The Clubhouse Turn

We’ve got four games to go. Here’s where we are, every NFL team in 25 words or less.

Okay, sometimes more than 25. 

When I hate. 

I’m only human.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles – Am I the only one waiting for Mark Sanchez to turn back into Mark Sanchez?

Dallas Cowboys – I’m still hanging onto the possible Patriots-Cowboys Super Bowl I’ve been longing to see for a decade. Why? I hate the whole “America’s Team” thing. Also, I’d be banking on the Cowboys coming up small in their biggest game of the year. The problem is, they keep coming up small in regular season games.

New York Giants – Eli Manning is living proof that deals with Beelzebub always turn out badly and indirectly, proof the Devil and therefore God, actually exist. And yes, that’s about the only good that could possibly come from the 2014 New York Giants season.

Washington <redacted> – The franchise with a racial slur as their team name looks destined for mediocrity for years to come. They will either hold onto the increasingly delusional view that Robert Griffin III is a NFL franchise/elite QB or they will trade him for pennies on the dollar and hope Bill Belichick decides to trade Tom Brady after the Patriots win Super Bowl XLIX. And yes, that is an equally delusional point of view. Business plans that involve hope as a key component are doomed to failure. Those of us who believe Washington must change their racially charged name or face an increasingly humiliating future are putting a bag of popcorn in the microwave and fetching a beer from the fridge.  I root for the Patriots, whoever is playing the Jets and whoever is playing Washington. And when the Jets play Washington, I root for the Jets. Yeah. I’ll root for the Jets. Never change Daniel Snyder. Keep on reaping the negative karma. Am I enjoying this too much? I have to say no. No, not nearly enough.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers – They have the best QB in the NFL today. Yeah. See you in February.

Detroit Lions – Could we take any other 8-4-0 team less seriously than we take the Lions? Thinking…  Thinking… No.

Chicago Bears – So, I’m going with the notion that Jay Cutler is not the problem. This is a bad team. Cutler has to walk out on the field on Sundays and realize the Bears have no chance to win unless he plays better than he’s probably capable of playing and if they lose, he will be blamed. And Jay Cutler has to know who Jay Cutler is by this point in his career, doesn’t he? Does Jay Cutler sit in his den in front of the fireplace with a brandy in hand and wonder why he never wound up with a team with a killer defense like the Arizona Cardinals or even the New York Jets? Personally, I don’t see Jay Cutler as that self-aware or introspective. The Jeff George comparison is apt, I suppose. Or maybe he’s more like Joe Namath. A QB who never saw a throw he couldn’t make. Supreme confidence in his mighty right arm. It’s beautiful. And maddening.

Minnesota Vikings – I’m not sold on Teddy Bridgewater and it remains to be seen if any NFL franchise below the Mason-Dixon Line is going to give up the draft picks the Vikings would need to trade Adrian Peterson but I’d rather be a Vikings fan than a Lions or Bears fan looking ahead to 2015. Let’s say one of the Cowboys or Jaguars or Falcons pony up a package of draft picks for Peterson. They draft the kid from Wisconsin. Let’s say Bridgewater makes the leap in year two. Let’s say Cordarrelle Patterson “gets it.” They’re the second best franchise in the NFC North, am I right? In the hunt for a wildcard?

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – If you were playing four on four touch football out on the quadrangle when I was in college, Matt Ryan and Julio Jones would dominate. Unfortunately, so much more happens on the field of play.

New Orleans Saints – So, Drew Brees is denying unsubstantiated rumors the Saints will be looking for his replacement in the 2015 draft just as I’ve been wondering why Drew Brees (until these unsubstantiated rumors) has been given a free pass on the Saints terrible, horrible, no good 2014 season. Remember when Tom Brady was done after the loss to the Chiefs? We had to get to Week 13 before Brees got any criticism for NOLA’s 5-7-0 record?

Carolina Panthers – Have I waited this long to say we don’t care who wins the NFC South? We don’t care!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – See above.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Evidently, Carson Palmer was a lot better quarterback than I thought he was. Or maybe just way better than Drew Stanton. Hey, defense wins championships! Who’s with me?

Seattle Seahawks – Russell Wilson is for real. I get that Percy Harvin is insane but get that man a wide receiver who can win 50/50 balls downfield. Meanwhile, Marshawn Lynch is a pretty good “Plan B.” You just get the feeling this team is peaking at the right time. They scare me just a little bit. No, seriously. A little pee came out. Scary.

San Francisco 49ers – There’s a half-life on crazy intense head coaches like Jim Harbaugh. You know; Mike Singletary, Buddy Ryan, Dennis Green kinds of guys. Their lunatic shenanigans are endearing at first. Can’t coach ‘em! Punch ups on the sideline. They are who we thought they were! The team rallies around the fool, suddenly elevated to the throne. You win some games and it seems cool for a while. Somewhere along the way, you realize your head coach is finally, irrevocably, undeniably a fool. That’s not even mentioning your starting quarterback’s sloppy throwing mechanics. Still. Defense. Which wins championships. Ipso facto. Niners are in it to the final tiebreaker.

