As the Roman Empire was declining toward its historical autumn, did the good people living in the seven hills realize what was happening? Or did they lay about on their couches obliviously eating grapes from leaden bowls, bemoaning the Senate’s inaction on long-needed aqueduct repairs, increasingly annoyed by the complaints of the serving class demanding a 15 dinar minimum wage, dismissing the threat of a ragtag bunch of Visigoths to the north because things are always messed up in Germania, arguing with their brothers-in-law on the weekend over the recent rule changes designed to improve gladiator safety while waiting in line at the colosseum.
“Why don’t they just put skirts on them?”
Oh. Right. Yeah. Skirts. I guess those guys were secure in their own skins.
The Romans did great things despite the lack of a decimal point but ultimately their empire crumbled under the weight of gluttony, corruption, depravity, overconfidence, slavery and regressive tax policies. One day you’re multinational conglomerate with franchises on three continents and the next you’re a tourist attraction. The streets of Rome are filled with rubble...
So, we’ve got that to look forward to.
All those service and manufacturing jobs?
Yeah, they’ll be coming back, too.
It’s been a tough week. Month. Okay, if we’re seriously talking good old days we’re probably going with the 90s. Or the 80s. I’d probably go 70s, back when I was young enough to not know or care. But let’s be clear; things are not so bad they’re the worst that has ever been. I’ve got to go with the Civil War for the US and World War II for the planet.
This isn’t a time for perspective, though. If the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, well, we’ve got a shit ton of that. If you aren’t afraid you probably haven’t been paying attention. The statistic that says there’s 1.1 guns for every man woman and child in the United States, well, it turns out it’s true. Or maybe it isn’t but it might as well be because I choose to believe it is. Best to assume everyone is packing. Everyone seems to believe their list of grievances deserves a hearing and I will be listening attentively because, you know, they’re strapped.
We’ve got the two worst people who ever lived running for President and all we can hope for is that the second worst one wins.
Lucky for us, we’ve still got three and a half months to figure that out.
Hey, I understand. You’re angry. Really angry. Who wouldn’t be. You’re enraged. Furious. Irate. Maybe even apoplectic if you were a liberal arts major in college. Outraged. Aggro. Amped. Bent. Butt-hurt. Chuffed. Pissed. Steamed. Torqued. Vexed.
Really, really angry.
I know because everyone in the media keeps telling me you are. I hear you. I’m sympathetic. I want to hear your story. Because body armor is really expensive.
It’s hard to deny that things are really just a tad apocalyptic these days. I mean, things aren’t just bad here in America. Syria, whatever’s left of Iraq, whatever comes after Brexit, the charnel house that’s France. Turkey may not be a failed state but they got a D- on the mid-term. Brazil is a cesspool of disease and body parts and they’re hosting the Olympics. Mexico’s #1 export is rapists. (Well, that’s what I heard.) If Abraham, Mohammed and Jesus could be transported to current times would they even recognize the religions that were started in their names? Or would they sign on with the WWE for a triple elimination cage match like their followers seem to believe they would?
Salvation Super Slam would do crazy numbers on pay-per-view. Biblical proportions. Literally. Timberlake and Jay-Z, Obama and LeBron among the big names in the front row. Kanye and Taylor Swift dueting on the national anthem.
Not to encourage gambling but I would not sleep on Abraham in this one.
Two words: Old Testament.
Maybe we’re simply due for another reboot. Maybe Yahweh will hit the reset button and throw another hunk of rock the size of Portugal at the planet. Let’s face it. We’re not working out much better than the dinosaurs.
And I’m afraid Bruce Willis is just a little too old to save us this time.
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