Anything Can Happen And It Probably Will

The house always wins.

Always.

New York [G] 13, Chicago 27 – Can it get worse for the Giants? Oh, right. I’m predicting it’s going to get worse for the Giants. Looks like Antrel Rolle was right about his teammates. They suck at projecting a positive outcome.

Green Bay 27, Baltimore 20 – Have the Ravens figured it out? I don’t know. More importantly, I don’t think they know.

Cincinnati 16, Buffalo 5 – Are the Bengals sufficiently schizophrenic to repeat their Cleveland performance on the banks of Lake Erie again? Maybe. Andy Dalton is a mischievous imp, after all. But the Bills are going to start Thad Lewis this Sunday after losing starter E.J. Manuel to injury then suffering the horrifying realization that backup QB Jeff Tuel was only 12 years old (you don’t believe Obama’s birth certificate, I don’t believe Jeff Tuel’s). Lewis played college ball at Duke, that school famous for basketball. He has one game on his two-year NFL resume, with an intriguing slash line of 22/32/204/1. He also tossed an INT and that 204 yards breaks down to 6.38 yards per attempt which is the opposite of intriguing.

Detroit 31, Cleveland 16 – The Brian Hoyer era was over before it started. Yet somehow the Browns won last week. Then again, they won at home against a team that had to use a 12-year old at QB when their starter went down with an injury. Matthew Stafford should prove to be more of a challenge.

St. Louis 20, Houston 27 – What happened to Matt Schaub? I mean, he’s never beeb in the discussion when the hash tag is eliteNFLQB but he was at least okay, wasn’t he? Did we all just talk ourselves into Matt Schaub’s #okayness? When Matt Schaub and J.J. Watt pass each other in the hallways of Houston’s practice facilities, does Watt give Schaub two for flinching? I’m just waiting for the gif to be posted on Bleacher Report. So why am I picking the Texans? The Rams experienced the emotional high of avoiding the stigma of being the 1 in a 1-15-0 season for the Jaguars last Sunday and they’re bound to suffer a letdown this week.

Carolina 13, Minnesota 27 – Cam Newton is just lucky Tom Brady’s bad body language distracted all the pigskin pundits and bobbleheads from his bad body language. As for the “winning” thing, I would rank HC Ron Rivera’s look of despair and the overall talent level on the roster ahead of Newton’s body language as the primary causes for the Panthers 14-22-0 record with Cam at QB.

Oakland 6, Kansas City 20 – Can you imagine what it would be like for Eagles’ fans to watch Andy Reid take the Chiefs to the Super Bowl for the win that was always so close but oh so far away for Philadelphia? How would it be for 49ers’ fans to watch Alex Smith hoist the Lombardi Trophy?

Pittsburgh 3, New York [J] 33 – The Jets’ defense will destroy the Steelers’ offense, that much is certain. Do we think the Steelers’ defense is better than the Falcons’ defense? Do we think the Steelers’ defense can contain Geno Smith? I’m not sure we do.

Philadelphia 27, Tampa Bay 19 – Isn’t Mike Glennon essentially Nick Foles?

Jacksonville 0, Denver 98 – I’ve given up on calling for Jacksonville to sign Tim Tebow and run the zone-read with MJD (and the occasional bomb to Justin Blackmon). Jacksonville should pick up Matt Flynn instead. Not as their QB of the Future. No, they should sign Flynn because wherever he goes, a young, athletic QB winds up taking his job away from him. The Jags should pick up Flynn, finish the year 0-16-0 and draft Teddy Bridgewater in 2014 no matter how many draft picks the Browns offer. It writes itself.

Tennessee 13, Seattle 34 – I may be underestimating how many times the Seahawks’ defense will score in this one.

New Orleans 20, New England 33 – Yeah, yeah. I know. Not gonna happen. Whatever. Go Pats!

Arizona 8, San Francisco 34 – It’s starting to look like the problems with Carson Palmer were not environmental.

Washington 27, Dallas 23 – I just think the Boys will still be struggling with the effects of the psychological hangover from that near miss self-inflicted junk punch loss to the Broncos.

Quick Aside to Daniel “Little Tree” Snyder: Using tradition or heritage as a justification will rationalize just about anything that ever existed. Slavery, for example was a tradition in the south for nearly a hundred years. Systemic genocide is part of our heritage as Americans. Everything from racism, segregation and homophobia to nose-picking, nail-biting and mullets can be justified on the basis of past use if that’s the only justification you require. Seriously, your dewy-eyed childhood memories of attending a game with your dad justify the use of a racial slur as the name of your football franchise? How small is your penis?

Indianapolis 34, San Diego 17 – They’re running out of room on the Indianapolis band wagon. Plenty of seats suddenly available for the Philip Rivers Revival and Traveling Salvation Show.