Life is a Series of Bad Decisions

It’s hard not to judge. Our brains rationalize input from the five senses, giving us the ability to swerve and miss that tree. We’re built to judge. Is this delicious? Will that fit in my pocket? That was a tree, wasn’t it? Is Mike Shanahan an idiot? Mike Shanahan is an idiot.

Christian Ponder is no RG III but Minnesota had no problem sitting him down when their only available Plan B was the Mighty Joe Webb. Webb had thrown zero (as in nada, zip, zilch) passes in 2012. Washington has Kirk Cousins – who had already come through with a win in relief in OT against Baltimore and a convincing road win over Cleveland. Washington was actually pretty well prepared for those occasions upon which RG III has a knee so flippy-floppy he really shouldn’t play football on it.

That knee looked pretty flippy-floppy even with a brace on it.

It’s incredible to me that the kind of doctors who know there is such a thing as an LCL weren’t somehow involved in the decision to play RG III. (I knew about the ACL, MCL and PCL but the LCL was a new one for me; luckily for everyone involved, I am not a doctor.) I may be missing something but it reads like this was all about Mike Shanahan and RG III. This was all about a Super Bowl winning coach and his maybe rookie of the year quarterback.

Shanahan: Hey, kid, did I ever tell you about the game John Elway played while he was gut shot?

RG III: Uh, yes you have, Coach.

Shanahan: Did I?

RG III: This would be the fourth time.

Shanahan: Well, it’s a good story. I’m pretty sure Elway was the first QB to play gut shot since Y.A. Tittle. Did I ever show you my Super Bowl ring? Look at that!

RG III: Yes, you’ve shown me your Super Bowl ring. Both of them, actually.

Shanahan: Oh, yeah? Impressive, am I right? So, kid, are you ready to go?

RG III: Should we like double-check with the doctors?

Shanahan: Have I ever talked to you about how a head coach in the NFL is kind of like the captain of a ship, you know, like Russell Crowe in “Master and Commander?”

RG III: So, that would be a no on the medicos, then.

Shanahan: Have you seen “Master and Commander?”

RG III: No.

Shanahan: You really should. Excellent flick. So… Ready to go?

RG III: Yeah, whatever, let’s go! Hey Coach, does this brace make my ass look fat?

Shanahan: Uh… no.

Of course not.

I’m going to say Robert Downey, Jr. should play Mike Shanahan and I’m going with Nelsan Ellis for RG III. Maybe Chadwick Boseman. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck will play themselves, of course. It will be an ambiguous morality play where there aren’t any good guys but there are plenty of bad guys. In a bravura performance, Robert Downey, Jr. will briefly but actually evoke feelings of sympathy towards Mike Shanahan.

(I know!)

I suppose I really should wait to make the movie. We haven’t yet found out if RG III winds up winning the Comeback Player of the Year for 2013 (2014?) or if he’ll never dance the pas de deux from “Giselle” again, leading him to become withdrawn, eventually moving to a cave in Kentucky where he lives out the rest of his tragic life on a diet of albino catfish and moss.

The Team That Nobody Wants to Play

The Seahawks look like that team that’s consistently outperforming its Lipper averages. They get the Falcons next, a team populated with players who haven’t won a playoff game. Not to mention head coach Mike “Winless” Smith. Admittedly, small data sample. The Falcons do seem to have a little more attitude this year. They’re playing at home, coming off a bye that bemefotted needed to get healthy. It’s Matt Ryan 2.0! And the Seahawks will be playing the second of back-to-back cross-country road games.

I have to say, I just feel like I’m trying to talk myself into the Falcons. What’s the line on Smith making a not in a good way game-changing call on 4^th down? That’s going to happen, isn’t it?

Seahawks 25, Falcons 23

Can’t help thinking: Aaron Rodgers is awesome. Who else is awesome in this game? Nobody! Just Rodgers! That’s the list!

Packers 37, 49ers 24

Snowball? Hell. Hell? Sno-Hey! Where’d that snowball go?

Like Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning is kind of awesome. Joe Flacco is kind of not awesome. Could Ray Rice carry the ball 60 times? Probably not. Will the altitude – and the Broncos’ no-huddle offense – leave Ray Lewis and the Ravens’ aging defense sucking wind? Probably. How many simulations do the Ravens win on Madden 2012? 1 in 25,000?

So, you’re saying there’s a chance?

No. No, I’m not.

Broncos 47, Ravens 13

Careful, Icarus!

So, I hate it when the Patriots are favored by 9 points. I hate it when pigskin pundits and bobbleheads are all calling for a New England win. Even the most cynical of Beantown scribes have bought their tickets to Denver. Now, I know that wearing my Patriots long-sleeved t-shirt and my grey Patriots hoodie for Patriots’ games has no actual impact on the outcome of the game so I’m pretty sure that Dan Shaughnessy’s words will have nothing to do with what happens on the field turf at Gillette Stadium this Sunday.

Pretty sure.

It makes me nervous, for sure. This is the sort of thing that happens in every underdog movie you’ve ever seen. The weasel-nosed chinless minions of Voldimortichlck give the square-jawed ambiguously Teutonic Texans a wedgie in Act I only to see those blond, blue-eyed Texans find the Sword of Schaub in Act II and slay the tersely evil Voldimortichick in Act III.

The Texans certainly have a chip on their shoulder. There is ample precedent for the team that lost big in the regular season getting the upset win in the playoffs. There’s also that thing where the Texans are actually a pretty good football team. Arian Foster. J.J. Watt. Andre Johnson. Pretty good football team. If they play their game they can beat anyone.

Nobody throws me my own guns and says run…

Nobody likes to be embarrassed. Most of us never have an opportunity to set things to right following whatever humiliating chain of events left us with our metaphorical pants down around our metaphorical ankles. The Texans can wipe the slate clean this Sunday. It’s atavistic, lizard brain mojo. The Patriots need to race out to an early two score lead and flip that fight response to flight as the Texans players succumb to the horrible memories of that psyche-shaking 42-14 loss. It’s happening again! Otherwise, this will be a game that turns on a single play in the 4^th Quarter.

I like Brady to Gronkowski for the game-winner but maybe that’s just me.  

One team will win.

One team will lose.

Football likes to rip your guts out. Metaphorically, of course.

Patriots 38, Texans 34

I want this to be my theme song…