Pigskin Punchline

 Two football teams run into a stadium. 

One was assaulted.

No, wait! That's the two peanuts in Central Park joke.

Or is it?

I keep telling people I just hope it's a good game (by that I mean a close game with 90+ total points) with no injuries (of the game- or career-ending level injuries), even though this feels like a game where somebody gets carted off the field. 

Maybe you missed how close the NFL got to Rollerball in the NFC Championship. Unfortunately for the 49ers, they did not have Jonathan E on their roster and essentially ran out of motorcycles.

(I meant quarterbacks, of course. Metaphors are hard, sometimes.)

Anybody out there looking for a 4th quarter duel between Shane Buechele and Ian Book? Okay, the Buechele and Book families, of course but… you know… now that I'm here… 

That would be a pretty amazing story, whoever the 3rd/emergency QB is for the Chiefs and Eagles in SB LVII. Chaos. Back-to-back-to-back defensive touchdowns. Large screen TVs blown to a billion individual LEDs by distraught but Constitutionally protected football fans all across America. Bookies by the dozens leaping off tall buildings without parachutes or the secret knowledge that they are Clark Kent or with enough life insurance to pay for the burial. Oh, the humanity!

Given my assumptions around the very large, very fast, emotionally unstable men who will be playing in this game and facing a physical and emotional challenge so great as to feel existential, crazy could definitely happen. 

As fascinating as the Buechele-Book match up may look on paper to chaos junkies (or pigskin pundits and bobbleheads looking for a lede), let's hope that doesn't happen.

Contractually Obligated SB LVII Prediction

Really, do I care? I do not. I'm on to 2023! (I'm already running PFF's Mock Draft simulator on the regular.) Whatever tragedy occurs Sunday night in Arizona, it will become comedy soon enough. Such is the human condition. 

Having said that…

I think all the pressure in this game is on Kansas City. 

This is their third Super Bowl in four years and while that is a significant and laudatory accomplishment in and of itself, going 2-1 in those games (Dynasty, baby!) looks hugely different from 1-2 (Hey, at least you're not the Buffalo Bills!). 

You want to say Mahomes > Brady and Kelce > Gronk, you got to win this game. If I know it; they know it. And they've had little else to think about for two weeks. 

As much respect as I have for KC DC Steve Spagnuolo and in particular, D-lineman Chris Jones, the Chiefs defense doesn't scare me. 

The Philadelphia Eagles defense does. 

Like a little pee comes out scared any time I think about them. But I hate the Dallas Cowboys, too, so maybe they would spare my life. Or be merciful and quick.

Does defense win championships? I think we're going to find out.

If I was a betting man…

Eagles 25, Chiefs 19

If I was a drinking man…

• Drink every time you think, "Are those really the lyrics to 'The National Anthem?'" You're probably wrong so take two drinks. When did you start drinking, anyway? No, the singer is not asking Jose if he's blind!

• Drink every time the announcers mention the Kelce brothers…

• Or there's a shot of their mother.

• Drink every time Travis Kelce catches a pass.

• Drink every time Travis Kelce drops a pass.

• Drink every time Haasan Reddick "almost" gets to Patrick Mahomes.

• Drink whenever the announcers refer to Mahomes as a "magician," or any variations such as "wizard" or "Houdini" (take two drinks for "prestidigitator") or otherwise call into question whether or not Mahomes is human like the rest of us. Well, in the DNA sense. Clearly he is not "like the rest of us" in the pigskin sense.

• Drink whenever the announcers use a modifier with "unique." I know this probably only bothers me but a thing is unique or it is not. It cannot be "very unique" or "most unique" or "terribly unique" or "uniquely unique" or anything else. Just thinking about it makes me want a drink.

• Drink whenever the announcers get thirsty for Rhianna.

• Drink if you're thirsty for Rhianna.

• Drink every time Jesus is mentioned (those ads count)...

• Or any time a player points to Jesus (yes, He's watching and yes, He loves football).

• Drink every time it's clear a player or coach drops an F-bomb in any form (verb, adjective, etc.).

• Drink any time the host of the party asks, "Anybody need another beer?"

Let's go!