Yep, He's Gay

If you are at all interested in football or gay rights, you know that Michael Sam is gay. He was a very good college football player for the University of Missouri; good enough to be named the co-Defensive Player of the Year in the SEC, perhaps the very best college football conference. Most of us would consider Michael Sam to be a big dude at 6’ 2” and 255 pounds but as he makes the transition to the NFL, he’s a “tweener.” Draft analysts ask if he’s a little too small to continue playing defensive end or maybe a little too slow to play linebacker. All of that is merely back story, at least for today, because the only thing that really mattered about Michael Sam today is that he’s queer and he’s here. Time for some old white guys to get used to it.

 

If Michael Sam makes an NFL roster he will not be the first gay man to play the game. There’s general consensus on that point at least. Even without the anecdotal evidence, it seems it would be a statistical inevitability. Sam will be the first openly gay professional football player, though. Unless, of course, someone already on an NFL roster comes out first. I would not be surprised by a domino effect. Maybe it doesn’t come until after the draft. Maybe it doesn’t happen at all. I’ve been wrong before, of course.

There’s been the usual and customary fretting by unnamed sources about locker room culture and how the distraction of the gayness will impact unit cohesion. And then there are the sports radio call in guys who’re afraid that if Tom Brady* came on to them, they’d go all gay for a day themselves. Not that they identify themselves in exactly those terms. I think what straight guy said is that it would be like if he worked with fifty naked women. In a shower. (Okay I added that part.) I think that caller was probably thinking with 50-1 odds he was one straight guy who was bound to get lucky. (Probably not.) I think he was also hinting that he’d get an uncontrollable boner having to work in a shower with fifty naked women. I can see where that would be embarrassing. Maybe even an unsafe workplace legal action. You really should keep it in your pants.

*Tom Brady used merely as an example of a good looking guy who plays football.

It’s also been suggested that Jesus, a dude who traveled with twelve other dudes and was generally cool with everyone, wouldn’t be cool with this. This is probably why I’m not a Christian any more. I was only intellectually Christian in any case. I was a Lutheran. There were quizzes. We never covered gay football players in my confirmation classes so I’m not really sure where I come down on this. I’m also not so sure Jesus cares about American football. Whatever. I’ll just say lack of forgiveness doesn’t strike me as all that Jesusy.

Well, what should I expect from sports radio callers?

Yes, I do feel dirty and almost ironically steam punk listening to sports radio on an actual radio. I’d lie and tell you it’s some kind of anthropological survey of largely anecdotal evidence of human intelligence but really it’s an addiction. I’ll be entering rehab soon. It’s like looking under the rock. That life is valid of course but it shouldn’t participate in setting public policy decisions.

I have fond childhood memories of rolly pollies so I like the “under the rock” metaphor a bit too much. And yes specifically rolly pollies should not participate in public policy decisions. It’s cool the way they roll into a ball, though. Or it was when I was seven. Their defense mechanism is brilliant in its simplicity. Roll into an armored ball and then wait. Just wait.

You’ve got to come out of your shell some time, of course. (I hate when people write, “See what I did there?” but, well…)

Having come out to his college teammates, Michael Sam pretty much had to come out before the combine if he wanted to come out on his own terms. This was no less courageous in its pragmatism and his narrative should tell NFL teams everything they need to know about Sam’s character.

Yes, he’s a “tweener.” That should be the most important consideration going forward. 3^rd round or 6^th round? Perhaps he goes undrafted. The next Elvis Dumervil or maybe a solid special teams’ contributor? Perhaps he’ll be looking for a job in Canada. There are so many possibilities but I’ll just stop there.

How long before Peter King is writing about the brave, forward-thinking GM who is loading up on gay football players because they’re driven to prove their masculinity by outperforming their straight teammates and opponents?

It’s about winning football games, people.

 (Too cliche? Or just cliche enough?)