date before we get to the third date and sex.
KATE: I see. So you're a romantic.
JAMES: You aren't?
KATE: I'm a lawyer. [after a pause] So what would we do on the third date? Before sex, I mean.
JAMES: I'll cook for you. A bottle of Sangiovese. Bruschetta for an appetizer. Eggplant parmesan. Linguine. Marinara. Tiramisu from Ceres Street for dessert.
KATE: Are you that good of a cook? That I'd have sex with you?
JAMES notices ERIC, who is standing a good distance away; he raises one of the red plastic cups in a mock toast to JAMES.
JAMES: [smiles] I've been told that my eggplant parmesan is very good. Really, really good. Restaurant-quality good. But I'm betting heavily on the tiramisu from Ceres Street for my, uh, closing argument. You know, the Music Hall has a double feature tonight. The classic original King Kong with the obvious cash grab sequel, Son of Kong. There's a brewpub nearby that has a great pizza. Fried pickles. Craft beer. We could grab something to eat before the movies.
KATE: Tonight? You don't think I have plans?
JAMES: Sorry, I didn't think. You have a boyfriend, of course.
KATE: So you think I'm the kind of girl who would cheat on her boyfriend?
JAMES: No, of course not, I mean… I don't know what I mean, to be honest.
KATE: I don't have a boyfriend. I wouldn't have come over here to talk to you if I did.
JAMES: Okay.
KATE: Okay.
JAMES: [after a pause]. Well, there's an open mic slam poetry reading at the Gaslight Pub this Saturday - if you're not busy. Followed by a long walk on the beach?
KATE: That sounds terrible!
JAMES: It does, doesn't it? [after a pause] We could stop at the store and pick up what I need to make dinner on the way back to my place and skip straight to the third date.
KATE: Or… We could skip dinner and just have sex.
James dropped the napkin back in the TRASH box. "I know this is the kind of thing people say at times like this, but maybe this will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me," he said, in a thinly veiled attempt to convince himself it was true.
"Or - just hear me out, now - you're making the single biggest mistake of your life," Lauren said.
"The Coin of Life in a nutshell," James said.
"The Coin of Life? Is that a thing? Like from one of your old movies?" Lauren said.
"No," James said. "At least, I don't think it is. Maybe. Sounds kind of like Edgar Rice Burroughs, doesn't it? The subconscious is a wacky and mysterious place."
"Well, whatever the case, I think your Coin of Life is coming up tails," Lauren said. "You know, assuming tails is the single biggest mistake of your life! I know you still love her."
For the most part, James had not let himself think about it. He had believed that love always forgives but he just couldn't get past this. Still, when he did allow himself to think about it he knew his sister was right; he still loved Kate. Maybe he always would. He shrugged.
"You can't deny it, can you?" Lauren asked. "So why Wisconsin, then?"
"I've been out to the Wausau campus, working on projects a couple of times over the last year, year and a half. It's a good team, good people. There was a project manager position open. And you know how I love the cheese," James said.
"Don't be a jackass," Lauren said.
"Just a little joke," James said.
"Was it, though?" Lauren asked.
"I thought it was pretty gouda," James said. Lauren frowned in response. He took a breath. "Blast radius."
"Blast radius?" Lauren asked.
"That's how much it hurt," James said. "All the way to Wisconsin."
"You need to grow up. You're acting like you're still in high school," Lauren said.
"Yeah?" James said, "Well, you're acting like you're still in middle school."
"I was wrong,' Lauren said. "You're not acting like you're in high school. You're acting like you're still in third grade!"
"I'm not acting," James said and stuck out his tongue, finally drawing a smile from Lauren. "Look, I appreciate your concerns, sis, I do, but you don't need to worry about me. I'll find someone else. Eventually."
"Whoever she is," Lauren said, "I feel sorry for her."
"Why?" James asked.
