Groupthink is a Bitch When You're on a Team of Losers

It’s amazing watching a game turn. What is it about some teams? You just knew the Chargers would find a way to cough up a 10 point lead – and their still beating hearts – at home against the Ravens. The Chargers were a 4^th and 29 away from winning and keeping their faint playoff hopes alive. Think about that. 4^th and 29 and they couldn’t tackle Ray Rice until it was too late. Hilarious, really. Because we all saw it coming, didn’t we?

  

Here comes your man…

How badass are the San Francisco 49ers? Their defense and their running game are so good they can put a 70% passer on the bench for a second year pro that came into 2012 having appeared in just 3 games and completed 3 of 5 attempts during his rookie campaign. The Niners’ defense is big and fast and terribly unsympathetic. Frank Gore is a brick. Does it really matter if it’s Alex Smith or Colin Kaepernick under center? Well, apparently head coach Jim Harbaugh thinks so. Kaepernick will start again this week as Alex Smith can now officially start wondering where he’ll be playing QB next year.

I’ve got Philadelphia.

With or without Andy Reid.

Adderall, Viagra and a Cappuccino…

And they say football isn’t homoerotic. Oh, they don’t say that? Okay, anyway, Brandon Marshall says NFL players are using Viagra as a performance enhancing drug. I suppose “Insert penis joke here” is, in and of itself a penis joke (as in “insert penis”). Not necessarily an actually funny joke, but still (if only by definition) a joke; a pun or play on words. Like “going hard up the middle.”

“Going deep.”

The “Dirty Sanchez.”

Or the “skinny post,” in my case. 

The Unintentional Foot…

So, the NFL said they couldn’t suspend Ndamukong Suh for kicking Texans QB Matt Schaub in the man region but they could fine him $30,000. (Suh reportedly signed a contract with $40M guaranteed. $30K is .075% of $40M.) That’s not even tip money for the Boy Named Suh. I’d junk-punch every QB in the league in the league at that rate. Anyway, the NFL didn’t suspend Suh because they couldn’t be sure he kicked Texans QB Matt Schaub in the man region on purpose. Was it malice or merest coincidence?

Why not both?

It doesn’t look like Suh goes out of his way to kick Matt Schaub in the nuts but it does look to me like Suh gives Schaub a little something something on the end of that play.

Oh, my foot is in your crotch! Have some, bitch!

The Desperate Hours…

Seattle at Chicago – This is all about the most interesting QB in the NFL, Jay Cutler. I think Cutler avoids the Seahawks rush and shreds their secondary with Brandon Marshall dropping a dime and a C-note with two TD. Or he could get killed.

Bears 30, Seahawks 23

San Francisco at St. Louis – How fun would it be if this one ended in a tie, too? So, I’m just wondering what happens if Colin Kaepernick stinks up the joint in the first half and the 49ers because shit like that happens all the time in the NFL. Does Harbaugh pull him and send Alex Smith out to start the second half? Or does he stand by Kaepernick and give him a chance to turn things around? This is eventually going to happen, isn’t it?

49ers 31, Rams 17

Arizona at New York (j) – For the record, it can get worse for the Jets. They could lose, at home, to a team that has lost seven games in a row; a team that’s starting its third QB this season; a team starting a peg-legged offensive lineman. What? He’s playing like that with two good legs? Really? Anyway, all the trend lines are negative for the Cardinals. Not that they aren’t for the Jets, too, and Mark Sanchez throwing three pick-6’s hardly seems outside the bounds of reality, does it?

Cardinals 27, Jets 12

Indianapolis at Detroit – The Lions really have nothing to live for in the pigskin sense. And they are hardly (on average) the most strong-minded of men. Sometimes, it’s just that simple.

Colts 31, Lions 21

Minnesota at Green Bay – The Giants just seem to be the Packers’ kryptonite so I wouldn’t make too much of that. I mean, it’s clearly a problem in a playoff situation, of course. The Packers will want to get that loser stink off of them and keep pace with the Bears. Aaron Rodgers will throw early and often.

Packers 38, Vikings 16

Tampa Bay at Denver – The Buccaneers are scrappy but scrappy will only take you so far. Not far enough in this case. The Broncos are rocking the westies with Peyton Manning pointing and shouting and leading by example.

Broncos 23, Buccaneers 20

Cincinnati at San Diego – The Bengals continue their march to elimination from the playoffs by way of a tiebreaker. The Chargers continue their march to an offseason of significant organizational change.

Bengals 27, Chargers 13

Pittsburgh at Baltimore – No Ben no win.

Bengals 31, Steelers 10

Philadelphia at Dallas – 8-8-0? Fingers crossed! The Eagles are decimated by injury, their egos are covered with bruises and their starting quarterback is still stuck on 97 counting backward from 100, their rookie backup QB is apparently only “preseason good” and the defense that disappointed in September and October actually got worse in November. Shouldn’t the Cowboys be able to win this game?

Cowboys 17, Eagles 9

New York (g) at Washington – The G-Men have been nothing if not unpredictable.

Skins 37, Giants 19

New England at Miami – Despite the injuries (and suspensions) the Patriots have not only endured but have been in devastation mode the last four games, scoring 45, 37, 59 and 49 points. I know you could look that up but I just like saying it. And they’ve been scoring by land and by air and by sea. Again, you could look that up. Recently, local pigskin pundits and bobbleheads have considered how Tom Terrific’s 2012 season compares with his MVP seasons of 2007 and 2010, not to mention 2011. Could it be Tom’s best season yet?

Is he a legit MVP candidate in 2012?

Yes and yes.

Brady’s 2012 numbers will not be career bests and if you want to advocate for the 2007 season and 50 TD passes, I fully understand but I would argue that Brady is playing quarterback better than he ever has (roll that around in your head for a minute) and better than anyone else playing the position in 2012. He runs New England’s multi-faceted fast-break offense with calm confidence, identifying mismatches and making the calls that take advantage of them, happy to feed the ball to Stevan Ridley when the Pats have an advantage in the running game, continuing to find Wes Welker in the passing game, hardly missing a beat as he’s had to work first without Hernandez and now without Gronkowski.

Just Brady being Brady.

Patriots 38, Dolphins 20