St. Louis Rams – How can this team not have a quarterback who could keep them in contention? I mean, they got so many other pieces right; how did they screw up quarterback? Anyway, we should run down the usual excuses for why the Rams are a the best last place team in the league. You know. NFC West, tough division and why the fuck aren’t we playing the NFC South am I right? Anyway, the Rams are loaded with talent everywhere but quarterback. Colin Kaepernick and his sloppy throwing mechanics would be an immediate and huge upgrade.

AFC East

New England Patriots – Super Bowl or bust.

Miami Dolphins – This team is dangerous. To others and to themselves. They do have the 2^nd best quarterback in the division so there’s that. I still think they’re more likely to finish 9-7-0 than 10-6-0 and I’m not sure ten wins gets a wildcard spot this year.

Buffalo Bills – For a team that swung and missed on their franchise quarterback with EJ Manual and had to reanimate Kyle Orton to line up under center, the Bills have had a pretty good season. They have a brutal December, though, with just one home game – against the Packers – and road trips to Denver, Oakland and New England. A mathematical chance for a playoff spot after twelve games is probably more than the die hardiest of Bills fans could’ve wished when the season began. They do have the 3^rd best quarterback in the division and after finishing 8-8-0 and missing out on the elite quarterback prospects in the 2015 draft they’ll probably have the 3^rd best quarterback in the division next year. Whoever he is.

New York Jets – This team is dangerous, too, but only to themselves.

AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals – It all begins and ends with Andy Dalton. Which means it ends in the first round of the playoffs.

Baltimore Ravens – Who are these guys? One week I think I wouldn’t want to see them in the playoffs and the next week I wonder if they’ll even get a wildcard spot.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Who are these guys? One week I think I wouldn’t want to see them in the playoffs and the next week I wonder if they’ll even get a wildcard spot.

Cleveland Browns – I keep waiting for the Browns to separate themselves from rest of the AFC North. And not in a good way. This may have been the worst case for the Browns this year. Somehow, they stayed competitive for a playoff spot with Brian Hoyer under center. This put Johnny Manziel’s potential development into a franchise quarterback on hold. Hoyer was supposed to fold up early, put the Browns in a 2-4-0 hole and give Cleveland HC Mike Pettine the opportunity to get Johnny Football some regular season action, see if the game slows down for the kid over the final ten games. Now they’re still in the playoff hunt and need to ride the hot hand (okay, Hoyer’s hand isn’t that hot), dance with the one that brung you, trust the veteran over the rookie, whatever sports-based rationalization you want to use they’ve got to go with Hoyer till they’re out of it. Damn! Even when Cleveland wins it loses!

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck gives them a chance but the Colts are still a year away from making their first Super Bowl run. And can I say the misplaced belief in Trent Richardson is boggling my mind? The Colts – who have first-hand knowledge of what he can do – passed on LeGarrette Blount when the single biggest weakness they have is at running back. They were waiting for Ray Rice?

Houston Texans – You’re not going to make the playoffs with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. I don’t care if he throws 20 TD passes in this week’s game. He’s going to break your heart. It’s going to happen. You know I’m right. You feel it, too. I see it in your eyes. I… So, might as well turn your attention to 2015 and beyond. Clone J.J. Watt. Find a quarterback. (Ryan Mallett finally gets a chance to start and he tears a pectoral muscle? That is the very definition of a bad sign.) Trade Andre Johnson while he’s still worth more than a 6^th round draft pick (you’re not going to the Super Bowl any time soon). Clone J.J. Watt again.

Tennessee Titans – The Titans should be glad they’re in the same division as the Jaguars. Otherwise, they would look irredeemably horrible rather than merely terrible.

Jacksonville Jaguars – How does Blake Bortles’ rookie year compare to Peyton Manning’s? It’s close (if you cherry pick your metrics) but (overall) I have to say no. What does that mean? Nothing, really. It’s neither illuminating nor dispositive. Much like the Jacksonville Jaguars as a whole. Have you ever noticed that whenever there’s a rumor the Jaguars could move to London that you never hear, “No! Don’t move the Jaguars! Especially not to London because no! Don’t move the Jags! Don’t move the Jags! Don’t move the Jags!” You never hear that. People confront their complete and utter indifference and express it as a shrug. So go.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – The Broncos are victims of their own excellence. It turns out 2013 was not the new normal. Denver can still wind up with home field if they run the table (likely) and the Patriots lose just one more game (certainly possible) and yet there’s an embarrassed sense of disappointment that seems to hang over the Broncos. Maybe that’s just me. Bwahahahahaha!

San Diego Chargers – The Chargers are plucky. And when Philip Rivers is great; they're great.

Kansas City Chiefs – More like the Dead Coast Offense. Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week! Try the veal! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Oakland Raiders – I got nothing.