"Because she won't be Kate," Lauren said. "Whoever this woman is, she may love you, she may marry you, she may give you children, but she won't be Kate. You'll have the house, the mortgage, the kids, the sensible car, college funds, a riding lawn mower for the summer and a snow blower for those Wisconsin winters, but you won't have Kate. She'll never be Kate, and you will grow to resent her for that, and one day you'll snap and you'll say something unspeakably cruel and intentionally hurtful, hoping you can make her hate you and leave you but she won't and she doesn't, because she loves you, despite all the pain, suffering, and heartache."
"I feel like my whole life just flashed before my eyes," James said, "and it kind of sucked."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Lauren fairly shouted at James.
"And what makes you think I want to have kids?" James asked.
"You should have kids," Lauren said. "You're going to be a great dad someday."
James blinked in surprise. "What was that?" he asked. "Did you just say something nice to me?"
"Babies always smile at you," Lauren said. "They can sense your tender heart."
"Maybe they think I'm funny looking," James said.
They were quiet for a moment.
"Can we please talk seriously about this?" Lauren asked. "About you? About Kate?"
"You promised," James said.
"I know I promised," Lauren said, "but I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't try one more time to make you see you're throwing away a great life. Kate is a great girl. She made a mistake. So, she's not perfect. Nobody is!" And then, after a pause, "It can happen to anyone. I should know."
"Look, I get that I'm not the first man whose girlfriend slept with his best friend. Maybe it falls short of being a cliche but I'm sure it's happened N+1 times before, where N is a number far greater than zero. And I'm sure many of those couples reconciled and lived semi-happily ever after all the way up until the divorce papers were served but - wait! It could happen to anyone? I should know?" James asked. "What do you mean,you should know?"
"I just meant that, well, okay," Lauren said, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "I hooked up with Eric a few times. It ended about a month ago."
"You dated Eric?" James asked.
"Well, dated is probably not what I'd call it," Lauren said.
"What would you call it?" James asked.
Lauren shrugged. "Sex."
"Sex," James said.
"Just sex," Lauren said.
"Just sex," James said, thinking that it was never just sex.
Lauren nodded. "It was just sex, James."
"We're not talking about you and Eric now, are we?"James asked.
"I'm just saying it isn't always about love," Lauren said.
"It is for me," James said, suddenly saddened by his impromptu but ineluctable self-assessment. It's no good being a hopeless romantic when you're not the star of the movie, he thought.
Lauren smiled. "Oh, Jimmy," she said. "You're such a little girl sometimes."
"You know I hate it when you call me Jimmy," James said.
"But you don't mind me calling you a little girl?" Lauren asked.
"No," James said evenly. "Because you meant that as a compliment."
"I did not mean that as a compliment," Lauren said.
"It was definitely a compliment," James said.
Lauren nodded. "You know it's not like Kate was a virgin when you two met," she said.
"Why would I think she was? And what does that have to do with any of this? Whatever Kate did and whoever she did it with before we met is and remains none of my business," James said. "It had nothing to do with me. Obviously. How could it? But this… wasn't that."
"She made a mistake," Lauren said.
"You said that already," James said.
"People make mistakes. You know this is probably Eric's fault." She paused, seeming to think hard about what she said next. "Eric may look like the Lost Hemsworth Brother but he's, well, you know, he's not really much more than that."
"And you slept with him," James said.
"That's not why I slept with him," Lauren said, with the hint of a smile. She paused. "And he's your best friend. Since what? Third grade?"
"As you said," James said. "People make mistakes. In this case, I was eight-years old. Cut me a little slack."
She was quiet for a moment. "I know Kate loves you. I've seen the way she looks at you."
"Yes," James said, "but have you seen the way she looks at Eric?"
James thought he could see his sister's face flush and tears well up in her eyes. He wasn't sure if this was anger or sadness. "I'm not bitter," he tried to explain, though he still very much was. "See, I can even make a joke about it now. Okay?"
She sniffed and said, "I really never understood why you two were friends."
It felt like an accusation. Was this supposed to be my fault? James thought.
