When is Someone Going to Ask Him About Pharrell's Hat?

First of all, wearing a baseball cap when you’re a grownup had better be one of the conditions of employment or you really need to question whether or not you have a plan. My opinion. Who cares, really?

 

Much has been made of Mike Ditka’s opinion of Matthew Stafford’s hats. Let’s not forget one important fact. Mike Ditka is old. He played and coached football once upon a time but that was then. Yes, he was great. He was the Gronk of his day. A rare combination of size and athleticism. A bigger than life character as the head coach of one of the greatest teams in NFL history (even when you factor in Jim McMahon). How big is he? He’s a one-name guy. Ditka. But we can’t forget the salient point in all current day scenarios involving Mike Ditka is that Mike Ditka is old.

I couldn’t figure out why Ditka was so against a cold weather Super Bowl in the run up to XLVIII. Then it hit me.

He’s old. He hates the cold. My mother kept her thermostat set at 80 and was constantly asking everyone, “Are you cold?” Old people hate the cold. Is it too much a harbinger of the inevitable dirt nap that awaits us all? Is it simply joint pain? Either way it’s kind of bleak. I can understand why the cold – even the thought of it – would make him cranky.

Anyway, Mike Ditka doesn’t like Matthew Stafford’s accessories. Maybe it reminds him of the kids he just chased off his lawn. He’s old and he doesn’t like hats. Remember when your mom would pull you aside and whisper, “Grandpa is just tired, honey. Go get another cookie now” after Grandpa threatened to hit you with his cane for wearing your baseball cap backwards? I know, right? Grandpa made every visit an adventure but on the whole I’d have to say Grandma’s chocolate chip cookies balanced the scales quite nicely.

I think we should all cut Mike Ditka some slack on this one and not just because this whole thing reminded me of those homemade chocolate chip cookies.

From Ditka’s perspective that backwards baseball cap is emblematic of the punk losers of his youth, symbolic of a lack of discipline, a lack of respect for authority, a lack of respect for the game and the Virgin Mary. Ditka doesn’t get the post-ironic symbolism of Matthew Stafford’s hat. Or understand that statistical models exclude the orientation of hats as a causative factor in game outcomes. Unless, of course, we’re talking about the game day helmets. Wearing helmets backward during the game would certainly impact the outcome. Aside from that, though, orientation of hats = non-factor.

Still, those kids need to get off lawn!

And Matthew Stafford does need to grow up.