A Democrat, a Republican, and an Independent walk into an otherwise empty bar; the Democrat and Independent wear masks, the Republican is wearing a MAGA hat.
The Bartender said, "Hey, I don't want any trouble in my place. I think at least one of you will have to leave."
The Independent said, "Don't worry. We're just here for a drink."
The three men sit at the bar with one empty stool between each. The Democrat and Independent take off their masks in anticipation of their drinks.
The Republican said, "I think it may be the one thing we all agree on."
The Democrat said, "We're more alike than we are different."
The Republican said, "Let's just agree to disagree on that one, shall we?"
The Bartender said, "Well, what would you like to agree on, then?"
The Republican said, "I'll have a bourbon. On the rocks. None of that overrated Irish and Scottish swill for a good American like me. Though I do like that they filter with charcoal. Clean coal is the future, you know."
As the Bartender scooped ice into a glass and poured a shot of Wild Turkey, the Independent offered, "A bleak, species-decimating, zombie apocalypse future."
The Democrat said, "I'll have whatever fine domestic craft beer you have on draft, and thank you for your service."
The Republican said, "He's a bartender, not a first responder," as the Bartender pulled the handle labeled Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and poured out a tall one.
The Democrat said, "I thought you recognized all restaurateurs and bartenders as essential workers?"
The Independent interjected with, "Do you have any gluten-free vodkas?"
"Ciroc, Tito's, and Chopin," the Bartender answered.
"Time to make a choice," the Democrat and Republican said in unison.
"I'll have a Tito's martini, very dry, one olive," the Independent said. "Rocks on the side, please."
"Coming right up," the Bartender said.
"Now what?" the Republican asked.
"Cultural entropy, economic and societal collapse, an ill-equipped health care system crumbling under the weight of tens of thousands of sick and dying, followed by the exodus to an underground existence for those 1%-ers with the wealth necessary to escape the desolate, radioactive wilderness that results from a lack of coherent leadership from the world's governing bodies, and the inevitable act of abnegation that fills that vacuum of power as terrorists procure nuclear assets in Azerbaijan and Pakistan and set the planet on fire," the Democrat said.
"You're such a worrier," the Republican said and after a pause continued. "What sort of portfolio do you think will be needed?"
"Excuse me?" the Democrat asked.
"How much money do you think will be needed to be able to afford this underground future?"
The Independent took a sip of his martini, nodded approvingly to the Bartender, and said to the Democrat, "It's almost too easy."
The Democrat said, 'I know. I just can't help myself."
The Republican looked at the Democrat and said, "Never kid about the dystopian future we all know is coming."
The Democrat looked back at the Republican and said, "Your children will be born with three eyes."
"Three eyes? Seriously?" The Independent asked.
"An adaptation to the low light levels," the Democrat said.
"Of course," the Independent said. "Obvious, now that I think about it."
"On the other hand," the Democrat said, turning back to the Republican, "over several generations everyone's skin color will become white."
"Become white?" the Republican asked. "You mean there will be, uh, not-white people living underground? Before the three eyes thing? Will there be a gated suburbia underground? I thought you said only rich people would be able to move underground."
"Jay-Z and Beyonce?" the Bartender asked.
The Democrat nodded. "Jay-Z and Beyonce."
"Kanye and Kim?" the Republican asked.
"Barack and Michelle?" the Independent asked.
"Michelle will be the first president of the new USA; the Underground States of America," the Democrat said.
The Republican gave the Democrat the side eye and said, with just a hint of uncertainty in his voice, "Now you're just making things up."
The Democrat shrugged, "Have it your way. You always do."
The Republican bristled, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Hey! How about another round, guys?" the Bartender offered.
The Independent poured what was left of his martini down his throat in one gulp and said, "Excellent policy position my good man. You have my vote."
"Vote your conscience!" the Repubican said.
"Same all around, gentlemen?" the Bartender asked.
"Sure you wouldn't like to change yours to a White Russian?" the Democrat asked the Republican.
"Sure you wouldn't like to change yours to a Black Russian?" the Republican responded. Turning to the Independent, he said, "See what I did there?"
"I think you're throwing wild punches way over your weight in this particular battle of, well, wits doesn't really do it justice but here we are," the Independent said to the Republican. "And now I can't help myself when I say, if you're going to continue this fight, remember to keep your left up. See what I did there? Your left?"
"Look, guys," the Bartender said. "You've got to have more in common than day drinking. Right?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure," the Independent said, "we're all strongly opposed to pedophilia."
"You're setting the bar pretty low," the Bartender said, "but, okay; day drinking and Just Say No to Pedophilia."