They'd all known each other since they were kids… for forever, really. The three of them had been tight up until middle school. He and Eric remained friends but Lauren moved on from childish things years before they did. Then college took them all in different directions. For a time. They were all New Englanders and townies at heart. He and Eric reconnected after college and both had been recruited by Liberty. Sharing an apartment seemed like a very good idea at the time. They had run into Lauren back in February, at the grocery store…
SCENE: Day. Interior. Market Basket Grocery Store, Aisle 5: Cereal, Juice, Bottled Water. JAMES and ERIC, two twenty-something professionals who are sharing an apartment until they make it big in the not so big city of Portsmouth, NH, are checking out the selection of Chex cereals. While JAMES is every bit the unathletic everyman, ERIC is a literal paragon of masculine traits; tall, broad-shouldered, narrow at the waist, his tight t-shirt accentuating his muscular frame, with the blue eyes and chiseled cheekbones of a movie star.
JAMES: Let's just get the family-sized Rice Chex.
ERIC: What if I decide I don't like Rice Chex any more halfway through the box.
JAMES: You have serious commitment issues; you know that, right? Look, if you decide you don't like Rice Chex halfway through the box, I will eat the rest all by myself.
ERIC: You'd do that for me?
JAMES: Seriously, what is your problem?
ERIC: We're not a family.
JAMES: Oh, that.
ERIC: And I'm tired of being mistaken for one. I just can't take another knowing wink from our ally at the cash register today.
JAMES: Aw. She just wants us to be happy.
ERIC: Very funny. Ha, ha. Look. I get it. When you're as good looking as I am and as fashion forward as I am, it's going to happen. People are going to look at us and say -
JAMES: What is that gorgeous man doing with that misshapen little troll?
ERIC: Exactly.
JAMES: Okay, I'm not really sure why you're offended by that.
LAUREN, just two-years older than her brother James, with girl next door, mom and apple pie good looks, approaches with a handbasket half full of gluten-free mac n cheese mixes and individual-sized frozen, cauliflower-crust pizzas.
LAUREN: Still haven't given up the Rice Chex, I see.
JAMES [with a big smile for his sister]: Still gluten free!
ERIC: Hello. I'm Eric.
JAMES: She knows who you are. It's Lauren. You've known her since 3rd grade.
ERIC: Well, clearly, you're not in 3rd grade, any more.
LAUREN [with a smile, holding eye contact with Eric]: So, Eric, when did you turn into such a player?
"Wait, wait, wait," Lauren said. "I did not call Eric a player."
James smiled and waited.
"Okay," Lauren said. "Maybe I called him a player. People say stupid stuff when they're flirting."
"I probably shouldn't have been surprised to find out you slept with Eric. I mean, he could probably make six figures as an Internet underwear influencer. As in influencing women to remove their underwear. I am kind of surprised you both were able to keep it a secret from me, though. I don't know why - wait… Was I supposed to say, I'll kill that son of a bitch! when you told me about you and Eric?"
"No," Lauren answered, smiling a bit. "Yes." She sniffed again and blinked back a tear. "Like that could even happen. I probably saved your life by not telling you. Like I said. I should know, and I know this is all Eric's fault and I think you do, too. You shouldn't blame Kate."
James wasn't sure what to say. How could it be all Eric's fault? It was at least partly Kate's fault, wasn't it? Yes, he had wanted to punch Eric in the face then, and now he wanted to punch him in the face again. It seemed obvious he'd hurt his sister somehow and that's what brothers do, isn't it? Of course, Lauren was right; it would only end badly for him. Eric had the size, reach, and athleticism advantages that would've ended the fight quickly and decisively. For some reason, picturing himself beaten to a bloody pulp brought a smile of recognition to his face. It was kind of what Kate had done to him, after all.
"Kate loves you," Lauren said.
"Love," James said. "You know, King Kong's cage wasn't made of steel bars. His heart was taken and held prisoner by Ann Darrow."
"Who?" Lauren asked.
"Ann Darrow. The character played by Fay Wray."
Lauren shook her head. "You watch way too many movies."
"Naomi Watts?" James offered. "The Peter Jackson remake?"
"Okay," Lauren said. "Naomi Watts. So?"
