Maybe there really is an offseason after all. When Tom Brady’s hair is competing with a James Ihedigbo signing and meditations on Rob Ninkovich and Dane Fletcher for our attention, I think it’s safe to say we’re at apogee from the Lombardi Trophy. Perhaps if the rumored engagement of Mark Sanchez to Australian supermodel Kate Upton results in marriage, we can debate Gisele vs. Kate. You’d rather debate Rob Ninkovich vs. the World?
Not that it’s bad thing, but winning the offseason hardly compares to winning in December. Still, storylines are coming together for the regular season. Regardless of how things play out, rest assured, we’ll still talk about Tom Brady’s hair.
Top Storylines for the 2012 NFL Season
· Tom Brady’s Hair – I’m starting to think maybe Tom Brady is the Bruce Willis of the NFL. Like Willis, Brady has done all of his best work when his hairstyle skews to the high and tight. With exceptions in both cases, of course. Okay, it’s anecdotal. Whatever. Like everyone else, we’ll be closely monitoring Brady’s hairstyle this season and we’ll be correlating to game results.
· Peyton Manning’s Neck – Admit it. You’ve already started a pool. He’ll play against the Chiefs’ Tamba Hali twice. I’ve got my money on him. (Hey! It’s not a “bounty.” It’s just the way people talk about football!) But Charger veteran Shawn Phillips will also get two opportunities. Manning will face the Steelers’ James Harrison to start the season followed by Atlanta’s John Abraham. The Texans can bring it with J.J. Watt, Connor Barwin, Brooks Reed and rookie Mercilus Whitney. Maybe Ed Reed or Ray Lewis of the Ravens? Okay, you get the point. There are multiple opportunities on the 2012 schedule for Peyton Manning and his four neck surgeries to find themselves on the wrong end of F = ma. Who ya got?
· Mark Sanchez’ Psyche – So, let’s say the Jets are 1-3-0 after four games, losing to the Bills, Steelers and 49ers with their lone win against They’re Still the Miami Dolphins. They’re losing by 10 heading into the 4th quarter against the Texans and Rex Ryan decides to pull Sanchez for Tim Tebow. Followed by the improbable comeback win? (Can we call them improbable anymore?) We all want to see that moment, don’t we? In the clinical sense, of course.
· Tim Tebow’s Soul – I can almost picture that Man in the Red Tuxedo sitting on Tebow’s left shoulder, asking him just how much he wants to be a starting QB in the NFL.
· Jim Harbaugh’s Sanity – I think we caught a glimpse down the narrow hallways of Jim Harbaugh’s mind last year. It takes some real effort to out-dick a guy like Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz (uh huh, Belichick disciple) but Harbaugh pulled it off his rookie season with almost oblivious ease. What, me a dick? Harbaugh recently upped the ante with his explanation that the 49ers flirtation with Peyton Manning was really a vote of confidence for incumbent QB Alex Smith. Is insanity additive? If so, signing Randy Moss may not have been the best move.
· Adrian Peterson’s Knee – This would be a much bigger storyline if the Vikings actually mattered.
· Tony Romo’s Ring Finger – Despite the presence of the reigning Super Bowl champs, the NFC East seems wide open, doesn’t it? Is this the year for Tony Romo and America’s Ex-Girlfriend Team? Unfortunately for Tony Romo (as with all NFL quarterbacks) a lot of this is out of his control. Does Dez Bryant grow up? Will the Cowboys have a credible running game? Can the Dallas pass defense stop Eli Manning, Michael Vick and RG III (or anyone else)? A cursory look at Dallas’ schedule tells me they could as easily finish up 5-11-0 as 12-4-0.
· Wade Phillips’ Curse – The Texans are a sexy choice for the AFC championship. Can this happen with Wade Phillips involved?
· Andy Reid’s Brain – The consensus seems to be that the Eagles underperformed last year and will bounce back in 2012. The offense will be explosive. The defense will be better (in some as yet undisclosed manner). It’s probably (definitely?) overstating the case that this season will be a referendum on Andy Reid as a head coach. I think we already know what we’ve got here. Solid B. Maybe a B+. (I feel a lot better about the solid B.) Hall of Very Good. A little Aspergery when it comes to clock management. I’m just saying.
· Kevin Kolb’s Rationale – Did Kevin Kolb’s Window delivered already closing or does it just seem that way? What’s the prop that after what feels like forever Kolb finally has a season that justifies all the talk, talk, talk? Regardless of the odds, you’re not laying that bet, are you? Me neither.
· Drew Brees’ Wallet – I think Brees has got this right. This is quite likely his last payday. The fact that Brees may be a system quarterback of lesser value to other teams but that has little to do with his value to the Saints. In the shadow of Bountygate, with head coach Sean Payton suspended, New Orleans is going to hand the franchise over to Chase Daniels, an even shorter, slower version of Brees with 0 NFL starts on his curriculum vitae? That’s the plan? Pay the man!
· Mike Shanahan’s Legacy – It’s unfair, of course. Even John Elway wasn’t John Elway right away. He had to grow into himself. It’s also unfair to note that Lovie Smith managed to take a Rex Grossman-led team to a Super Bowl. With Robert Griffin III (why isn’t this guy’s nickname something like “Trips” or “Trey” or “Downtown”?) set to make sweet, sweet love to Shanahan’s game plans, Washington should knee Tony Romo in the man region, shove Michael Vick in a locker and give Eli Manning a swirly on their way to the NFC Championship game. Shouldn’t they? Who wants to start the Parcells’ rumors?
· Mario Williams’ Groin – Okay, maybe his hamstrings. Whatever. Will Williams justify his contract with an all pro/lead the league in sacks kind of season? Maybe it’s just me and maybe it’s just wishful thinking from a Patriots’ fan but I think Williams spends December on the sidelines in a parka.
· Andrew Luck’s Sunny Disposition – At some point in the first half of the season, Andrew Luck will have lost more NFL games than he did in his entire college career. By December he may have lost twice as many NFL games than he did in his entire college career. NFL to Andrew Luck: How does my ass taste?
I’m sure you’ve seen this one by now but I’ll call it due diligence. I can’t not post it, can I?
Bonus Tracks
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