"Agreed," the Democrat said after finishing his beer.
"That's not what I hear," the Republican said.
"That's the difference between you and me," the Democrat said. "I would never believe that about you. No, wait. I would totally believe that about you. Does that qualify as one more thing we have in common?"
"If anything," the Independent said, "I think it moves us back to square one and day drinking."
"So, we can all agree on another round, then?" the Bartender asked.
"Yes, please," the Independent said.
"Sure," the Democrat said.
Raising his empty glass, the Republican said, "As long as everyone else is."
"We have such a strong consensus on day drinking," the Independent said. "Seems a lost opportunity we can't find some way to build on that."
"It's really disappointing, when you think about it, that we couldn't agree on pedophilia. That seems like baseline moral foundational beliefs… Am I missing something? Something in the Bible?" the Independent said, challenging the room.
"The Bible!" the Repbulican exclaimed. "You, how could, I can't - I should've known you would turn out to be an atheist!" he said to the Independent.
The Independent shrugged. "Plenty of slavery, misogyny, and carnage in the Bible. You have read the Bible, haven't you?"
"Yes. But it was a while ago. I may be fuzzy on some of the details," the Republican said.
"I've got a pretty good buzz on," the Independent said. "I broke my two martini limit rule. I'm... ready to burst into flame."
"Really?" the Bartender asked. "I was just about to ask who you were going home with tonight. Or… perhaps I should be ready with the fire extinguisher?"
"I would probably need a fourth martini to spontaneously combust," the Independent said as he looked at the Democrat and the Republican sipping their drinks.
"There's a back exit," the Bartender said, "if you'd rather not leave with either one of them."
The Independent sighed. "I've tried that. You know. Making a statement. Living my beliefs. It stinks of self-righteous sanctimony and always turns out badly. Big picture-wise. You ever do something you thought was funny but it turned out it opened a portal to Hell?"
"All the time," the Bartender said. "Just ask my first three wives."
"I think I'm going Democrat this time," the Independent said. "I need some tenderness, some reassurance. I need family, community. I need us to stop killing each other. I'm going to give the Democrat the edge there. Also, Bill Murray outside the framework of a movie, is a total pain in the ass. He's the friend you leave (relievadly) in the rear view when you get married. Anyway, I want to walk on a beach with an umbrella drink; a gentle breeze freshening and rolling breakers gently touching the tidal line, my true love by my side, holding hands as we walk in the glow of the sunset."
"I'm not sure I understand," the Bartender said. "Are you saying you like Bill Murray or are you saying you don't like Bill Murray? Because I love Bill Murray and this is a deal breaker for me. Like the cabbie in The Big Lebowski, I will kick your ass out of my cab - my bar - if you hate on Bill Murray (or the Eagles for that matter)."
"I'm not sure I can explain but I think all I was trying to say is that there's a difference between the person and the image. You think you know someone based on images. Everything from CNN to TMZ. You know the images, not the person. Given that... framework, it's easy to be duped; it's easy to think good looks imply positive personality traits, to confuse a strong man with a bully or a political movement with a scam."
"As long as you aren't hating on Bill Murray. You see St. Vincent?'" the Bartender asked.
"Bill Murray!" the Democrat exclaimed. "We can all agree on the greatness of Bill Murray, can't we?" Raising his glass, "Day drinking and Bill Murray!"
"Bill Murray?" the Republican said. "Have you seen Rock the Kasbah? Or The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou?"
"What about Groundhog Day, Lost in Translation, Moonrise Kingdom - if you want to blame someone for Zissou, blame Anderson - Ghostbusters, Tootsie, Stripes, and the aforementioned St. Vincent - to name just a few?" the Bartender said to the Republican. "I think you focus too much on the negative. And I don't even think you've ever watched The Life Aquatic. I think you're just cynically repeating someone else's opinion because you thought they were cool and repeating what they said will make you cool. But all it makes you is a parrot. I think you're opposed to everything because you're not for anything. Except yourself."
"And your point is?" the Republican asked.
The Independent raised his glass and said, "Day drinking and Bill Murray!" He nodded to the door and said to the Democrat. "Let's dump this racist, misogynist, homophobic, xenophobic, Bill Murray-hating greed monster and get out of here."
"You forgot one thing!" the Republican exclaimed. "100% against pedophilia."
As the Democrat and the Independent stood and started for the door the Republican said, "Hey, where you going? Don't you know that I always run up the tab but I never pay the bill?"
As they reached the door, just before putting their masks on, the Independent turned back and said, "You will this time."
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