"Twas beauty killed the beast," James said. "After Kong fell in love with Ann Darrow, he was doomed, as was his love for her. I mean, there's the whole interspecies thing, of course. And, um, the size differential. Size does matter but let's not be ridiculous. Every relationship has its challenges, of course, but some challenges are, well, forty feet tall. Kong loved Ann Darrow but they could never be together. It was never meant to be. Just like Kate and I weren't meant to be. And I'd really rather not plunge to my death from the top of the Empire State Building just to validate my feelings."
"If tortured metaphors could scream, I think that one might've pierced my eardrums," Lauren said.
James smiled and nodded. "Okay." He sighed. "Look. I've had a lot of me time recently, and in thinking about things over the last two weeks, I've realized that it's actually easier to live with this, if it wasn't just some random, meaningless, if magical -"
"Wait!" Lauren interrupted. "Come on. How do you know it was magical?"
"I found them naked in bed," James said.
"They had sex," Lauren said. "I think it's generally considered clothing optional."
"They had sex that was so good, so magical, so… satisfying, that they just fell asleep," James said.
"So?" Lauren asked.
"So that never happened in all the time that Kate and I were together. She always put on some clothes after, you know, like a big t-shirt as pajamas or something like that," James said.
"You didn't make her wear your Tom Brady jersey, did you?" Lauren asked.
"No," James said, "I didn't make her wear it. But I think we're off topic here. My point is that it was never so good, so magical, so satisfying that Kate just fell asleep after we made love."
"Not once?" Lauren asked.
"You do know the definition of the word 'never', don't you?" James asked.
"Sorry," Lauren said.
"Look, whether it was some magical flight on gossamer wings or just a night of sweaty sex for Kate with a man who is significantly taller and much, much better looking than me -"
"Don't be so hard on yourself," Lauren interrupted. "Eric isn't much, much better looking than you."
"Just much? Not much, much?" James asked.
"You can still be such a brat sometimes," Lauren said.
"Anyway," James continued, "Instead of some sordid, dark end of the street sexual affair, I'd rather think this was the beginning of Kate's one true love story. As it turns out, I'm not the star of this particular rom-com, after all. I'm the slightly above average but boring boyfriend who gets dumped in Act 2 so the girl can find true romance and happiness with a much taller, much, much better looking man in Act 3."
"Real life is not a movie," Lauren said. "And you still love Kate, no matter how much you try to rationalize it."
"Maybe it is just rationalization but I'd rather believe that Kate loved Eric than believe she could treat me so casually," James said.
"She loves you," Lauren said. "And you love her."
"I don't think she does," James said.
"She does," Lauren said.
"As I said. Kate and I were never meant to be," James said. "For one thing, she doesn't like my eggplant parmesan."
"She likes your eggplant parm just fine," Lauren said.
"Exactly," James said. "Just fine. My eggplant parm is not 'just fine.' My eggplant parm is to die for."
Lauren nodded. "It is pretty good."
"And for another thing, she never laughs at any of my jokes," James said.
"Because you're not funny," Lauren said, with just the hint of anger. "Have you ever thought that constantly saying you’re funny makes everything unfunny? Like it sets an expectation you just can't meet. You say you're funny, but…"
"I’m not funny?" James asked.
"No," Lauren confirmed. "You're not. Keep your day job. Seriously."
Finding out what your family and friends actually think of you can be bracing, James thought. There was a cruel clarity and blunt force honesty in the tone of her voice. It felt like what James thought an intervention must feel like. You have a problem, James. You are not funny… It's like a breath of fresh air and a kick in the nuts all at once.
"But my eggplant parm is good, right?" he asked.
"The eggplant parm is to die for," Lauren said.
"Okay," James said. "So, you don't think I'm funny and Kate doesn't think I'm funny and Eric doesn't think I'm funny and Dad definitely didn't think I was funny and okay, I guess Mom was just being nice because I was her favorite - "
"Hey!" Lauren said.
