Fours and Fives

It just keeps getting better…

Buffalo 20, Cleveland 31 – Does Brandon Weeden ever get his job back? Yes, that was a rhetorical question. Cleveland wakes up Monday morning with their Browns all alone in 1^st place in the AFC North. And no, I never thought I’d ever write that.

New Orleans 38, Chicago 23 – Last week we learned the Bears are still the Bears after all.

Detroit 34, Green Bay 31 – Because I want to see Aaron Rodgers punch Mike McCarthy in the face. Not that I don’t like Mike McCarthy. I’m just interested in how pigskin pundits and bobblehead will describe Aaron Rodgers’ body language. Clearly, Aaron Rodgers’ fist was frustrated with Mike McCarthy’s face…

Kansas City 24, Tennessee 20 – If Jake Locker hadn’t been broken (again) I would like the Titans in this one; with Ryan Fitzpatrick under center, not so much.

Seattle 27, Indianapolis 21 – Seattle continues its march through the AFC South to the sea, leaving only devastation in their wake. In the great Russell Wilson/Andrew Luck/RG III/Ryan Tannehill debate, I’ve got Luck but he will be facing a much better defense than Wilson on Sunday.

Jacksonville 0, St. Louis 38 – Does this game come with a viewer discretion advised warning? Will they be showing a Katherine Heigl movie instead of this game in the greater Jacksonville area Sunday afternoon? Does Jacksonville think they could be worse with Tim Tebow running the zone read with Maurice Jones-Drew? Yes, yet more rhetorical questions. Clearly it’s impossible for the Jaguars to do worse. If there was a Kelvin Scale for football they would be registering absolute zero.

Baltimore 27 Miami 30 – Both of these teams will be looking to bounce back from sobering defeats. The Dolphins’ loss in NOLA is a lot easier to explain away than Joe Flacco pooping his pants in Buffalo. It’s tough beating the Saints in the Superdome, something that hasn’t recently been said about the Bills on the shores of Lake Erie. And what’s with the Ravens’ fixation on the Super Bowl blackout as a one-man conspiracy orchestrated by Roger Goodell? They did win the Super Bowl, didn’t they? 

Philadelphia 33, New York[g] 16 – I’m not sure why Antrel Rolle said the Giants would run the table when he doesn’t believe his teammates share his confidence in a 12-4-0 finish (a record that would certainly win the NFC East). Throwing his teammates under the bus doesn’t remind me of any of the team-building exercises I’ve ever done on corporate retreats. Maybe they should break into small groups of six and have each team build a bridge out of construction paper, masking tape, paper clips and plastic straws.

Carolina 20, Arizona 17 – Or Carolina 17, Arizona 20. Whatever. Is there a Katherine Heigl movie on?

Denver 49, Dallas 20 – The Cowboys are leading the NFC East by default. They couldn’t slow down the Philip Rivers and Chargers last week and they will have far less success handling Peyton Manning and the Broncos. I know I’m going out on a limb here but I’m starting to think that Jason Garrett isn’t a very good head coach I’m already having second thoughts already about the Cowboys’ chances to hold the Broncos under 50.

Houston 27, San Francisco 35 – At least this one won’t happen in front of friends and family of Texans’ player. Meanwhile, misunderstood safety Donte Whitner is having his name legally changed to Hitner. A few thoughts: Dropping a W is generally not a good thing in sports. Wouldn’t it make sense to add 15 more W’s to his name? Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhitner. That would demonstrate a commitment to winning. Wait! I forgot the post-season. Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhitner! Secondly, while Whitner also rhymes with Hitler I never actually thought about that until I saw Hitner. Finally, if you’re going to change your name, go big or go weird. How about 1000Newtons? Or Inferno? Or Blunt-Instrument? Or Big-Swinging-Dick (in Swahili, of course)?

San Diego 31, Oakland 9 – The Philip Rivers Revival and Traveling Salvation Show rolls into Oakland. Stop me if you’ve heard this before but Darren McFadden is hurt and it turns out Matt Flynn was not the answer to the question, “Who can lead this team back to respectability?”  

New England 33, Cincinnati 30 – The Bengals are trending to 8-8-0 but they have been solid at home, with a shootout win against the Packers their signature win of the season. Hey, fumble returns for a TD count six points just like any other TD. Franchise QB Andy Dalton has been maddeningly underwhelming.  Dalton is looking up at Carson Palmer, Geno Smith and Sam Bradford among 19 others when it comes to passing yards. The 22^nd ranked running game isn’t doing him any favors, of course. Do the Patriots find a way? Yes. What did you think I was going to say? A little shout out to Stephen Gostkowski here. Gostkowski looked shaky in the preseason but he has been a weapon since it got really real. If Gostkowski isn’t leading the league in touchbacks he’s got to be near the top of the leader board (okay, I checked and he’s second at 90.91%). He is leading the league in scoring at 41 points, tied with – surprise! – Denver’s Matt Prater. He has converted 11 of 12 FGA. The Patriots are starting to score more touchdowns so I would expect Gostkowski’s scoring pace to cool a bit as he trades 3’s for 1’s but he currently projects to 164 points, which would tie Gary Anderson’s record, and 44-48 on FGA (91.66666666666667%). 44 field goals made would tie David Akers’ record.

New York[j] 9, Atlanta 38 – The Jets will likely be playing without both of their starting receivers. Santonio Holmes is week to week with a hamstring and Stephen Hill is limited with a head. Head Coach Rex Ryan has unsuggested his plan to institute the color-coded play-calling system for QB Geno Smith that was first used for Mark Sanchez in 2009. Perhaps because he was reminded that it was first used for Mark Sanchez.