It's the Money

Bountygate? Really? Are we diminishing the brand, yet? Does Watergate still mean anything? (Answer in the form of a question: What was the first “-gate?”) Okay, whatever. Bountygate. Let’s go there.

Well, the “Everybody’s doing it!” excuse doesn’t look like it’s cutting any slack with Dad. (Quick Aside: Was Roger Goodell manufactured at the same factory as Mitt Romney? Clearly different production models, like a Tahoe and a Corvette. Just me? Okay.) It doesn’t help the Saints here that Sean Peyton has apparently been a total dick aside from the whole Bountygate thing. Gregg Williams, the man who hurt Peyton Manning’s neck and had Brett Favre dragged into an alley and beaten to within an inch of his life, is likely done for the season, don’t you think? (It sucks to be the St. Louis Rams in this scenario.) Williams is like a football coach from a Stephen King novel, a shape-shifting slug-like alien that must eat anterior cruciate ligaments to survive.

Scene: New Orleans Saints locker room, with the Saints defense assembled around coordinator Gregg Williams…

Alien Shape-Shifting Slug-Like Gregg Williams: I got ten large for Brett Favre’s knees right here!

Head Coach Sean Peyton (walking into the locker room): You seen my vicodin, Williams?

And… scene!

Speaking of Peyton Manning’s neck…

Let’s get one thing straight up front: It is always about the money. If Indianapolis didn’t have 28,000,000 reasons to release Peyton Manning, he would still be a Colt. That’s not to say that Manning’s and owner Jim Irsay’s tears were not sincere and heartfelt. Jim Irsay is dumping Peyton Manning for a younger quarterback with nicer hair and because of a poorly written pre-nup, Manning doesn’t even get paid to go away. I’d cry, too.

Before Manning’s tears had dried on his prepared comments, speculation as to where his no longer quite as noodly arm will wind up in 2012 was racing at gigabyte rates through the series of interconnected tubes we like to call “the internet.”

Arizona Cardinals – Two words: Larry Fitzgerald. The NFC West – the 49ers notwithstanding – presents a good opportunity to get into the playoffs. Kurt Warner took this team to the Super Bowl just four years ago.

Kansas City Chiefs – The AFC West – like the NFC West – is a division waiting for a winner. They already have a competent if uninspiring starting QB in Matt Cassel (who may thrive without Todd Haley constantly harshing his buzz). Maybe they’d be crazy not to consider it but they’re probably crazy to actually consider it – unless the price is right (unlikely). 

Miami Dolphins – If you’re Peyton Manning, do you want to play at Buffalo, Foxborough and New Jersey in December? Perhaps that’s offset by the 8 home games played in Miami. How fabulous would it be for Peyton Manning to dump his wife and hook up with J Lo? And then start vacationing with Tom and Giselle in some super-exclusive celebrity getaway in the Caribbean. Grainy telephoto shots of Peyton and Tom, wearing sunglasses, grinning goofily while J Lo and Giselle frolic in tiny bikinis flood Google Images. Make this happen!

Minnesota Vikings – Manning would get to play at least 8 games indoors. Tough division for a playoff berth with the Packers, Lions and Bears all considered contenders. The Vikings kind of feel like Brett Favre’s sloppy seconds, don’t they?

New York Jets – The Jets’ offensive line is a mess and Santonio Holmes is a punk but it is New York and Manning’s next gig is likely in the studio. And, um, yeah that’s all I got here.

Seattle Seahawks – Also in the NFC West meaning possible playoff berth. Can you name the Seahawks starting wide receivers? Besides, nobody looks good in those uniforms. Teal? Really? It’s difficult to intimidate in teal.

Tennessee Titans – Is it me or does it seem like there isn’t any nostalgia for Manning’s days as a collegiate QB at the University of Tennessee? I’m not seeing this as some kind of return of the prodigal son scenario. Also, Titans fans have spent the last 14 years hating Peyton Manning, haven’t they? Manning would get to return to Indianapolis and likely put up a W over the Colts and Andrew Luck and lean in as he shakes Luck’s hand at midfield after the game and whisper, “Fuck you, kid. You couldn’t carry my jock.” So, there’s that.

Washington Redskins – Struggling to name a receiver on this roster other than Jabar Gaffney. (Pats fans know letting Gaffney go was one of those small mistakes that had something of a geometric negative domino effect. And I’ll findstrength in pain…) There have been a number of posts I’ve read that suppose a package deal with Manning and Reggie Wayne. Rumor also has it that Peyton doesn’t want to sign with an NFC East team and deal with having to play his brother Eli twice a year. When you have a younger brother there’s a point where he starts to catch up with you playing hoops in the driveway. If you’re smart you stop playing before he starts kicking your ass.

And the winner is…

I still like the Arizona Cardinals.