"But that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who does think I'm funny," James continued. "Unlike my eggplant parm, humor is subjective. As I was thinking about everything, one other thing I realized is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life explaining the joke I just told. I need to find someone who thinks I'm funny. Someone who gets the joke without me having to explain it." He paused. "Jokes are like relationships. Once you deconstruct them, they never really work again."
"So you're looking for a girl who will fake a laugh as well as an orgasm?" Lauren asked.
"And now you're going to tell me that's too much to ask?" James said, smiling. "I think there's someone special out there who's destined to be my one true love - and I theirs," James said, trying not to sound too hopelessly romantic.
"Of course there is," Lauren said. "It's Kate."
"You're wrong," James said.
"I'm never wrong," Lauren said. "Well, so rarely wrong that it seems like never."
"You're wrong about this," James said. “Maybe Kate was my one and only,” James said. He had considered the possibility and its current implications for the past week.
“Is your one and only,” Lauren corrected.
“But I wasn’t Kate’s one and only,” James said. He shrugged. “That’s going to happen sometimes.”
"Do you really think you can find a path through this world without any pain, suffering, and heartache?" Lauren asked.
"Of course not," James said. "As recent events in my life have proven, my path is littered with pain, suffering, and heartache. And I understand that the road not taken may be every bit as full of pain, suffering, and heartache as this one. I just think I owe it to myself to find out."
"Did you even give her a chance to explain?" Lauren asked.
"Explain?" James asked in return.
SCENE: Day. Interior. The apartment that James and Eric share, a spare but modern space on the second floor of one old downtown businesses - a hair salon - that rented out second and third floors to the young professionals that worked in Portsmouth or commuted to Portland or Boston. It's early in the morning as JAMES enters the apartment, carrying a cardboard drink tray with two large coffees, and a bag of donuts from Dunks.
JAMES: Eric! You up? I got coffee and donuts. [to himself] Thought I'd be done with all-nighters after college. [aloud] You're not going to believe this, but scripted disaster recovery drills don't actually prepare you for real, unscripted disasters. [leaving the donuts and coffees on the kitchen table, JAMES walks over to Eric's bedroom door, knocks, and quickly opens the door] Hey, you've had more than enough beauty rest! Coffee and donuts on the - Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't know. You didn't hang a tie on the door…
JAMES is starting to close the door but stops when he sees that it is KATE in bed with ERIC. They are both naked, their clothing strewn around the bed on the floor.
JAMES: [stunned, heartbroken] …knob.
ERIC: James!
KATE: Oh, shit!
JAMES: [after a beat of silence] Shouldn't one of you say, "This isn't what it looks like?" No? It is what it looks like? I, uh, okay, I only brought coffee for two and I'm suddenly feeling like the third wheel here so… Yeah. [turning to leave] It's out on the kitchen table with some donuts.
KATE: James, wait!
JAMES: [turns to see Kate, standing naked next to the bed and his heart breaks again] I… I've got to go.
KATE: Let me explain!
JAMES: Explain?
"Yes, explain," Lauren began, but was interrupted by knocking at the front door to James' apartment.
They were still for a moment.
"You didn't - " James began.
"No," Lauren answered.
They were still for another moment.
"Are you going to answer the door?" Lauren asked.
James sighed. It was too early for his Uber and there was really nobody else in the world that he wanted to see right then. "Yeah. Be right back."
James opened the door. It was Eric. James started to close the door but Eric blocked him by using the old but still highly effective foot in the door gambit.
James stepped back but not out of the doorway. "You promised me I'd have until four o'clock to get my stuff out of the apartment. You couldn't even do that for me?"
"Please," Eric said. "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry before you left."
"You already said you were sorry," James said.
"I need to talk to you about - "
"Okay," James said, cutting him off, but not moving. "Talk to me."
"James, I'm sorry," Eric said. "I'm really, really sorry."
"Thanks," James said, and began to close the door again. And again, Eric stopped him, bracing his foot against the door.
"Come on, man," Eric said. "We're practically brothers."
"Incestuous brothers it would seem," James said.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Eric asked.
From the next room they could hear Lauren's voice call out, asking, "Who is it? Is it Kate?"
