Midpoint

Anything can still happen, right? Well, almost anything. You know who you are.

 

Cincinnati 31, Miami 9 – Hard to picture the Dolphins bouncing back from that loss in New England so easily. Plus, if the Super Bowl was held this Thursday, the Bengals would win it, against the field. They are that hot right now. The Dolphins are the opposite of hot right now. They are ice cold. Drawing dead on the river. Standing ankle deep in water with one end of the jumper cables clamped firmly on their genitals. Miami spent big money in the off season and was supposed to challenge for the AFC East. Some pigskin pundits and bobbleheads picked them to topple the Patriots. With the face plant in Foxborough, they’ve now lost four in a row, turning their once promising 3-0-0 start into a dim, mocking memory. No doubt they feel betrayed, clowned by fate; living with the certain knowledge that anything good will quickly and decisively be followed by something way out of proportion bad. It’s a harsh world.

Kansas City 17, Buffalo 3 – The Chiefs continue to score points like they’re trying to save some up for later. (It doesn’t work like that, does it?) This leads to relatively low-scoring games and a growing lack of respect from the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads. Do you think of the Chiefs as #1 in your own personal power rankings? I didn’t think so. I’m starting to wonder about Alex Smith. I mean, he hasn’t been bad exactly but he’s got Jamaal Charles, Dexter McCluster and Dwayne Bowe. Doesn’t that sound like 27.5 points per game to you? On the other hand, if defense does win championships, Alex Smith isn’t going to need to score 27+ points, is he? As for beleaguered Bills’ fans, it would be irresponsible of me to recommend that you drink any more than you already are. Try to eat something, okay?

Minnesota 13, Dallas 37 – Watching the end of the game between the Cowboys and Lions, you just had the feeling that the Lions were going to win. Mostly because, you know, Cowboys. But also because Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson were just on fire. In fact, I was shocked when Megatron was stopped at the 1-yard line. Of course, that had to happen to set up Stafford’s reach around TD which was laugh out loud funny. As for Dez Bryant’s sideline performance, I thought too much was made of Tom Brady’s body language so I’m not going to make too much of Bryant’s meltdown. It’s an emotional game. Every so often somebody is going to lose their shit. Watching Calvin Johnson in person may have helped Dez Bryant realize just how small his penis is. (I’m speaking figuratively, of course.) It could be that knowing the NFC East is theirs to lose may simply be more pressure than the Cowboys are prepared to handle. Anyway, Bryant catches three TDs and Romo throws for 300+ yards, four TDs (the fourth to Jason Witten who wrestles with Bryant for the ball on the sidelines) and everybody ignores the fact that they’re playing the Vikings. How ‘bout them Cowboys! As for the Vikings, how hard is it to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson? Shouldn’t they do that more often?

Tennessee 20, St. Louis 16 – Two evenly matched teams should make for a far more exciting game than this one will be.

New Orleans 34, NY Jets 13 – The Saints are wearing their angry eyes in 2013. The Jets are wearing their googly eyes.

San Diego 34, Washington 27 – A lot of people broke their ankles jumping off the RG III bandwagon. That’s probably a good idea for 2013 (not the breaking ankles part, the jumping off part). I don’t know much about the Chargers’ defense but I hear the Washington defense is kind of bad. RG III may not be his old self but it really hasn’t been the offense that’s been the problem for Washington.

Atlanta 24, Carolina 30 – The pain doesn’t stop for Atlanta. It’s hard to look at. Did Tony Gonzalez want a trade or didn’t he? Would he have or wouldn’t he have? More importantly, why didn’t the Falcons try to trade him? Julio Jones is out for the season, Stephen Jackson is apparently done, the season is over. Am I the only one who sees this? They should’ve been able to get something in return for the greatest tight end ever (okay, maybe not). I would’ve thought they could’ve shopped Gonzalez to Green Bay or Kansas City, maybe even New England (they love tight ends!). Now Gonzalez is like Maximus at the end of “Gladiator.” Already mortally wounded, his ultimate fate sealed, waiting for the lights to fade to black on the 2013 season.

Philadelphia 16, Oakland 27 – Terrell Pryor should be playing for Chip Kelly, am I right?

Tampa Bay 10, Seattle 34 – This game will tell us everything we need to know about Greg Schiano’s future with the Buccaneers. Has he lost the locker room? Let’s watch and see. Bring your hankies. I don’t think this one has a happy ending. For Greg Schiano. As for the Seahawks, aren’t they the answer to Jim Harbaugh’s question?

Baltimore 19, Cleveland 20 – How bad is Brandon Weeden? Brian Hoyer was instantly better than him. Jason Campbell is instantly better than him. Meanwhile, the Ravens can’t seem to stop punching themselves in the face.

Pittsburgh 16, New England 27 – I keep waiting for a breakthrough but maybe it’s going to be baby steps all the way into November. Maybe I should just hope nobody else suffers a season-ending injury.

Indianapolis 37, Houston 20 – So, the Gary Kubiak/Matt Schaub Super Bowl window is officially closed, right?

Chicago 19, Green Bay 41 – It probably would’ve been this bad with Jay Cutler, too.