"Is that Lauren?" Eric said, pushing past James and into the apartment. "Lauren?"
James followed Eric into the living room of the apartment.
"You're not supposed to be here," Lauren said.
"I needed to talk to you," Eric said.
"I think we've already said everything we need to - what? You're here to talk to Lauren?" James asked.
"Yes. I mean, I came here to talk to you about Lauren. I didn't know she'd be here but okay, yes, I did know she'd be here and yes I'm here to talk to Lauren," Eric said. "Look, I've said I was sorry about Kate twenty times already."
"Seventeen times, actually," James said. "But who's counting? Beside me, of course."
"I'm sorry," Eric said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? Twenty times." He turned away from James to face Lauren as he said, "Besides, this isn't about you."
"Thank you! That's just what I've been trying to tell Lauren," James said. "Although I really didn't see this coming. What, exactly, is this, anyway?"
James looked at Lauren looking at Eric. He looked at Eric looking at Lauren. Neither of them seemed to notice he was there.
"I'd say you could cut the tension between you two with a knife but it would have to be a really, really big knife," James said. He paused but neither of them blinked. "Lauren? Eric?"
Eric turned to him. "I'm in love with your sister," he said.
"What?" James said.
"What?" Lauren said.
Eric turned back to Lauren. "I love you," he said. "Please. Give me another chance. I know I was wrong. I was just so sad and angry when you dumped me. And I just acted like I don't know what I acted like. And now I've hurt everyone, and I know there isn't anything I can say or do that can change what's happened. But please believe me. I love you. I'll do anything to get you back. How can I prove my love for you?"
"You could kill yourself," Lauren said. "You know. Throw yourself off a cliff in despair knowing that you will never have my love."
"If that's what it takes," Eric said. "If that's what you want."
"And they say romance is dead," James said, "Well, it will be when you hit the rocks below." They were quiet for a moment. "Look, this is a lot to process. For all of us. Well, for me, certainly. You love Lauren?"
"Yes," Eric said.
"You don't love Kate," James said.
"No," Eric said.
"You fucked my girlfriend, just because you could? It didn't mean anything to you?" James asked, his voice rising a bit.
"I knew you still loved Kate!" Lauren said. "You wouldn't be that angry if you didn't."
"For the twenty-first time," Eric said, "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. Alcohol was involved. It was just sex. When are you going to get over it?"
"Get over it?" James said.
"Yes, get over it!" Eric said.
"Right," James said. "Sure. Of course. It was just sex. I should just get over it. All is forgiven. We can all just go back to the way things were before. Friends. Lovers. And nine months from now when a baby with curly blonde hair looking like Chris Hemsworth's love child is born, I should just laugh that off, right? And when I'm done laughing I can start a college fund for the ironically named James Junior."
"That isn't going to happen," Eric said. "We used protection."
"Oh," James said. "So you did think about what you were doing."
"Yes. Yes," Eric said, with resignation in his voice. He turned to Lauren again. "And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I just… I don't… I can't… What can I do?"
"I am completely and utterly confused now," James said. "And I'm a little hurt that suddenly this isn't all about me. Then again, I am the slightly above average but boring ex-boyfriend and this is starting to look like the beginning of Act 3 so I really should've seen this coming." He turned to his sister. "I have to say you seem more upset by Eric sleeping with Kate than I am about Kate sleeping with Eric. Weren't you crying before when we were discussing your affair with Eric?"
"She was crying?" Eric asked. "So you do have feelings for me!" he said to Lauren.
"Yes," Lauren said, "I hate you."
"You know," James said. "I think the two of you need to go somewhere where you can talk this out. I can finish up by myself here -"
"You're my best friend," Eric said. "I'm not going to help you leave."
"Former best friend," James said.
"James," Eric said, "I've apologized over and over and over again about this even though it wasn't my fault." He hesitated, then continued. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but Kate came over to the apartment that night to break up with you."
"That can't be true!" Lauren fairly shouted. "Kate loves my brother!"
"I'm sorry, man," Eric said to James. "But it is true. She showed up drunk and crying and saying she didn't want to break your heart, but she… she was really torn up about it, and - "
"You were just comforting her in her time of need," James said.
"Yes," Eric said. "I mean, no! Come on, man. Shit happens!"
"Indeed. It's happening right now," James said.
"You should talk to her," Eric said. "You shouldn't leave things like this."
James took a deep breath and let it out, but before he could say another word, they heard the knocking at the front door of the apartment. James looked to the hallway but didn't move.
"Are you going to get that?" Lauren asked.
James did not answer or move. He knew who was at the door.
"I'll get it," Eric said.
"No," Lauren said. "Why don't you see who's at the door, James."
"All right," James said. "It's probably my Uber," he said as he walked to the front door of the apartment, hoping and wishing it was true.
James stood at the front door of the apartment and hesitated. Another knock. He opened the door and much to his lack of surprise, it was Kate. He felt his heart break again. He wondered if it would start to hurt less someday.
Kate thought at first that James was actually happy to see her - wishful thinking, perhaps - but then she saw his face change suddenly, as if he had stepped on a nail, and then, just as quickly, it was covered by a smile.
"You're late," James said. "The party's already started."
They stood still, looking at each other.
"I'm sorry," Kate said. "This is quite awkward."
"You have no idea," James said. "Where are my manners? Come in, come in."
"Thanks," Kate said. "I feel like I owe you an explanation."
"Don't worry about it," James said. "Eric explained everything."
"Not everything," Kate said.
Lauren and Eric had moved as quietly as possible to the doorway from the living room to the hallway that led to the front door to eavesdrop, but they could not elude Kate's notice.
"Is there somewhere we could talk in private?" Kate asked.
"Why?" James said. Following Kate's gaze, he saw Lauren and Eric. "Oh. Yeah."
Kate noticed the look of pain flash across James' face again when he looked back at her.
"You know," James said. "I'm kind of all talked out. I, uh, really don't -"
"You said you loved me," Kate said. "Just give me two minutes."
"I knew it!" Lauren said. "You do love her! James, just give her a chance. Two minutes. You owe her that much."
James felt his precarious grip on the radio tower atop the Empire State Building beginning to slip. He was bleeding out. No way to go but a long way down, he thought.
"Okay. But we can talk here. It's not like Lauren and Eric aren't a part of this. I saved some of your stuff I found when I was packing. It's in the kitchen," James said. They all followed as he headed back into the apartment.
James walked into the kitchen and stood next to the table with the box labeled TRASH. James gestured at the box. "Your stuff," he said to Kate.
"I see," Kate said. "Fair, I suppose."
Kate walked over to the table and looked into the box. She picked up the napkin from their first meeting and smiled. She put it back and then picked up the snowglobe as the smile left her face.
"You aren't taking this with you?" she asked.
"The Tchotchkes of Forever," James said.
"What?" Kate asked.
"It reminds me of someone I'm trying to forget," James said.
She put the snowglobe back in the TRASH box.
"You wanted to talk," James said. "Talk."
Kate began to speak but James wasn't listening. He couldn't. His mind wandered through the memories of their time together. It was like a dream that actually happened. The weekend in North Conway in October. Leaf peeping. The New Year's ski trip to Attitash. The week in Ogunquit last May, walking the beach at sunrise. Moments. Life is all about those moments. Pain, suffering, and heartache. And sometimes love. She had been "okay"/"not bad" about his eggplant parm and that did hurt a little, but he couldn't remember a single time they'd argued or fought about anything more significant than which movie to see. She had always won those arguments, of course. Can you be too happy? What was she saying now? Something about a career? Something about a house, kids, a sensible car, college funds? Why does everyone think I want kids?
"You can see that, can't you James?" Kate asked.
"Yes," James said. "Of course."
"You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" Kate said.
James had picked up the gist of it, though. "You don't love me. The details don't really matter, do they?" He was falling. He would hit the pavement any second now.
"The details always matter," Kate said.
The mighty Kong, his heart and body shattered, gave up his last breath. "Until they don't any more," James said.
"I came over that night to end things with you," Kate said. "I knew it was going to break your heart. You're like, well, you're like a little - "
"A little girl?" James asked, catching Lauren's eye.
"I was going to say a little puppy dog," Kate said. "But I guess that works, too. Anyway, I drank a bottle of wine sitting in my car to work up the courage to…"
"Break my heart?" James asked.
"You’re a really nice guy, James," Lauren said. "I shouldn’t have let it go on as long as I did. I never should have let you get to 'I love you.' We just want different things and I think you know that, too. You deserve someone who loves you. I'm sorry, but it isn't me."
James nodded. "Feel better?"
"No. Not really," Kate said. "You?"
"Nope," James said.
James noticed the look on Kate's face and then he heard it, too. He turned to face Lauren and Eric. "Are you crying?"
"I'm not crying," Eric said, crying. "You're crying."
"I should be crying," James said. "But why are you crying? I don't understand -"
"What is... wrong with… you two?" Lauren managed, between sobs. "How can you… just throw… love… away like this?"
James turned back to Kate. "Did you know about these two? About Lauren and Eric?"
"Yeah," Kate said. "Eric told me after…" She paused. "Sorry."
Eric was holding Lauren now, as they both wept, Lauren clutching his shirt tight in her hands.
"Well," James said. "I hate to end the party just as the drama is peaking but I do have a plane to catch and my Uber should be here any minute now, so…"
"Don't be stupid," Eric said, sniffling. "I'll drive you."
"No. You won't," James said.
"It's what friends do," Eric protested.
"We're not friends," James said, catching himself, trying hard to maintain his composure, straining to sound unemotional, matter of fact, clinical; all while he was feeling none of those things. "Not anymore. I wasn't kidding before when I said I never wanted to see you again. I'm not kidding now. Why do you think I'm moving to Wisconsin? Besides, I think my sister needs you."
There was a knock at the door.
"Uber ex machina," James said to himself, as he went to answer the door. It was, indeed, his Uber driver, an older man wearing a Bruins cap. a St. Anselm's sweatshirt, jeans and well-worn running shoes. The man seemed oddly familiar. Does he look a little bit like Dad? James thought. Maybe. It's Future James! He's built a time machine and come back from 40 years in the future to rescue Now James from his current predicament.
"Hi," Future James said. "I'm Chris, your driver. I know I'm a little early. Hope that's okay."
"You have no idea how okay that is, Chris," James said, shaking the man's hand. "I'm James."
"Good to meet you, James. Anyway," Chris said. "The traffic report wasn't too good. Slowdowns on 101. Don't want to miss your flight. Better to get an early start. If you're ready, of course."
"I am so ready," James said.
"Need a hand with your bags?" Chris asked.
"Thanks, but I've only got the one suitcase," James said. "Give me a minute. I just need to say my goodbyes and I'll be right down."
"You got it," Chris said, and left. James returned to the front room where it seemed that everyone had remained just as he had left them.
"All right," James said, forcing a smile. "This is it, then. How about a hug for your baby brother, sis?"
Lauren slipped from Eric's arms and wiped tears from her cheeks as she walked over to him. "I should spank you, you big baby." But, instead, she gave him a hug and whispered in his ear, "I hate you, you brat."
James broke the embrace and smiled at Lauren. "I love you, too."
"No hug for me?" Eric asked with a hopeful smile.
"No," James said.
He picked up his suitcase and garment bag. "Thanks for helping me out with the packing today, sis. And thanks for holding onto the rest of my stuff and shipping it out to me once I get settled."
He paused at the corner of the hallway to the front door and took a deep breath. "Goodbye," he said.
"Text me when you've landed," Kate said.
It hurt again but James thought this time it did hurt just a little bit less than the time before. He tried to play it off with an attempted smile. "Sorry," he said. "I lost your number."
"I just want to know you're okay," Kate said. "That's all."
"I am okay," James said.
He wasn't, but he would be. He turned and walked out of the apartment, down to his Uber where Future James awaited, to take him to the flight that would carry him away to that fairytale land of happily ever afters, Wisconsin.
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